Why Can’t I Fix This? Eight Steps to Move From Wishing to Planning When Your Child Struggles with Addiction, with Brenda Zane

ABOUT THE EPISODE:

Your 3am Google search spiral feels beyond frustrating when you're usually the one with answers. In this week's solo episode I acknowledge the unique exhaustion of spinning your wheels while your child struggles, and offer a concrete 8-step menu of ways to move from wishing into actionable planning and hope. 

If your existing parenting toolkit isn't working to create positive change in your family this episode will offer ways to rethink and recharge. The best news is, when you change yourself, the rest of the family system cannot not change. And that's why we start with you.

What you'll learn:

• The distinction between wishing vs. having real hope 
• Hope Theory: agency + pathways = real hope
• Why even highly capable parents get stuck
• The paralysis that comes from information overload without implementation
• The paradox of excelling everywhere except with being able to help your child
• Using research as sophisticated avoidance

EPISODE RESOURCES:

• 8-Step downloadable template for creating your plan
• Helping Families Help - Provider Directory for CRAFT-Trained Coaches and Therapists
• Parent Like a Hostage Negotiator Hopestream episode 295
• Apply for a scholarship for The Stream Community (for moms and female caregivers)

This podcast is part of a nonprofit called Hopestream Community
Learn about The Stream, our private online community for moms
Find us on Instagram here
Find us on YouTube here
Download a free e-book, Worried Sick: A Compassionate Guide For Parents When Your Teen or Young Adult Child Misuses Drugs and Alcohol

Hopestream Community is a registered 501(c)3 nonprofit organization and an Amazon Associate. We may make a small commission if you purchase from our links.

Transcript

Brenda:

When my kiddo was struggling, I was spinning, I would say for the first two to three years. He was in various stages of being at home and using, being at home and seemingly doing better in treatment. In treatment, doing well in treatment, doing terrible, running away from treatment, coming back home. So I was in that hurricane of craziness that I know you probably can identify with, and I couldn't see a way out of it because I didn't even know that there was the idea of creating a plan. I just felt like I was at the whim of whatever was going on.

[00:00:46] Welcome to Hopestream, the podcast and community created specifically for parents of teens and young adults Who are misusing substances and struggling with mental health. I'm Brenda Zane, and I have been in your shoes with a child who is addicted to a high risk lifestyle and all the bad things that came with it.

[00:01:07] Listen every week to gain clarity and understanding, learn new skills, and best of all, experience real hope for what might feel like a helpless situation. We want you to not just survive this experience. but potentially find unexpected growth and meaning through it. You are not doing this alone anymore, and we're so glad you're here.

[00:01:30] After the episode, hop over to HopeStreamCommunity.org for more resources.

[00:01:36] 

[00:01:40] Hey friend, it is so good to be here with you today. It's just us today. It's been a while since I have done a solo episode, but I had some thoughts this week that I wanted to share with you. And of course, on the day I go to record this, I had a dentist appointment and have a completely numb mouth, so. I apologize if I sound weird.

[00:02:03] I promise I haven't been drinking. I promise I'm not. I'm not testing the drugs that our kids are using. I just had an unfortunately long dental appointment, so with that, I would love to take a deep breath, mainly because I need it myself. This is something we do. If you're new here, it's not weird. It's not woo woo.

[00:02:27] We actually just get some oxygen down into our lungs, and that just sounds like taking a hugely deep inhale. Hold it for three or four seconds and then let it go. It's amazing. Amazing how much this is just settling and calming to our nervous system. So depending on where you are today, if you are deep in the crisis, if things are just coming unglued around you, just pause your little podcast machine there and just breathe for a few minutes.

[00:03:06] You can always come back and if things are good for you right now, you're feeling really positive and things are headed in the right direction. Maybe you just need one or two, but try to give this to yourself throughout the day. I even at one point was setting alarms on my phone that just said, breathe, because I needed it so much.

[00:03:29] So there's your breathing for the morning or the afternoon or whatever you're doing. When you have me in your ears today. The thoughts that I had that I wanted to share, and I hope I can get out in some sort of sensical way is. What I've named Hope Fatigue, and I know that sounds strange for somebody who is all about hope, whose organization is called Hopestream, whose podcast is called Hopestream.

[00:03:57] We are all about lots of hope here. However, I remember a time when I absolutely had hope fatigue, and I think that is because. I did not have a plan. I had a lot of wishes. I had a lot of dreams. I had a lot of visions, but I did not have a plan of how I was going to get there. And what I realized is that that really caused me to have a lot of fatigue, a lot of despair, and just feeling like I was living in this spinning wheel.

[00:04:36] Things were going on around me. I was watching it all, but I wasn't in control of any of it. And as we always say here on the podcast, you are not in control of someone else. However, there are definitely things that you can be doing to give yourself a sense of control. And as we always talk about, to create conditions for change in your home, in your relationships that can.

[00:05:03] Cause somebody to decide they wanna make some positive change. It might be small, but it's positive change in the right direction. So I'm gonna go through this. I hope it's going to make sense to you. You might wanna download our um, PDF that is in the show notes for this week.

[00:05:21] We actually created a PDF for you so you can go ahead and download that and you wouldn't even need to take notes. I first wanna acknowledge. For anybody listening who is at the end of their rope, who is pulling their hair out, who is trying to figure out how am I gonna get through the end of today? It is an exhausting experience to have a child who's struggling.

[00:05:44] It just is. There's nothing more I can say about it. It is exhausting, and that's the reality. It's even more exhausting though if you are doing this without an action plan. So that's part of what I wanna talk about because I know you're probably like I was, you are the ceiling staring person at three o'clock in the morning and why is everything so much more dramatic and horrible at three o'clock in the morning, by the way, but you're laying there, you are kind of cycling through all of the same worries.

[00:06:20] If only they would X, Y, z if only they wouldn't X, Y, Z. You're going through these mental gymnastics of trying to solve a, like, do you know what a Gurian knot is? If you don't, just Google it. G-U-R-I-A-N, I think is how you spell it. It's a very complex knot and it's like you are trying to untangle that.

[00:06:43] Which is really not possible, especially at three o'clock in the morning. You're also experiencing those physical manifestations of this distress and this anxiety. I always felt it in my chest. My thoughts would be racing through my head. I could not get them to stop, which meant I could not sleep. And I also, as I've talked about before, had a lot of stomach issues.

[00:07:09] My stomach has always been my weak point. I was a stress non eater, so my body wasn't getting any nutrition, and that is just a horrible place to be. And the reason why some of those things are happening on repeat is because you have more of a wish and less of a hope.

[00:07:28] And so I wanna just kind of break down the difference between those. A wish. Sounds like I want my child to be healthy and I want them to be independent and thriving, which is kind of passive, like you're not taking any agency there. Hope with a plan sounds like I am taking specific actions that increase the likelihood of positive change, the likelihood that my child will be independent and healthy and thriving.

[00:07:57] I started to do some research a while ago. As you can imagine, you know, I'm a research nerd on Hope, and what I discovered is there's actually a guy, a professor at the University of Kansas who has what he calls a Hope Theory. His name is Rick Snyder, and he has a book that's called The Psychology of Hope.

[00:08:20] You can get there from here. You know how excited I was to find this information, right? This is just like right up my alley. So he believes that hope is a positive motivational state, and it relies on having a combination of two things. And these are the two things, the motivation and determination to pursue goals.

[00:08:43] So you have to be motivated and you have to have some gumption. And number two. Our pathways or plans or the ability to identify strategies to achieve those goals. So those are the two things that make up this hope theory. It involves willpower to act, and we know sometimes willpower can be very hard to find.

[00:09:08] And it also involves having the ability to find ways to reach the outcome that you're looking for. Now, why do I share this? I share this because I think it's very exciting to hear that there is scientific evidence for this. This is a, an approach that has been proven, and this isn't just all left up to emotions and feelings and.

[00:09:32] Chaos and all this stuff that's swirling around you. So this should, I hope, make you feel good, like it made me feel good when I saw this, that somebody has actually studied this and that there are key components to hope. When my kiddo was struggling, I was spinning, I would say for the first two to three years.

[00:09:55] he was in, various stages of being at home and using, being at home and seemingly doing better in treatment. In treatment, doing well in treatment, doing terrible, running away from treatment, coming back home. So I was in that hurricane of craziness that I know you probably can identify with, and I couldn't.

[00:10:18] See a way out of it because I didn't even know that there was the idea of creating a plan. I just felt like I was at the whim of whatever was going on, I also was feeling oddly guilt because I felt like I should know what to do. I felt like I should be able to do something, but I didn't have anybody to guide me.

[00:10:38] Remember, Hopestream didn't exist then so. I had this weird combo of this helplessness chaos and this guilt spiral. Uh, but I didn't know what to do. And so that just can create a level of exhaustion that I know, you know. Now why do we get stuck here? Why do we get stuck in this wishing zone? for a lot of us, we are trying to rack our brains to understand why.

[00:11:09] As capable, intelligent, loving, caring, insightful parents. How could this be happening? How could we not be able to figure this plan out? There? Is this. Paradox of I am crushing it at work. Maybe you just got a big raise. Maybe you just took on a new project. Maybe you just retired and you are like, yes, I am.

[00:11:35] Finally where I feel like I'm supposed to be. I can manage complex projects, I can do budgets. I am like a spreadsheet pro, but you're also Googling at three o'clock in the morning. What do I do when my kid. You fill in the blank. X, Y, Z. This is probably the most humbling realization that we come to as parents, where all of the things that have helped us be successful in the past aren't working.

[00:12:08] I know this feeling because I was in that position where I had a great job, I was doing well at work, I was successful, I had an amazing team, and I would leave my office and feel like a total failure. And so if you're feeling this kind of paralysis, this paradox of feelings, that is totally normal. it also means that you have a lot of skills.

[00:12:33] That you can put to use, you just need to know how to do it. So there's some really common patterns that Cathy and I see as we kind of hover over hundreds of families is we see this information overload, but there's no implementation. So you may have read, you know, 32 books and listened to 199 podcast episodes.

[00:13:00] You're so inundated and overloaded with information that you don't know how to actually put it to work. there's also a pattern of waiting. So I am waiting for the perfect moment to start this. I'm waiting for X to happen so that I can do Y. Or when my kid does this or doesn't do this, then I'll do this and I will just give you the spoiler alert.

[00:13:24] That perfect moment doesn't exist right now is actually the moment. There's another one that I have to mention, not because I'm trying to make you feel bad or anything like that. But there is a pattern of people who believe, well, my situation is different, my kid is different, my family is different, our scenario is different.

[00:13:48] The trauma that my child experienced is different. And of course, every single human is different, and what they've experienced is different. However, there are common patterns and there are common behaviors that we can address that we see all the time over and over and over. So while your unique situation and all the different things that have happened to your family, of course they're unique, but over overall at a global level, what you need to do, what to, and how to deal with the situation really isn't that unique.

[00:14:25] So. After all of that and thinking through all of this on your behalf, I came up with an eight step plan and this is sort of the plan to go from overwhelming to being able to take some action and. Let me just say right up front, I know eight might sound like a lot. You're like, wait a minute. I, I can't even think of two things in my brain right now.

[00:14:48] It's okay. This is not a prescription that you have to follow, like step by step. It's more of a menu, and so just think of it as you've got eight menu items that you can choose from. You get to pick what sounds most doable and most actionable and digestible to you right now, and I would really recommend doing that.

[00:15:09] Start just with one item from this list. Seriously, just one. I know you're overachiever. You really wanna pick two or three. I'm gonna encourage you to just dial it down and pick one, and then you can always go on to the next And I say that because success really breeds success. A small win in one of these areas will help build self-efficacy.

[00:15:34] It helps build momentum to where you're feeling better about that and you're able to pick up the next one. So step number one, and again, remember we have a PDF download for you in the show notes. Hopestream community.org. Click on podcast. You can search for this episode and download the PDF. And it's even got a, a template for you to fill out.

[00:15:56] You don't have to do this right now on your own. so that's there for you. So step number one, engage professional support. There is a great combination. If in a perfect world I could set up for you, I would hand you with a big red bow, a parent, coach, and a therapist, and I would absolutely recommend having both because they serve very different purposes.

[00:16:22] a parent coach who's trained in CRAFT, who's trained in the invitation to change, is gonna be like your tactical. Day-to-day guide, they are the ones that you call when you're like, what do I say at this moment? Or, how do I get through this particular situation? They are your go-to guide. Your therapist is kind of like your personal excavation person.

[00:16:48] They're the the specialist who can really help you understand where is this triggering you in your life. Where, what is it bringing up for you from your past? There's a lot of gunk that comes up with this, and so having a therapist to help you navigate how this is kind of translating through you into your personal day to day is what your therapist is gonna do.

[00:17:15] Coach, very different. So here's the reality check that I know exists. You might not be able to afford or access both of those, right? So I would say start with what you can. if you have any kind of insurance that covers therapy, a lot of plans today cover online therapy. Organizations like Better Help and those types of things.

[00:17:38] I have heard. Excellent, excellent feedback from people who have done that. I know it may seem weird, like, Ooh, I'm getting my therapist online. Yes, that's kind of how things are working today, so see what is available to you. Also, there are so many therapists that offer a sliding scale, and we also at Hopestream offers sliding scale scholarships.

[00:18:02] So if you are looking for either a therapist. Ask for a sliding scale if it's not affordable. If you are wanting to join the stream, the online, private community that we have for moms and female caregivers here at Hopestream and our membership fees don't work for you, there's a link on our website.

[00:18:22] Just send us a request. We are more than happy. Thrilled actually to offer scholarships. So online coaching and group coaching can also be a little bit more affordable and you can even start just with one session and get some guidance that way. So start small. I know it's not a deal, but I also know the reality that sometimes having both a coach and a therapist are not ideal.

[00:18:48] If I had to pick one, if you're in the thick of it, if you're actually in feet or in the fire right now, I would say get a coach. I say that because they're gonna help you learn how to cope day to day with what's going on, and then you can start to, when you have a little bit more bandwidth, when you have a little bit more peace in your home, you're gonna be able to go back then and start working with a therapist who's gonna be able to help you.

[00:19:14] Now, sometimes you can find a unicorn and you'll find a therapist who. Also is knowledgeable in CRAFT, and I will put a link in the show notes to an organization called Helping Families Help. And they actually have a directory of therapists who are CRAFT trained. So sometimes you can find a combo and that's amazing.

[00:19:36] So that's step number one, 

[00:19:38] engage professional support. 

[00:19:41] Hey, I wanna pause for just a sec to talk about something that has been life changing for so many women who started right where you might be by listening to the show. If you're feeling the isolation, the exhaustion, like nobody gets what you're going through, there is a place designed specifically for you.

[00:19:58] The stream is our private community for moms and female caregivers for parenting teens and young adults through substance use and mental health struggles. And when I say private, I mean completely confidential. It is not connected to Facebook or any other platform, or your business could become everyone's business.

[00:20:17] What members love about this stream is that you can be as visible or as anonymous as you want. Some moms jump right into conversations and calls. Others like to read and learn quietly in the background. Both are perfect. It's not social media. It's genuine community focused on learning growth and breaking through the isolation that might be keeping you from moving forward.

[00:20:39] Right now. Whether your child is in active use in treatment or early recovery, you'll find practical strategies and tools that actually help motivate healthier choices because we know you wanna see positive change in your family. Check it out@hopestreamcommunity.org. We would love to welcome you into this village of support and understanding.

[00:21:03] Okay, back to the show.

[00:21:08] 

[00:21:08] 

[00:21:08] Step number two is find your people. This is why Hopestream exists from the get go is when I looked around me when I was going through this, I could not find my people. This is kind of the um, like the power of the Me Too movement that was going on.

[00:21:28] This is what we need to do. We need to have our own me too moment to not be afraid to step up and poke our head up and look around and say, Hey, are you going through this? Also, I am going through this really difficult time. And when somebody connects with you on this level,

[00:21:48] when you can say, my kiddo got sent to the involuntary psych hold last night, and they don't blink an eye and they just hug you and say, I get it. I get it. That is finding your people. You don't have to explain anything. You don't have to rationalize or minimize anything. You don't have to be embarrassed to say anything.

[00:22:08] That's when you know you have found your tribe. again, I'm gonna put a link in the show notes to our community and our scholarships. We never say no, we don't ask questions. You don't have to prove any sort of. Financial anything. If you need help, Hopestream is here for you to give you help. Sometimes when people come in, they're a little weirded out because it feels weird to be able to talk about all this stuff in public.

[00:22:35] So you might wanna hang out in the background, be a lurker. That's totally fine. But you'll find your people, even if you are an adoptive parent, if you have an L-G-B-T-Q kid, if you have an adult child. So maybe you have a kiddo who's 27 or 28 or 29. That's what we have our subgroups for, so you can find a home there.

[00:22:55] Now, this also might mean for you finding a great Al-Anon group. It may mean finding a great smart recovery family group. It could be a yoga group that you go to who just doesn't. Judge doesn't ask questions. So it is helpful to find a group, like a Hopestream or like Al-Anon or Smart Recovery, where everyone's speaking the same language in a sense.

[00:23:21] Everybody knows what it's like to love somebody who's struggling with substances. However, you might find that somewhere else. So this isn't a strict guideline. These are just, things for you to consider when you're looking for your people. number three. On your menu is to bookend your days. Now, I hesitated putting this in here because it almost seems a little too simple, but for years I have heard from people and I've experienced myself the difference in having a morning and evening ritual.

[00:23:54] I love this because it's actually one of the things that you're a hundred percent in control of and it really makes a big difference. I won't go into a ton of detail because I really believe everybody needs to have their own morning and evening rituals. But a couple of things to consider would be in the morning, just don't pick up your phone.

[00:24:15] maybe start with 15 minutes, then go to half hour, maybe then it's an hour, but leaving your phone alone until you have settled into your day. Set some intentions. Had some sunlight, maybe walked outside, connected with your partner or whoever else is in your home. Maybe it's just a pet.

[00:24:36] The phone can be our biggest enemy when we tap in and we start seeing everything that is going on around us. it could just be your coffee ritual. It could be a prayer time, it could be a meditation. It could just be you. Gathering your thoughts while you lay in bed offering a, a prayer or a plea or whatever you wanna call it, and it just creates a buffer between you, the calm state you're in and the rest of the day because you don't know what that's gonna bring.

[00:25:13] The evening practices, it's a way to really shed the day. Anything that has gone on, a lot of people like to do what I do is I just write a brain dump. At the end of the day, anything I'm thinking about, anything I'm worried about. That way if I wake up at two o'clock in the morning, I already know it's handled because it's on my brain dump list.

[00:25:33] you also don't have to have serious conversations in the evenings. This is a magical one that I found years ago where I realized my brain after about eight 30 is just not great at having kind of heavy, serious conversations or having to make big decisions. So let the people in your world know, Hey, you need anything from me, I'm here for you until 9:00 PM After that, I am not engaging.

[00:26:00] I am not going to try and make a difficult decision. Obviously there's gonna be times when you have some sort of a situation with your child and you can't say that, so you're gonna be able to have to be able to rally and be able to use your skills, use your tools, hit the pause button. But if you've set up your day with a morning ritual and then you've at least used some of your evening ritual, the chances are better that that's gonna go well.

[00:26:27] one thing that I know somebody in our community does that I just think is lovely and amazing is they send themselves a text every night of one thing that they did that was good or at least okay. Might not have anything to do with their child that brought them here. It may not have anything to do with anything serious, but it, it's a little positive reminder at the end of the day and anything like that that you can do is gonna help.

[00:26:53] Number four is connecting to something bigger. this doesn't necessarily have to be religious. It could be for you if, if you have that in your life, but it could just be getting out and walking in nature, looking at a sky full of stars, tapping into. This collective consciousness that I know. I started to realize as I went through this experience with my son and I realized, oh, there is something bigger going on here.

[00:27:28] So thinking about your life and what connects you to something bigger, a higher purpose is gonna be really, really helpful. I kind of think of it coming from the business standpoint that I am not the CEO of the universe. I am not the boss. I don't have all the answers, nor do I have to have all the answers.

[00:27:52] That is so refreshing and so freeing. So give yourself that relief of just knowing you're here. There is something bigger at play and it is conspiring for the good of you. A couple of sort of practical approaches if this is something new in your life, Anne Lamont has a great one word prayer. It is help and don't we know asking for help is really relevant right now. a lot of people find just walking in nature and just doing kind of a walking meditation. Finding a meeting, finding a group of people.

[00:28:31] Maybe you're the, the social person who starts things, and you can start a group maybe at your child's high school or in your neighborhood, or in your church or in your synagogue. So, lots of options for doing this, and I just can't speak highly enough about the importance of connecting to something bigger.

[00:28:52] number five is a little weird. It's gonna sound a little weird, but it's really important, and this is having a vulnerable conversation. What I found is when I started being vulnerable and real with my son and telling him how I was actually doing and also letting him know that I was working on myself, there was a shift in our relationship.

[00:29:18] It wasn't magical. It wasn't that everything was fixed overnight, but there was definitely a shift when he saw me being more real. What I wanna make sure and emphasize here though is that this is not telling your child, I have to work on myself because of you, or I have to do this because you're so crazy or out of control, or whatever it is.

[00:29:42] This is not a blame game. This is getting vulnerable. And saying, Hey, I recognize that we all play a role in this family. I'm working on my role. I can't change you. I can't change your mom, your dad, your whoever. I can change me, and I'm learning how to do that. I'm learning how to respond differently. I'm learning how to control my emotions.

[00:30:10] I have help. I'm part of, you know, tell them about the group that you're in or how you're connected to a higher power. You're not taking blame, you are just taking responsibility for your part. And what that does, a, it lets them know that you are real and that you are human and you don't have all the answers.

[00:30:30] And it models change for them. It models how you want them to approach things as well. Now, they may say, when you get vulnerable and you have this conversation in a green light moment, by the way, in the Invitation to Change curriculum, we learn about red and green lights. So in a green light moment, you might share this information with them and they may come back with something that doesn't feel exactly like you would like it to be.

[00:30:57] They may come back with skepticism, like, yeah, right, I'll, you know, wait to see that day. But stay consistent. Your actions over time are gonna speak more than your words, so just stay consistent with it. They may also show some relief, like, oh, okay, they're actually seeing something that's going on here in our family.

[00:31:19] They also may just be completely indifferent, and that is okay. Your job is not to change their response. Your job is just to let them know you are working on you.

[00:31:32] Number six is to schedule sacred self time. I am not going to rehash the cliche about the oxygen mask. However, it is true and you at 10, 20% capacity doesn't help anyone. I always talk about the airplane analogy, not about the oxygen mask, but if you and your child are both airplanes and you're flying through the air and your child's airplane starts to sputter and.

[00:32:05] It starts tipping side to side, and it starts going down, and it is doing a nose dive to the ground. Are you going to take your airplane, attach it, tether it to theirs, and go down with them? Probably not the best idea. You've got to keep your airplane in the sky flying strong with plenty of fuel, with all the right bells and lights and switches in the right place.

[00:32:35] So that before they're plane crashes, you are there to help them. We talk about self care and self preservation a lot on the Hopetream Podcast, and that is because Cathy and I and all of our facilitators and coaches and therapists in the community we see at work, that's why we talk about it. You have to schedule this time until you get used to taking it for yourself.

[00:33:01] Because you're gonna feel guilty. You're gonna say, I can't do that. I've gotta go take care of someone else. And we are saying that is false. You must take care of you. Even if it is starting out with a 15 minute walk around the block, and maybe you can work up to 30 minutes and then you can work up to an hour and maybe.

[00:33:23] If you get good at this and you start seeing how it benefits everybody around you, including your child who's struggling, maybe you will join us in the stream for one of our retreats, which is coming up next year in October. That is the ultimate sign that you have done the work on yourself and you realize that you can leave for four days and life will continue on.

[00:33:47] it may be crazy. Things might happen, but they're gonna happen no matter where you are. You have to protect this time fiercely because everyone in the world and their brother and their mother-in-law is gonna try and take that time away from you because they're gonna be used to you over functioning for them.

[00:34:07] So we always say, let your people know, oh, I am making these changes and that includes every single day, 15 minutes for myself. Whatever you need to do, protect it fiercely. Sometimes that might start with something like grocery shopping with your phone in airplane mode, right? Very simple, but also can sound very scary.

[00:34:30] If you're not used to doing that, then you can move up from there.

[00:34:35] Number seven is. A boundary blueprint. You didn't think I was gonna get through this entire thing and not talk about boundaries, did you? you have to find your limits. You just have to find your limits. And you may be bumping up against them right now, and you're like, oh, whoa, I know where my limits are, or.

[00:34:54] You may be feeling trampled on. You may be feeling like you are walking on eggshells way too often and accommodating for everybody around you, but you don't exactly know where your boundaries are. The first ones I would say to think about is your physical safety. Physical safety is not negotiable if you are feeling unsafe around anybody, including your child.

[00:35:21] You can listen to Hopestream, episode 2 97 with Dina Cannizzarro who talked about this on her episode just not too long ago. You have got to feel safe in your home with your child, with everybody in your world, 

[00:35:39] if you don't feel safe, that is a clear indicator that you need to work on setting up some limits, setting up some fences with some gates so that people understand how to interact with you. The next one you might wanna focus on are financial boundaries. If there is one common thing we hear all the time at Hopestream, it is how do I know when to give money when not to give money?

[00:36:06] How do I know how much money I feel okay about spending on treatment? Again, these are things that you've got to know your limits. It's going to greatly decrease your anxiety and stress level if you've already established these things before you're having a conversation with your child. Then there's also just emotional preservation limits.

[00:36:28] You know, I am not comfortable with this happening in my home. I am not comfortable with X, Y, Z, therefore, I am going to X, Y, Z. That's how you really frame up a boundary. It's not about you can't do this, you should do this. It is about you. It always starts with an I if I feel uncomfortable with X, Y, Z. I will be doing X, Y, Z.

[00:36:54] So think about your limits and then really communicate those limits during a time, again, in a green light moment where you can say to your people, and this isn't just your child, this is probably gonna be siblings and partners, or exes, any kind of co-parent who's involved to be able to say to them, I'm making some changes, and they're gonna feel different.

[00:37:18] also expect some pushback because if somebody pushes back when you set a boundary, it means that it was very much needed. There's a great saying that I love by Dr. Henry Cloud, and that is you get what you tolerate. So think about what you're tolerating and think about how you can set some limits around that to make yourself and your life a little less anxiety producing.

[00:37:45] And finally, number eight is become a student again. You may have a bachelor's degree, a master's degree, and a PhD. You might have several of those degrees. what I want you to think about is to get those degrees, you had to study, you had to change things about your life. You had to dedicate time.

[00:38:11] And this. Situation with your child requires that same level of dedication. You would not walk into perform surgery or to give a speech or walk into a big sales negotiation without the proper training. We talked about this a couple episodes ago on our parent, like a Hostage Negotiator episode.

[00:38:34] same thing. You're going to need to go back to learning mode, and often we push against this. We just think, well, I should know how to do this. I should know how to be a parent. I should know what to say or how to handle these very difficult situations. No, you don't. You shouldn't.

[00:38:52] You shouldn't know how to do that. Those are not things that are taught. There's no manual, there's no book. And honestly, 85% of parents in the world never have to learn this stuff. So give yourself a break, get the learning, and consider it becoming a student again. We often talk about spending just 10 minutes a day in our community, in the stream.

[00:39:16] If you're a mom or a female caregiver, we'll give you a really good foundation for some of these tools. Listening to these podcasts, we have a start here podcast playlist. We've got the top 10 playlist. We have CRAFT playlists, so. Think of that as your school, along with other podcasts that are really great at helping you navigate not just this time with your child, but learning things about yourself will be incredibly helpful.

[00:39:44] And then also just set small goals. Don't look at a CRAFT curriculum or a 13 week course or anything like that and get. Intimidated by that or get frustrated by that or overwhelmed, break it down into small goals. We as sort of type a highly functioning parents, tend to over consume content.

[00:40:11] We have every single book we listen to, every single podcast we go to all the Zoom calls. Just focus on one thing, help yourself, help yourself. Break it down, small goals. Maybe your goal for next month is to take one course and really focus on that one skill and get really good at it.

[00:40:35] If you do, it tends to lower the overwhelm.

[00:40:39] The reason I really emphasize starting small is because we see moms sometimes come into the stream. They try to do everything at once. They are signed up for every class, every course, every chat, every guest speaker, and they crash by a few weeks in. They are just so overwhelmed. They feel like they're drinking from a fire hose, and that is not gonna be helpful.

[00:41:02] So. If you can just break it down, think about what you really need the most. Is it communication skills? Is it learning how to take care of yourself? Is it learning more about the treatment milieu and what's going on and different types of options? Take that, break it down into small steps and start there.

[00:41:24] how do you make all of this real? I know it can feel like a lot just before you go to bed tonight, think of one of these things from this eight part plan. Focus on that and set the smallest possible goal. That would be my recommendation. I like to think a lot about Atomic habits by James Clear, and he breaks down this kind of compounded effect.

[00:41:49] That you may have heard about, you know, compounding interest in finance. But think about if you can just do 1% better today. And 1% better tomorrow. That compounds over time. And what's the best thing about that is that your child is watching you make these changes, and when you change, the entire system changes.

[00:42:14] It's impossible for it not to. So that is really good news. If you change, it's impossible for the rest of the family system not to change because these little actions that you're gonna take when you break it down, it creates these little ripple effects and you might not be able to see them yet.

[00:42:35] And I know that's frustrating and you wanna see them immediately, but they will happen over time. So if you're feeling. That thought of, I should be doing more, I should be doing this better. Just know you shouldn't. You should not be doing more. You should just be doing something and focusing on that.

[00:42:56] Remember that perfect is the enemy of good. Don't try to be perfect at it. It's just a messy situation that we are in, and it's okay. It's okay to be there.

[00:43:08] To close out, we want to go from having a wish to hope. That is what we want to do. So you might have come here with an idea of wanting your child to be healthy or wanting them to be independent, wanting them to be different than they are. And you're gonna leave, hopefully. With a plan, with at least one of these eight steps that you can take and work on immediately.

[00:43:34] And what that does is it transforms this kind of energetic, wishing into energetic hope, and I love hope be sure to go to the show note. Download the plan template. It's all there for you. It may, we try to make it super easy for you, and then just share with one person. If you're in the stream community, reach out to one of the other mamas, maybe in your subgroup and just let them know I'm starting this plan so that you can be accountable to each other and know that you're not behind.

[00:44:09] You're no longer in spin mode. You are starting with a plan.

[00:44:14] I will leave and end off with a Rumi quote, which if you know me, you know I 

[00:44:19] Love Rumi, who said yesterday I was clever. So I wanted to change the world today. I am wise, so I am changing.

[00:44:30] Alright, my friend, that's what I have for you today. If you would like to download a free ebook I wrote called Worried Sick. A compassionate guide for parents whose kids are misusing drugs or alcohol. Just go to Hopestream community.org/worried and you can download that.

[00:44:49] It'll introduce you to the craft approach and some new ways of thinking about what's going on in your family. Also, we are very excited to announce our free limited membership. So if you've been curious about joining Hope Stream, what it's like, what in the world we do in our community, you can join us anytime.

[00:45:09] And this is open to moms, dads. Co-parents, anybody. You can go to Hope Stream community.org, click on the stream and you will see a link there to join. So we would love to have you, it's totally free. You have access to a four-part video series course, which is really helpful, as well as resources, a monthly live stream with myself and Cathy and some other great stuff.

[00:45:35] So we hope you'll take advantage of that. You are. Amazing. You are a Seal Team parent. You're showing up here and learning, and I cannot thank you enough for doing the work to help your family, which in turn helps everybody. I'll meet you right back here next week.