Practical Ways To Coach Yourself When Your Child Struggles With Alcohol or Drugs, With Cathy Cioth

You find the vape pen, or the pills, or the empty bottle at the bottom of the laundry basket. You take it, because that was the boundary. Within minutes your house goes from zero to two hundred: threats, slammed doors, a kid you barely recognize. Every instinct says respond right now, and if you are like Cathy and me, you do. Then you spend the next day trying to undo everything you said.

This episode is the practical companion to the self-coaching questions I shared in episode 328. Cathy and I walk through what we are calling Stream Vignettes, composite scenarios pulled from years of coaching calls, community posts, and our own homes. The confiscation that explodes. The natural consequence you have to sit through with your heart in your throat. The suicide threat that arrives attached to a demand for money. The family vacation you keep hoping will fix things.

For each one, we get into the questions that slow you down before you react, starting with the one we ask first every single time. We also cover what these questions are not for, which is a conversation I clearly needed about fifteen years ago.

What stayed with me most is something we kept circling back to: there is no expiration date on your response. Nothing requires you to handle the worst moment of your week at three in the morning. Cathy and I both have stories about what happens when you try.

If your home has a moment like this coming, and most of ours do, keep this one where you can find it.

YOU'LL LEARN:

• The question Cathy and I ask first in every single scenario, before anything else
• What your child's explosion over a confiscated substance is actually telling you
• The advice therapists gave us about suicide threats, even when you’re pretty sure it’s a negotiation tactic
• Who you are really rescuing when you cannot let a natural consequence play out
• Why there is no expiration date on your response, and what to say while you figure it out

EPISODE RESOURCES:

• Hopestream podcast ep. 328 - 10 Self-Coaching Questions - Part 1
• Rawly Glass on Hopestream podcast 324 - consequences don’t work

This podcast is part of a nonprofit called Hopestream Community
Learn about The Stream, our private online community for moms
Find us on Instagram here
Watch the podcast on YouTube here
Download a free e-book, Worried Sick: A Compassionate Guide For Parents When Your Teen or Young Adult Child Misuses Drugs and Alcohol

Hopestream Community is a registered 501(c)3 nonprofit organization and an Amazon Associate. We may make a small commission if you purchase from our links.

Transcript

Practical Ways To Coach Yourself When Your Child Struggles With Alcohol or Drugs, With Cathy Cioth

[00:00:00] Hello, Miss Cathy. Welcome back. This is, like, two in a row, I think, that we're doing. I can't believe it. I know. This is great. We're on a roll. It's always fun. We're on a roll. And

I love, I love it when we can get together and talk about some real, real things that are happening- Yes ... in our community. And, just, real things that happen to us Yeah. I think it is super helpful to read books and listen to podcasts and all that, and then it comes down to that moment when something's happened, and you gotta have some practical tips and stuff.

And so I did an episode, I think when you were traveling with your daughter, I did an episode on self-coaching questions, but they were a little bit more high level, like a little more, what do I wanna call it? Existential. Like- Oh, okay ... you know, what is my role in all of this? 

[00:01:00] Like, what are my responses? Like, how am I taking a part in what's going on? So they were a little bit higher level. They weren't so practical as far as, okay, this just happened. Now what? Right. Right. And so I kind of signed you up for this episode while you were out of town. So sorry about that. That's okay. We're, we're good friends. And I just basically knew that I was signed up for this episode. I know. But you know what? As we prepped for this, and I was kind of reading through what we were gonna be doing, I have to say it was really just the little things that we are gonna be talking about today are so great because there are so many things that I did wrong, and these scenarios, I almost feel like you had a camera in my house because-

oh my gosh, like this is exactly some of the things that I was dealing with, and I handled them all wrong really, 'cause I really didn't know what to do. Would've been nice just to know that 

[00:02:00] I could have done these little self-coaching questions, right? Right. 'Cause that alone just kind of starts the process of calming you down a little bit and saying, "Okay, what can I and can't control?"

And everything else that we're gonna talk about today. Yes. It's kind of... We're hoping that this episode becomes like a little bit like the coach in your back pocket, that you can- Mm-hmm ... think about these questions, because we know when an incident happens, it is really tempting to react immediately, emotionally, out of fear mostly.

I would say these are the things that I did wrong. I acted- Yeah ... immediately. I thought there was some sort of like an expiration date on my response. Like, I have to hop on this now. I would do it... And obviously, when you do that, you're not centered or prepared or grounded, and so you- Right ... are reacting out of emotion and fear, and then you say things that you don't 

[00:03:00] mean. Like- "You're grounded for the next, four months," if they're in high school. Or, Right ... if they're out of your house, "You're never coming back to this house again." And then you have to just try and undo all of that when you come to your senses, usually within, like, it's the next day when everything is blown up and everybody's mad and crying and the whole nine yards.

You know. I'm- Oh, yeah ... I'm preaching to the choir. The analyzing of every single word that was said or not said and like you say, yeah, we just compounded the problem. Anyway, I'm really excited- Yeah ... to get into this because I think it's gonna be super helpful. Yeah ... for whatever you got going on.

Yep. So number one, so what we did is we just thought through the most common scenarios that we see taking place with coaching clients, with our members, things that we did ourselves. So 

[00:04:00] these are compilations of different people's experiences that we are wrapping into a little situation. So this isn't any one- particular's person, any one particular person's, life. It's just we sort of mocked up a situation, if you call it that, like a little vignette. And A vignette. I was gonna call it Is that a good- ... vignette. I know, I'm like, "What is the word?" We're calling it... Well if you're a member of the Stream, you know we have groups, that if your child's in active use, or if your child's in treatment, or if you're in recovery.

So let's just call them the Stream Vignettes. Yes. Because it is a compilation of a lot of different scenarios- Yes. And to make it easier for us. Yeah. Exactly. And like you said, you might feel like we had a camera in your living room- Yeah ... which I promise we don't. We really don't. But we do hear that because, as unique as each of our kids are- Yeah and our families are all unique, a lot of what 

[00:05:00] happens is very similar. So. Mm-hmm. Okay, so let's talk about vignette number one, which is parents confiscated whatever it was, the vape pen, the weed, the pills, you name it, the alcohol. We confiscated it and now everything exploded So you may have a young adult, you may have a teen, you took away the substance because that was your boundary, right?

That you said, "No substances in our home." So you took it away, and then your kiddo becomes pretty aggressive, a little violent, threatening to break the lock on your door, threatening to hurt themselves, maybe threatening suicide. It is basically like this situation has just gone from zero to 200 

[00:06:00] instantly. And we see this so often because the kids don't have that self-regulation, they don't have the distress tolerance skills yet to know how to handle that. Did you have this in your house ever? Oh my gosh. Well, and I didn't know what this was, right? Because yes. I don't know, I think I've talked on the podcast before some of the situations we've had in our home with large mason jars and also, by the way, drugs that I didn't even know what they were.

Right, right. I remember, I'm sure I'm like many of you parents, you find something and, now you just take a picture and you Google Image it and you figure out what it is, and then you're afraid to ask your kid. But, yeah, this happened quite a bit in our home. And, one of the scenarios that happened with us, too, was not so much that our kids... Yes, they were mad at us, but we also got the threat of, "If you take that, I will be in 

[00:07:00] so much trouble from- Yes ... this person," and I know you have a lot of familiarity- That was my experience ... with that Yeah. Oh my gosh. My kids never said, "Oh, a dealer's gonna come after me," or anything.

But they did, they would say, like, you don't understand, I owe this kid, this much money." Yeah. "And, now I'm, he's gonna hurt me," or whatever that was. That was absolutely frightening. Talk about a- Terrifying. Talk about a situation, like, what do I do in this situation? Terrifying.

Yeah, so it's whether you may be, like, physically scared for your own safety, or you may be scared for your child's safety. I did have that situation where I threw away a bunch of Xanax bars and my son came home, and it was literally like the mafia was after him, mm-hmm. And he's telling me that he's mixed up with this, I don't know, Vietnamese dealing cartel, and they cut off your pinky if you do... and then he's showing me- Yeah ... pictures on Facebook of the pinky cut 

[00:08:00] off. And so that's why we are saying this is very practical. Like, you're not gonna read this from a PhD who wrote a book about parenting. Like, but what do I do when my kid is showing me pictures of pinkies cut off?

So. That's right. I would say, and I'd be curious to hear your take on this, but number one, always, always, always, am I safe? To stay where I am, and if not, what is my plan for safety? That is always number one. Absolutely. I'm so glad you said that. And it's really super difficult to say you don't feel safe from your own child.

Yeah. But really everybody, this is something that is so very important. Safety has to be your first priority. And it really is simple. If you can get out of your home, if you have a car, just to remove yourself from the situation for a little bit makes a 

[00:09:00] huge- Yeah, yeah ... difference for you and your child. You know, things can really definitely calm down. But definitely safety is a first priority. Yep. Because, depending on what substance they're using, they can be a completely different person, right? It's not necessarily that even that is your child in their sober state would potentially never do the things that they would do when they're on some of these substances.

And some of them we don't even know what they are, right? 'Cause they're this gas station garbage that is just a complete wild card. Also, young people are getting stuff off of Amazon, off of the dark web. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Um, stuff that is absolutely not meant to be consumed by humans. Maybe it's animal tranquilizer.

So just, I would keep that in mind because like you said, it can feel really bad to be afraid of your kid. But you just never know what's inside of them. So number one, if they won't leave, like if there's this 

[00:10:00] escalation happening and you're using your pause button and you're using all your tools and you're asking them, "Hey, we need to take a break from this. We can come back to this," and if they will not calm down and will not leave, then you have to leave. We would always rather have them leave, right? 'Cause your home is kind of your sanctuary. Like, we don't want you having to leave your home. But if you have to, you have to. So I would say that's number one.

And then also, how do I deescalate the situation? 'Cause sometimes you can, and- Mm-hmm ... you may need to call someone, right? Like, I don't know. I don't think I had anybody to call. Did you have anybody to call? Well, I did not. And, but I did learn, after we had our intervention with our son that, I learned that there was this whole...

many police departments, not all of them, but most of them in big cities, and actually it's much more common these days, have, crisis response teams. Mm-hmm. And so had I known about that, I was 

[00:11:00] fortunate that we really never had a situation where it felt incredibly dangerous. But I would say, for me personally, just to deescalate the situation was oftentimes I would just call my husband, and just say, "This is kinda what's going on."

And he actually helped, regulate me a little bit. Yeah. And asked me the, "Do you feel okay right now?" And, "What's kinda going on?" And, sometimes just stepping away to do that actually, things can calm down. But it really just depends. Like you mentioned, we don't know the kind of drugs that are in our kids' systems.

Yeah. And by the way, we also, talk about this a lot, high-potency THC. Even if you know exactly that's what they're taking, we do know that affects their brains, the psychotic outbursts and everything so much more frequently than- Yeah ... we knew before about, so yeah. For sure. But yeah, I think your idea of just calling somebody, just sometimes just having another person on the end other end of the phone to be able to talk you through breathing, 

[00:12:00] tell me what's going on, and so I think that's really smart. And also then, a lot of times if you can just deescalate a little bit, get some distance- Yeah ... your child will calm down eventually. Like, there's a limit to how much energy they have around this. And so- True ... if you can get that separation and that space, then you can come back, maybe it's the next day- And say, "Hey, you know, this is our agreement.

This is the agreement that we have. I followed through on my end of the agreement." That's it. That's as simple as it is. Right. It's not emotional. It's not a negotiation. It's just very simple I love that you said that, Brenda, because, keeping in mind too that it doesn't have to be right away.

That just know that, couple days can pass, three days, whatever, 'cause you- Yeah ... you do wanna try to do it in the best green light scenario that you can. Maybe when they're not on substances or not tired, angry, all of 

[00:13:00] those things. That might happen, that might not, but just kinda keep it aware of it that, and don't feel this pressure that you absolutely need to get this message across right away, 'cause you will get it across.

Yeah. You've already done the first part by taking the drugs away. Yeah. But you're right. I did notice that. That's interesting you said. I noticed my kids calming down pretty quickly. Maybe it was just, they just said, it's over," and this is the way it is. Yeah, it's not worth it. Yeah.

I think there's another element to this too, that if this happens repeatedly, like if this is sort of the MO in your home- Mm-hmm ... you do something, your kiddo goes berserk, that is their response is telling you something, right? That maybe their use is escalating. Maybe they have moved from experimentation into addiction.

So a lot of times we don't know what stage they're in. We don't know if they're like that, like Dr. Unzika Harrison, I love when she was on the podcast, she talked about pre-addiction. And what you may be seeing at, for a 

[00:14:00] period of time is pre-addiction behavior. And then now if you're seeing this, and it's like, whoa. This substance- Yeah ... is very important to them, right? Right, right. Whether that's a physiological reaction and they need that substance to not go into withdrawal, or if they're dealing and they need that substance to sell it. And you know what I mean, like this is a signal. No, yeah. So don't just look at- Yeah

this situation as being caught up in the moment of like, "Oh my gosh, this is happening." Like this is telling you a bigger story, and we want you to be aware of that as well. And it, I think if they have been to- What do we say... Oh, sorry. No, go ahead. I was gonna say, what do we often say that we're often seeing the tip of the iceberg?

That totally reminded me of that, right? That's usually what we're seeing, is the very tip. 100%. 100%. Yeah. Yes, you are seeing the tip of the iceberg. And the other thing that I think I would just 

[00:15:00] keep in mind in this situation, if they have been to treatment before, okay? So they've been to treatment, they're home, they've returned to use, they had this huge response when you took their stuff. You can Try to help them remember some of the skills that they learned in treatment, right? About how to respond. Maybe they learned CBT or DBT or they learned breathwork or they learned some of their own, like distress tolerance skills. Yeah. Just you could even maybe try that yourself, like do some deep breathing yourself and talk through it.

Like, "Man, I really need to take a few deep breaths right now." I know this all sounds very like, "Oh, yeah, right," like that's gonna happen, but try it. I'm not ... You never know- Yeah ... what's gonna happen. Well, it does work because I will say when one of our kids came home from treatment and things did not go well at all, pretty quickly, and I remember there was 

[00:16:00] a big blowout, a fight, and I used the tools that I learned when, you know- Yeah they were gone. And I just said, "I need to leave for a little bit," you know? And I said, "Give me 10 minutes. I'm gonna go to my room. I just need to breathe, and just try to use my tools to calm myself down, and if you would like to do that as well," and I tell you, it was like, "Oh, okay." You know? I mean, it really does work.

Our kids know their tools. They didn't spend time in treatment and not remember anything. Yeah. They're incredibly smart and, look, it's appreciated I think when they're reminded of it. I know I appreciate it Well, because you don't feel so helpless. Like, there's nothing worse than being- Yeah

in a situation like this and feeling like you don't have any tools to turn to. Like, your tool belt is empty. That's the worst feeling, and it's true for them as well. So it might sound a little, like, goofy, but 

[00:17:00] try to remind them of their tools if they have them. I think it's a good thing, like you said, role model by using your own tools. Mm-hmm. Know what calms you down. Like, know ahead of time, 'cause if this is a pattern, then you already know, okay, if this happens, like you're taking the substance, you know they're gonna be home- Yeah ... in three hours. Yeah. Just know that things are probably gonna blow up, and you already anticipated that, so you've already got some stuff going on to help with that.

So- Right ... it's hard, though. It's a really hard position to be in. For sure. So yeah. Okay. Yeah. So that was vignette number one. Anything else on that? No, I just think it's, I think it's such a common one. You're so not alone. And it's- Yeah ... so frustrating. You know, we get the frustration of it all, and you just

yeah. In the best of circumstances, like you said, your kid went to treatment. Everything could have gone swimmingly well and 

[00:18:00] everything. You know? We had one of those, a kid that just was, like, the star student in treatment, and then, yeah. You just almost can't believe it. But use your tools. Yep. You know? Well, Know their support ... learn your tools. Know your tools. Yeah. And then use them. Yeah. Then use them. Okay, so vignette number two is, there's some detail around it, but basically what it is, is you have decided to hold your boundaries and let natural consequences unfold. And as a result of that- Your kid's struggling.

They're going through things that are uncomfortable for you to see and watch, and you feel like your heart is being ripped out of your body. Is that a good way to summarize it? Oh my gosh. How many ways can we describe our hearts being torn in two I think 

[00:19:00] when you're a parent who's been on this path, we know what that feels like, and it's absolutely awful. It's awful. And so important to hold those boundaries and put yourself first. I mean, I know that sounds kinda crazy, but it's really true. You have to put yourself first and take care of your heart and everything and yeah. Those natural consequences can be really big, especially if you've got an adult child.

Oof. Yeah, I mean, we see a lot. Because actually we did some analysis, because I'm a data nerd. We did some analysis in the community, and more of our members have kids who are over 18 than under 18. So that's interesting. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Which means that when you let a natural consequence occur, often the law gets involved, right?

Law enforcement gets involved. Because- Right ... they're typically doing things that are not looked upon 

[00:20:00] as good things by the law. Mm-hmm. So kids go to jail. Kids end up in the hospital. Kids, they end up in all kinds of terrible situations, and if you are holding your boundary and you are not either literally bailing them out or figuratively bailing them out, it is excruciating to sit there- Yeah

and allow that to happen It just is Oh, yeah There's no other way to put it Well, there is and, oh, gosh, when you talk about adult child with long-term consequences that, 'cause you think, "Well, this is a phase of their life, and then they're gonna get better." And then what is that long-term consequence , you know- Yeah mean for them? Yeah. But also, this is so important because I also wanna bring up those natural consequences are often that 

[00:21:00] catalyst where our kids say, "Oh, my gosh, life isn't going as I want it to go, and I really need help." Yeah. "And mom and dad aren't involved here. This was purely on me. I was the one who got myself in this situation.

Yes, they can support me." They can, like you say, do the bailout or not. But truly, I often see this scenario, this vignette that we're talking about. This could be the thing where your kids finally say, "Uncle, the bottom came up to meet them." Yep and we as parents don't wanna stand in the way of that.

No. No way. No. I mean, I think your daughter talked about how natural consequences gave her gift of desperation. Yes. It wasn't you. Yeah. It wasn't her dad. Yeah. It wasn't her brother. It was life. Yeah. Life happened. Yeah. The world gave her the consequences that said, "Hmm, you know 

[00:22:00] what?" Mm-hmm. "This is not what I want." Hmm. And s- This wasn't on my bingo card. No. And my son the same. Yeah. When you wake up in the hospital and you have a tube down your throat, and you're like, "Huh, my parents didn't do this. This is not a punishment that they doled out. This was what happened when I made this choice." So if that gives you any, internal peace to know that while you do feel like your heart's being ripped out of your body, it is really the kindest gift that you can give to your child.

Because you may be allowing them to receive that gift of desperation. I think one of the coaching, self-coaching questions you could ask yourself if this is a position that you find yourself in is, have the decisions that I have made around allowing this natural consequence, does it align with my values? And what I 

[00:23:00] mean by that is, I value my child's health and safety. I value my own health and safety. I value responsibility, all those things. And if those things track with what you did, which is I didn't bail them out, I didn't rescue them, yes, then I was acting on my values, and that is the best place to be.

Because then you don't have that, like, internal friction about, "Ooh, I wish I hadn't a done that," right? Like, I remember- Oh, yeah ... bailing Enzo out, and I would inside just feel terrible because I knew I shouldn't have. Yeah. Were you constantly questioning yourself after that happened? Constantly. Yeah. And I knew I was robbing him of the opportunity to grow and to learn, but I kept doing it because it was easier on me to not have to feel the ick that I 

[00:24:00] felt when I let him suffer the natural consequences. So it was on me. Like it was 100% on me. Yeah. Yeah. What else? What's another self-coaching- That's a tough- ... question that somebody could ask I think, a great one is just to ask, are you rescuing your child, or are you helping them- Yeah ... avoid the natural consequences?

What is it? Yeah. I think that, what you just described, right? Were you really rescuing him or, helping him avoid that? For sure. I am so guilty of this one, because, I mean, really, just even with school situations, if it wasn't a really, tough natural consequence, I was constantly rescuing my child- Yeah

from facing the natural... it just didn't feel right, but I love... I wanna go back and repeat what that first question was, and is that, does your decision align with your values? Mm. 'Cause I think that that is just really important and bears repeating. 

[00:25:00] Because, I think that icky feeling that comes with what we just talked about, are you helping them avoid natural consequences? The rescue, are you a rescuer? That just doesn't feel good. And it's not at all aligned with my values at all. Yeah. So. It's a tricky one. Anyway, I wanted to bring that one up again, yeah. Right. It is tricky. It is tricky. Well, I think- Yeah ... what if I had had the hindsight that I have now, what I would have realized at that point, if I'd asked about being aligned with my values, is that I was rescuing myself as much as I was rescuing him, because I didn't wanna feel the pain of the natural consequences, and I didn't want him to feel the pain of the natural consequences.

So it was like this double negative. And it wasn't until, gosh, he was out, he'd already overdosed, he was, like, starting to rebuild his life, 

[00:26:00] that I actually started not rescuing. I mean, that's how... 'Cause, I've said a million times, I didn't find any of this until after he was doing better. So he is doing well despite me. But it wasn't until I started doing that that I started to have more peace in my heart, because even though I saw him struggling, it felt like it was coming from a place of I know this is the right thing to do. Struggle is okay. I've learned most of the difficult things that I've learned in my life because I was allowed to struggle.

So- Yeah. Yeah ... why rob them of that? You know what I mean? Oh, I'm sitting here listening to you say, thinking in my own situation, it was very similar. And as you know, this has been, like, a long, over 10-year process for us. Yeah. And I was thinking what was really helpful when we were in the last probably four or five years of 

[00:27:00] this, what was super helpful for me to get to that point that you just talked about was I started listening to a lot of the recovery podcasts on the Stream. I started just listening just wherever I could hear people who were in active addiction and, came out the other side. Mm. What were the things that really made a difference for them? 'Cause I thought, "That's where I have to go now. That's-" Right ... "where I have to look for answers to help me." And when I realized that Many of them, almost all of them I could say, all said the same thing.

It was when my parents basically stopped rescuing them, stopped making things a little easier is when aha, they did it, right? Yeah. But it was something in their environment changed. I like to call it the parental environment changed. Yes. Because Yes ... that is a whole ecosystem in itself. Yes. And I know for me 

[00:28:00] that was that aha moment. And also when, the kids' dad, my husband, and I started talking about, well, what does it look like when or if a relapse happens, what's that gonna look like? Mm. What are the consequences gonna look like? And so it helped me to... I got to plan a- I'm a planner.

I like to plan ahead. So for me, it helped in that. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's- Yeah ... what I started doing. Yeah. Oh- Yeah ... totally. Yeah. It's, yeah, this is... I mean, it is really the hardest one. I think we could probably do every single episode about natural consequences. Good. But we both have experienced it, whether it's on the podcast or at a conference, or we're talking to somebody that works at a treatment program.

And we ask them, "What was it that finally made you change?" And 9.9 times out of 10, it's... They say, "My parents changed." Mm-hmm. So there you go. The data is in. There you go. The data is in. The data is in. Data's in. 

[00:29:00] Okay. Love that. Let's move on to vignette number three. Yeah. And we see this all the time. Mm-hmm. Your child threatens suicide if you don't do XYZ. Oh, yeah. That could be cover their rent, pay off a car debt, maybe get their car out of the tow truck thing. Maybe it could be anything, right? Oh, gosh. And we see this quite a bit. All the time. Yeah. And this could be a 16-year-old. It could be a 27-year-old. There's a lot of venom that comes out of their mouth at this point, right?

"I hate you." Mm-hmm. "Everything is your fault. You're a terrible mother. If you were a better mother or a better father, I wouldn't be in this situation." It's just like absolute torture, verbal vomit coming out of their mouth. Mm. Or it could be also texting. 

[00:30:00] We see this in texting as well. Yeah, for sure. And this is a really difficult one. I didn't ever have this. My son was never suicidal, which, like, thank God for something that we didn't have. Right ... but we do have therapists who work with us, and we've had a lot of input on this. And what the input that we get as far as what you should ask yourself in this situation is, again, is there immediate safety risk?

And if they are threatening suicide, that answer is yes. Yeah. Yes, there is. Hands down. 1,000% you have to take that seriously even if you've heard it 10, 15, 20 times. We did have that in our home and I didn't take it as seriously. I wish I had and then there was also 

[00:31:00] the situation where we had no idea, you know? Because I also wanna make it clear, sometimes there is suicidal ideation, but it's masked in- Yes ... "I'm fine. Everything's fine," and you don't know. Please take it seriously. Yeah. You can't I remember even when we were in the thick of it and someone said, "Well, if they say it, it's not very serious.

They don't mean it." Mm. I cringe. I cringe actually now, because I think I would've acted completely different. But that's what I would respond to. "Oh, okay, well, they said it, so it's probably not that serious." It absolutely is serious, and take it seriously. Yes and what does that look like?

Are they having psychosis? Could they leave the house because they're highly intoxicated, get in a car and drive and actually follow through, or the substances are actually could cause something to happen? So please take it seriously. Yep. And it's just good, 

[00:32:00] even if you are fairly certain that this is a manipulation tactic, take it seriously and call 911 because your child needs to know that you do take this seriously- Yes and that you are gonna follow through with what you've said that you're gonna do. That's the advice that we have been given from professionals in the industry. This is not just us, like, winging it, so this is absolutely categorically what we have been told, parents should do. Because it should not be a negotiation tactic, like, "Well, I'm gonna kill myself if you don't give me that money a week early that you told me that you know, but da da da da da," right?

They tell a million stories. And so you may be like, "Ugh." And so- Yeah ... to help them understand that that is not okay to use as a negotiation tactic, we have to be able to follow through. And I know that several times parents in our community have done this. They've followed through, 

[00:33:00] thinking that it really was a negotiation tactic, and it turns out- Mm-hmm once their kids got 5150'd or whatever the number is in your state, if involuntary hold, psychiatric hold- Yeah ... that there really was a very serious threat of suicide. And so- Mm-hmm ... it's never something to be wishy-washy about. Right ... so for sure that. And then also, so that aside, let's say there was no threat- Mm-hmm

of suicide. It's kind of back to, like, vignette number one where there's a lot of hate coming through verbally or in texting, and you can ask yourself the question, you can ask yourself the question, "Am I listening to the substance that is currently in control- Yes ... of my kid's body and actions and emotions?" Versus, "I know that this is the substance speaking. This is not my child speaking." It's so important 

[00:34:00] to clarify that for yourself. God, this is so, so important. And I'll never forget when we had our intervention with our son, and I remember the, interventionist was telling us, "You are gonna be speaking to the substance."

And I remember he kind of motioned to his shoulder. "You're gonna be speaking to your the substance most of the time here." Mm. And he said, "But what you want to do is," and he touched his heart, "is speak to this." Oh. And I would say 90% of it was speaking to the substance. And spoiler alert, you are never gonna win when you're speaking to the substance part of the brain.

It's awful. It's vicious. It's cruel. Says things that you couldn't believe come out of your child's mouth. So, anyway, I think it's really important, because that also leads to the safety issue too, by the way. This, these all kind of tie 

[00:35:00] in together. But, Yeah ... I think that's a really great self-coaching question is, what are you speaking to? And if you are really, if you feel like you just can't get through to your child and get to that heart, then, it's also the time that, we use the safety question, too. Am I at harm right now, or potential safety issue, and to leave. And hopefully things can calm down a little bit. Yeah.

And along with am I talking to the substance is very related. Am I taking this personally? Am I thinking that- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm ... my child is doing this to me? They are not doing it- Right ... to you. They are a hurting human being that is trying desperately to do what they need to do, get what they need to get- Right

say what they need to say to be able to just keep going on, right? So- Yeah. Oh, for sure ... when we take it personally, we make it about us. It is not about us. We happen to be in that ring of 

[00:36:00] fire. We talk about you throw a stone in a lake, and there's this ripple effect. Well, where you throw the stone, that's your kid who's struggling, and you are the first little ring around them.

And so when anything happens, you are the first one who feels it. The people five or six or seven rings out, that might- Mm-hmm ... be, their teacher, or maybe even their therapist could be that far out. You are at the heart of the hurricane, of the storm. And so it is hard not to take it personally.

It's just super hard not to do that. But we have to remember- Right ... this is not about me. So. Absolutely. So good. Yes. All right. Another one is, well, this is kind of related that, and we see this is timely, so it is June of 2026. So this will be out in the summer of 2026, and a lot of families are trying to figure out, do I 

[00:37:00] go on vacation with my kid or not? Did you go on vacation? Oh, heck no. No. No. So you were the smart I shouldn't say that. No. I'm not saying people who do this aren't smart, 'cause they are. They're just craving this time with their kiddo, but- Yes ... I tell you, I tried to go on vacation many times. I don't know. I think I thought that maybe it would be different when we were...

That was my thinking, right? Yeah. We'll just get them out of their environment and put them in a new environment, and everything will be so much better because they'll have all of our attention and love and everything else. No. Didn't work out the way I wanted it to. No. Not your experience? No. No. Yeah. And if my daughter's listening, she's gonna know. She's gonna laugh- ... because we had some pretty funny situations happen when we were in 

[00:38:00] London, England. But anyway, yeah. That's funny. It's a very tough situation to take your kid on vacation, especially when maybe their main drug of choice isn't available and they will really do anything to, 'cause they're still hurting.

It doesn't matter if you are in your hometown or you're four hours away or you're overseas, right? Our kids are still really hurting and need what they have found is their solution. Yeah. Yes. So we see this a lot, and of course there isn't- Mm-hmm ... one right answer, but I think what you said is really true, which is we have this vision of how things used to be when the family was all together on vacation.

Mm-hmm. We want that desperately, not just for our kid who's struggling, but also for their siblings, we just want, like, can I please just have seven days of 

[00:39:00] peace and connection and smiles and laughter and laying in the sun? Like, we just desperately want that. Yeah. And we think somehow that removing them from their bedroom or the video game or the, terrible friends is gonna just magically turn into that blissful time away.

And I think we have- Right ... to be really realistic to know it may not. It most likely is not going to. Right. For the exact reason that you said, is if they are in active addiction and they're not able to go for seven days without using the substance that's been in their body for a long time, they're gonna be hugely uncomfortable, hugely irritable, hugely sick.

Like, none of that's gonna be good. And so you have to get a little creative, I think, at this time, which is maybe- One of you goes on vacation with the siblings, right? Who are 

[00:40:00] really feeling- Oh, yeah ... shut out and like they've lost a lot of attention in the family. Like, you just have to make it work. You take turns or whatever. And it's not that that's a punishment for your child who's struggling, but they are probably not really dying to go on vacation with you right now anyway. This other thing that we see is like- Exactly ... well, we're planning this amazing trip, and, she's just rolling her eyes and pouting. And it's like, well, yeah, she doesn't wanna go, so why are we forcing her to go?

So there's... We could talk all day about this one, but it's timely because of the time of year that this is gonna be airing. Yeah. Just be creative. This might be a really great time to work with your coach and say, "Hey, we have never been faced with this situation before, but we always do this family trip.

We always go and see the extended family in August," and blah, blah, blah, whatever it is you do. Mm-hmm. And think through, how could we make this work for everyone? Because what you don't wanna do is bring the one who's struggling, and the siblings, 

[00:41:00] and then Grandma and Grandpa are there, and the aunts and uncles are there, and then everything blows up, and then the kid who's struggling feels like they ruined the whole vacation, right?

It's just like layer after layer. Oh, it's all the things, right? And I love that you said work with your coach 'cause that really is something. You can kinda change things around this vacation that you wanna take. I love that one of the self-coaching questions here is have you communicated your boundaries, around their behavior?

Ooh, yeah. Right? Mm-hmm. What are you gonna support, what you're not gonna support? Maybe you have an adult child and you're going away with them, and they can drink alcohol, you know? Right. Are you okay with them going out To a bar or whatever that is. So tricky.

It's so tricky It is, it is very tricky. I remember we were on a vacation, a family reunion vacation, when both of my kids were in active use, and I remember they had, of course, we could have timed it, day two they were absolutely 

[00:42:00] miserable to be around and I remember going into the room that they were sharing and basically saying, "If you don't put it together," and blah blah blah, you know?

And I could have done that so much better, so but I do think it's important that you say to your kids, like, what are you willing and able to put boundaries around when it comes to that?" Especially with adult children, it's gonna be really kinda tricky because the whole alcohol situation and going out on their own or whatever, depending on where you are, I don't know.

That can- Well What does a wedding look like? I mean, all the things. Yes I mean, we could, like you say, we could really go in depth on this one. Yeah. It's a big one. I would say it is all about communication in advance. Mm-hmm. And if you have an adult child who is of legal drinking age, then that needs to be conversation before you go to say, "Hey, this is what we expect. Like, you're in early recovery. We expect that you won't be going to the bar," or 

[00:43:00] whatever it is. Like, just talk about it. If they are- Mm-hmm ... in active addiction and for some reason you really need to have them there, I don't know, maybe it's a funeral or something- Yeah ... you gotta talk about what your expectations are and come to some agreements to say, "Hey, here's the deal.

We have this thing going on. If you choose to go to the bar and drink," right? Because we can't say you can't go to the bar and drink. That is, we're now putting a fence around somebody else's yard. Right. So we're fencing our own yard. "If you choose to go to the bar and drink, that is your prerogative.

However, you will not be able to come to the XYZ under the influence. We will have you removed. We will have you not let in," whatever it is that you have to do, which feels terrible, but if you can set those expectations in advance and agree and say, "Can we agree on this? Maybe you come to the XYZ, 

[00:44:00] you stay for 20 minutes, and then when you leave, you do what you need to do, but don't come back," right? Yeah. And this can be said- Yeah ... with love and compassion if you're understanding that they are really hurting and they, whatever Communication, I would say is key on this one Yeah. Yeah. And I also think, to add like a B to this in the outline, like what are your expectations around what you are- Mm.

What you're okay with, right? I mean, you mentioned a funeral, right? That's really tough. Yeah. I mean, I can understand, gosh, what would that be like if my child doesn't show up to his grandparents' funeral, right? So, ask yourself, is your kid there for appearance's sake?

If they are really gonna be miserable because, this is a four-day thing and a lot of family and friends around, ask yourself what your own personal expectations are around for you, right? Yes. 

[00:45:00] And look I get it. It's really, really difficult, but sometimes it is better that they are not there especially if you think it's gonna impact how you are gonna be there with your family and friends or personally.

And I know we're gonna get in the next question soon, a self-coaching question about your spouse, which I'll let you bring that one up. But it's really important, too. What are your expectations on yourself, too? 100%, yeah. Yeah, I think a lot of times we do make it more difficult because we do- Mm-hmm

want something for appearances. Well, what am I gonna say- Mm-hmm ... if they're not there? What am I gonna say? Mm and it's okay just to say, "Oh, you know, it didn't work out for her to come this time," or, "He wasn't able to make it this year." Right. Yeah. You don't have to have an entire, speech written. It can be very simple. And sometimes when you do that and you say it with purpose, people will understand, ooh, there's something a little deeper there. I'm just gonna leave that there. They're not gonna pry, so. 

[00:46:00] Some people will, and then you can just- Yeah. You can do whatever you wanna do with that, but- Yeah if you don't, it's their thing to say. Yeah. So one thing that runs through all of these, sort of a current, like a current that's running through each of these vignettes, two things: what about the siblings, what about- Mm-hmm ... my partner or my spouse? Mm-hmm. Because the siblings are watching the chaos around them, and they're feeling like second-class citizens, and they're not getting a lot of time and attention, and the time and attention that they do get is very stressed out.

And my spouse or partner and I are so far apart. Maybe even we do agree on how we approach this, but just because we have been so frazzled for so many years, we're like roommates, right? And so that- For sure ... is something that runs through all of this. Like, in the community, we'll have a mom that will post, like, "Here's what's going on. I would love to get some thoughts from 

[00:47:00] anybody who's been there. Oh, and by the way, my spouse and I haven't talked to each other for three months," or whatever it is. Like, there's always this- Oh, yeah. That's all secondary. Yeah. It's like, by the way, there's this other thing- Yeah. ... happening. And so self-coaching question's there, what can I do today- with one of my other kids or other kids to let them know that they are seen and loved and special.

And it doesn't even have to be that you have to do something with them today, but could you go to them and give them a hug, and look at 'em in the eye with 100% of your attention and say, "This is really hard. I see you. Could we spend some time in the next week together?" And then find some time. That alone makes a huge difference. And same probably with your partner. You could just, like, wash, rinse, repeat, same thing with your partner. 

[00:48:00] Absolutely, yeah. For sure. I mean, look, it's no secret that this, this situation that happens with our kids is so difficult on the entire family system, and especially with our spouses, you know?

And I know that dads, come at it differently and I know with my husband, he just wanted to fix it. "Tell me what I can do to fix this." Yeah. Yep. And, yeah, I do love that just... God, love, it was such a great way that you put it with your kid. Mm. And I know it works the same way with your spouse. You all know who your spouse is or your partner, and how they would respond. And so I know with my husband, I'd love to know what you guys did, 'cause you were kinda newly married, too, when you were going through all this, right? Brand new. But I know that we would, we didn't even set high goals.

We would just go on a walk, and we'd tell ourselves, "All right, for the next 20 minutes, we cannot talk about the kids at all. We have 

[00:49:00] to talk about anything..." It was pretty quiet on some of those walks. But what did you and your new husband do? Poor guy. Yeah, poor guy. Your husband was like, "Oh my gosh."

What did we do? We didn't do... We were not very good at this. I will be fully transparent. We were not good at this. We got very wrapped up in it, because he was the stepdad. Mm-hmm. And that put him in a really awkward position because... And not only stepdad, like, it wasn't like he'd been a stepdad since he was two.

He'd been a stepdad since, like, 24 months ago. Yeah ... so he didn't have any agency in doing anything. I wasn't listening to him because he was much too logical. I was running everything from my heart. So it was terrible. So what we tried to do is we tried to still see friends- Mm-hmm ... who knew what was going on, because there was so much 

[00:50:00] tension and so much friction that we only had a few friends and family members who really knew what was going on, and we just tried to at least try to get out and spend some time with them.

But I had this huge- That's tough ... level of guilt of doing anything fun while my son was struggling. So I am a horrible example of this one. However, I can say what I should have done. So yeah. So that, that was hard. I mean- Yeah ... a lot of marriages don't last through this experience. Yeah. Yeah. So if your marriage- Oh, my gosh

is feeling frazzled, you are not alone. Yeah. Ask that self-coaching question. This is a side vignette if your marriage is feeling frazzled right now. Ask yourself, is it worth it to, spend time to devote to that right now? And if the answer is yes, please go do it. I know you're tired. It doesn't have to be 

[00:51:00] a lot. It could be a simple little note every day, just saying, "Hey, I care about you. I see you. This is tough." I wanna encourage people not to blow it off, and also know that the answer can be as simple as just a little bit of time, just like you said with your own children, right?

Just a little bit of time goes a long way. Yeah. Yeah. And undivided attention, right? Undivided attention. Not Uh-huh ... the phone or with the whatever. Like, the one-on-one- Yeah ... undivided attention is super special. So. Yeah. For sure. Well, I think we have a few more, but I think what you're probably picking up on is a pattern of these self-coaching questions.

One is always, always, always, are you safe? Is there a safety concern? Mm. Are you safe? Mm. Is your kiddo safe? Kiddo safe is a bit of a difficult question because clearly they're not safe, but is there, like, any immediate... Like, are they 

[00:52:00] getting in their car and they are clearly under the influence? That's the kind of immediate that we're talking about.

So that's always the thing to solve for first. And then I think also we tend to take this zoomed-in view of what's happening in the moment, and we forget to zoom- Mm-hmm ... out a little bit, not take it personally, not speak to the substance or think that the substance is our kiddo. And then really ask yourself, "What is this behavior telling me?

What is the- Right ... what are the threats telling me? What is the increased use telling me? What is the escalation of, like, chaos telling me?" Because those are really big signs and in the community, in the Stream, if you come join us, we have a whole framework that we created, an insight map, which will help you start to break down patterns and start looking at 

[00:53:00] days, and times, and people, and situations, and times of year so that you can start to make some sense out of what is completely senseless until you start really digging in.

And then it gives you ways to start trying to come at that to circumvent some of the bad things that happen, try to add in more of the good things that happen. So that's our insight map. It's super helpful. And it's- Yeah ... kind of like a self-coaching tool because it- Mm ... allows you to really get down on paper what's going on.

And when this happens, what would be a good intervention? Not an intervention meaning, like- day intervention, like with a team, like, what's another word for an intervention? I can't think. Well, you know, what, you could almost say, what is the tool to use for this- Yes ... this specific thing that I'm going through, right? So it kinda helps you narrow down your choices of, you know, okay, this would really work well in 

[00:54:00] this situation. Right. And so, yeah. Yeah. And that would be, I think the last kind of universal self-c coaching question that I would add to these is, do I have a tool to use in this situation? And if I don't, how can I learn that?

Because there really are tools for all of these, because again, they kind of come back to some universal situations. Mm-hmm. And to ask yourself, like, you see escalating use, and you're very worried about the safety, and you really feel like treatment is appropriate, your self-coaching question would be, am I confident in how to talk to my kiddo about getting some help?

Yeah. Have I gone through the invitation to treatment procedure and craft, and do I know all the pieces of that, and do I know what a window of opportunity is? Do I know what a motivational hook is? Do I have my insurance all sorted out? Like, those are the things that can help you feel a little bit more grounded 

[00:55:00] in how to respond to these situations that come out of left field, and you're like, "What?" Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So Brenda, I think all what you said is so great, and I think it's also important to really let everyone know what these self-coaching questions are not for. Hmm. I like that. They're not for finding out who your kid's dealer is. Wait, what? What I don't get to use my FBI skills and find out- You do not

what knucklehead is selling my kid cocaine? You do not get to do that. You do not get to take their phone and go through it and find all of those things. You do not get to find out, where they got that substance, you know, what exactly it is and everything. That's not what these co- that's one of the questions about- Yeah

what you are not gonna... That's not what these self-coaching questions are for. They're also not to ask, "Did I 

[00:56:00] take the right thing? Maybe I should have taken the phone, or maybe, did I... Maybe I shouldn't have taken the car. Are the punishment consequences right?" It's not that. Yeah. I wish I could say, "Yes, every time you take the phone, this is gonna happen and it's gonna be the best response," but that's not what these questions are about.

Yeah. Do you have any others that you can think of? Well, no, those are really good because I think we tend to think in terms of consequences and punishments, and those, we will link to Rawly Glass's episode that he did not too long ago. It's in the 300s, early 300s. That's how I'm referring to podcasts now 'cause I've lost track.

That's right. If you go to our website, you can search on the podcast page Rawly, R-A-W-L-Y, Glass. He did an amazing episode where he talks about- Amazing ... how consequences don't work. So if you are expecting self-coaching questions that are like, "Here's the 

[00:57:00] consequence for that. Here's the consequence for that," shortcut, they don't work. So I love that you said that because I think we can spin our wheels, and man, I spent so much energy- ... playing the FBI agent. I mean, to the point where I was driving around apartment complexes at 3:00 in the morning. Like, what did I think I was gonna do when I found this guy?

I don't know. Well, and the other trend again that we've mentioned is that many of them do start with assessing safety. We just cannot say it enough. Right. Cannot say it enough. Right. And the other thing that none of them do is give you a specific timeframe in which you need to respond to the thing.

There is no expiration date on using your skills. So if it takes you three days to get it together, to talk to your coach, to come join us in the community and have your welcome call with Cathy and start sorting it out, that's 

[00:58:00] okay. You can tell them, "Wow, this was a really, impactful event that just happened, my beautiful, challenging child. I don't know how I'm gonna respond to this right now, but I promise I will." And then you go and you figure it out. So don't be like Cathy and me and think that 3:00 in the morning is the best time to jump on whatever situation just happened. You get to take the time to pause, to consider, to mull over in your brain that is half dead, we know.

To consult with your therapist, your coach, your friend, your mom, your dad, and then craft a response that is going to move things in the right direction, versus explode, somebody punches a hole in the wall, somebody storms out and gets in their car and peels out. Yeah. It's just 

[00:59:00] none of that's helpful. So- It's not helpful.

It's not and by the way, if you're thinking, "Oh my gosh, that's gonna be torture for my child that he has to wait to..." Yes, it is. 'Cause I knew that. I'm just, just kinda speaking from experience. I thought, "Oh, I'm torturing him. It's making it all worse." It's not. No. What you're doing... You know, if you feel like you gotta come back in a day and a half or two days later and say, "Hey, I haven't forgotten about it.

I am gathering and using my own tools that I need to, give the best solution here for what I need," 'cause again, you're modeling for your kid, right? Just let them know, "I haven't forgotten about this. I just am still doing my thing about this." So I love that. I love the whole timeline thing.

I wish I had that tool. Oh my gosh, what I would give to go back. Yeah. It's such a powerful tool. It is. To wait, to pause. Yeah, 'cause you want, you wanna give it the best chance of going well, and that is never, ever, 

[01:00:00] ever gonna happen in a heated moment with high emotions, with people on substances. Like, we can just guarantee you that not gonna be the best outcome. So wait till the timing is better. Wait till you feel better, more prepared, more confident- Mm-hmm ... in what you're gonna do, what tools are you gonna use, and practice over and over- Yeah ... and over those words. I was on a coaching call last week, and we just practiced our serve statements, because they're so simple.

It's like 30 seconds, 45 seconds, but it feels so hard to get the words out of your mouth. So- Right ... when you're doing these things, practice with somebody, so that when you speak- Yeah ... you speak confidently, you speak clearly. You're not waffling or iffying, and then uh, uh. Because when they sense that insecurity and that sense of like, "Oh, uh, I feel so badly and uh," they are gonna jump through that in one second 

[01:01:00] because- Oh, yeah they are sick and they need whatever it is. So- Okay, my friend Wow. That was- We could go on and on and on ... really, we could go on and on, on and on. I love this one. I hope it's helpful for all of you out there listening, 'cause I think I wish I had had a lot of these little self-coaching tools. They're so great.

Yes, I know. Easy to use. Easy to use. All right, talk to you later. Talk to you later. Bye,

Brenda. Bye.