What Parents of Struggling Kids Really Need, with Brenda Zane

 ABOUT THE EPISODE: 

When your friend or family member has a child struggling with mental health and substance use, it can feel awkward and difficult to know how to help support them. This episode is meant to be a resource for learning ways that you can be helpful, not hurtful, when your friend or family member is experiencing a parenting crisis.

I share some common misperceptions about addiction and substance use, talk about the latest science on motivation and change, and give real examples of what you can do to help. It’s a practical guide to give you ideas and new information about substance use, mental health and navigating the hardest parenting season. 

EPISODE RESOURCES: 

• Dr. Anna Lembke on Hopestream episode 110
• Addiction Primer for Friends and Family Members

This podcast is part of a nonprofit called Hopestream Community
Learn about The Stream, our private online community for moms
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Download a free e-book, Worried Sick: A Compassionate Guide For Parents When Your Teen or Young Adult Child Misuses Drugs and Alcohol

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Speaker: There's a saying I love, which is if people could be shamed out of addiction, there would be no addicts. Parents who are dealing with a child's addiction are already drowning in advice, research, treatment options, and there's so much conflicting information. Dr. Gabor Mate writes extensively about how each person's path to addiction is unique, which means each person's path to recovery must be equally individualized.

[00:00:28] Speaker: So. Well, it's awesome that your friend Jane's daughter went to detox in Florida and it worked. Doesn't mean that that program will necessarily be a good fit for your grandson, your niece, or whoever.

[00:00:46] Speaker: Welcome to Hope Stream, the podcast for parents of teens and young adults struggling with substance use and mental health. I'm Brenda Zane. I've walked this path with my own child's addiction and high risk lifestyle. Each week we help [00:01:00] you gain clarity, learn new skills, and most importantly, find real hope in what might feel helpless.

[00:01:07] Speaker: You are not helpless, and you're not alone anymore. Find more resources@holingcommunity.org.

[00:01:18] Speaker: Hey, friend, it's a solo show today, and I'm gonna keep the upfront here really short because this episode actually isn't for you. This episode is for those who have a child who does not struggle with substance use and mental health, but who wants to be there for and support someone who does. So if you were forwarded this, or if you came across it in your searching.

[00:01:42] Speaker: It probably means that someone you know and likely love has a child, could be a teenager, a college student, even somebody in their mid to late twenties who's really having a hard time right now. They might be experimenting with drugs and alcohol. They might be in active addiction. [00:02:00] They could be in a treatment program right now, or some combination of all of those, and most likely, they're also having a really hard time with their mental health.

[00:02:11] Speaker: It's a lot, and your friend or family member is also having a really hard time right now because they're trying to help their child and also navigate their regular life, including their relationship with you, which gets difficult because if they're in the thick of things right now, meaning their child is actively using or in treatment, they don't have much brain space to explain everything to the people around them.

[00:02:40] Speaker: They're probably barely keeping their head above water, just trying to get through the day to day, so they may not have shared much with you. And if their child is in the early stages of recovery, maybe they're in a sober living house, your friend or family member is likely dealing with some PTSD for [00:03:00] real.

[00:03:00] Speaker: And waiting for the other shoe to drop. So they're basically walking a tightrope between a bunch of chaos that's happened in their life and some glimmers of hope that things are gonna get better. And this is why you're hearing this, because I know they love you dearly and they want you to know some things and they probably don't have the energy or feel like they have the right words to explain what's going on.

[00:03:25] Speaker: So I'm sharing ways that you can be helpful. Not hurtful for this very special person in your life. Imagine your sister calls you, her voice is shaking, and she tells you her 19-year-old son was just arrested for possession. Or maybe your daughter confides that your granddaughter is back in treatment for the third time.

[00:03:48] Speaker: Your first instinct might be to say something like, well, maybe this will finally teach him a lesson. Or, you know, treatment obviously doesn't work for her. But what if [00:04:00] I told you that that response, however well-meaning it is, might actually make things worse for both their child and for them, what they really need is your support.

[00:04:12] Speaker: And I want to acknowledge that navigating a relationship like this is super complex. You may have lived through your own family's addiction struggles decades ago. This may be completely foreign territory to you. Either way. The landscape of addiction treatment and family support has fundamentally and drastically changed.

[00:04:34] Speaker: What we thought we knew about distancing, tough love and hitting rock bottom has been challenge by decades of science and research, and we now know what actually motivates lasting change. Here's how I'd like to have you think about the situation. If your loved one called to tell you their child had been diagnosed with stage four cancer, how would you respond?

[00:04:59] Speaker: [00:05:00] You'd probably feel devastated for them. Ask what you could do. Maybe you would do some research and treatment. You would start a GoFundMe. I'm guessing you wouldn't suggest that they caused their child's illness or that their child deserved it and brought it on themself. Today in 2025, addiction is now understood to be a complex medical condition.

[00:05:25] Speaker: According to the American Medical Association and samhsa, substance use disorders involve changes to brain circuits involved in the reward, stress, and self-control center. It's not a moral failing or a choice that somebody makes because they lack willpower. It's a complex interplay of genetics, environment, trauma, and brain chemistry.

[00:05:49] Speaker: In other words, your loved one is dealing with a child with a potentially life-threatening condition, and your support needs to take that into consideration. [00:06:00] So if understanding addiction comes from experiences in the seventies, eighties, or nineties, or even before that. You are working with outdated information.

[00:06:10] Speaker: The Minnesota Model of confrontational intervention that dominated treatment for decades has, for the most part, been replaced by approaches that recognize that shame and fear actually drive people deeper into substance use, not toward recovery. There's a saying I love, which is if people could be shamed out of addiction, there would be no addicts.

[00:06:34] Speaker: Parents who are dealing with a child's addiction are already drowning in advice, research, treatment options, and there's so much conflicting information. Dr. Gabor Mate writes extensively about how each person's path to addiction is unique, which means each person's path to recovery must be equally individualized.

[00:06:55] Speaker: So while it's awesome that your friend Jane's daughter went to [00:07:00] detox in Florida and it worked. Doesn't mean that that program will necessarily be a good fit for your grandson, your niece, or whoever. Suggestions, like just cut him off financially or you need to kick him out or let, just let him hit rock bottom.

[00:07:16] Speaker: Don't factor in the complexity of that situation and the current evidence about what actually promotes somebody being motivated to change. Those approaches do often sound logical if you're on the outside looking in. But they can literally be life-threatening recommendations instead of giving advice or offering solutions, you can try, phrases like this must be incredibly overwhelming for you.

[00:07:43] Speaker: Or I can only imagine how scared you must feel, or what's the hardest part about all of this right now? Those responses which are rooted in the craft approach, which I'm gonna talk about in a minute, validate your loved one's experience rather [00:08:00] than minimizing it or making them feel judged for how they're handling the situation.

[00:08:06] Speaker: So here are some practical ways to actually help your friend or family member whose kiddo is struggling. And when I say kid, that could be a 14-year-old or a 24-year-old. First, ask specifically how you can help and then follow through. This means maybe picking up other kids that they have from their activities, bringing a meal over that they can throw into the freezer for extra chaotic days, or just being present and checking in when you know there's a court date or a treatment meeting.

[00:08:38] Speaker: And when I say specific, I mean really be specific because your person is basically working with half a brain if things are bad right now and being vague and wanting to help actually just feel more overwhelming. So saying, I'm going to Costco on Saturday. Can I pick up anything for you is better than [00:09:00] the vague?

[00:09:00] Speaker: Let me know if you need anything. Or I have Tuesday afternoon free. Could I help with anything around the house or run some errands for you? The specificity sounds a little weird, but it makes it easier for them to accept help, which by the way is very hard for many of us to do. Don't be surprised if you get a no, I'm okay.

[00:09:22] Speaker: Just keep offering. Hey, I wanna pause for just a sec to talk about something that has been life changing for so many women who started right where you might be by listening to the show. If you're feeling the isolation, the exhaustion, like nobody gets what you're going through. There is a place designed specifically for you.

[00:09:43] Speaker: The stream is our private community for moms and female caregivers. Her parenting teens and young adults through substance use and mental health struggles. And when I say private, I mean completely confidential. It is not connected to Facebook or any other platform, or your [00:10:00] business could become everyone's business.

[00:10:02] Speaker: What members love about this stream is that you can be as visible or as anonymous as you want. Some moms jump right into conversations and calls. Others like to read and learn quietly in the background. Both are perfect. It's not social media, it's genuine community. Focused on learning growth and breaking through the isolation that might be keeping you from moving forward right now.

[00:10:26] Speaker: Whether your child is in active use in treatment or early recovery, you'll find practical strategies and tools that actually help motivate healthier choices because we know you wanna see positive change in your family. Check it out@hopedreamcommunity.org. We would love to welcome you into this village of support and understanding.

[00:10:48] Speaker: Okay, back to the show and to that point, remember that your friend or family member might look on the outside like they're doing fine. While they're really [00:11:00] falling apart internally, they're probably good at putting on a mask that doesn't show the stress of having a child who is at risk and struggling.

[00:11:09] Speaker: They don't want you to see that this is eating them alive, but it is. Now, let me tell you about something called craft. If the parent you're supporting isn't yelling, if they're not threatening kicking their kid out of the house or using what used to be called Tough Love, they might be using an evidence-based approach called Community Reinforcement in Family Training or Craft.

[00:11:33] Speaker: It's a terrible acronym. Today's research shows that this method is significantly more effective at getting young people to accept help for substance use disorders and into treatment than more confrontational approaches. This approach has a 64% success rate in engaging people in treatment compared to more traditional intervention methods.

[00:11:57] Speaker: The reason I'm bringing this specific topic up [00:12:00] is because craft can appear from the outside to be deceptively passive to an outside observer. You might see a parent who seems too soft or you think they're enabling their child. When they're actually using a very strategic approach. So it's important not to judge or criticize because unless you've been trained in the craft approach, you're not working with all of the information you need to assess what they're doing.

[00:12:29] Speaker: I've put together a current educational resource in the show notes@hopestreamcommunity.org so you can download those and start to better understand the science behind craft. Other strategies like motivational interviewing and acceptance and commitment therapy. If you do nothing else, literally nothing else.

[00:12:50] Speaker: I encourage you to read the primer for friends and family that we have shared there and the resources just to lay some groundwork for you [00:13:00] when you see someone showing up intoxicated, getting arrested, or doing things that seem like crazy irrational choices. You're actually witnessing symptoms of their struggle.

[00:13:14] Speaker: You are not just witnessing a lack of willpower. Dr. Anna Lemke is a physician in her research on dopamine and addiction is absolutely eye-opening, and it helps us understand that those behaviors are really desperate attempts to regulate. Overwhelming emotional pain. I did an episode with Dr. Lemke. If you wanna listen to it, just go on your go in Google and search for Hope Stream podcast, episode one 10.

[00:13:42] Speaker: The young person that your family member is worried about is likely dealing with some trauma, some mental health challenges or brain chemistry that makes typical coping strategies that you or I may not, may use. Insufficient. They're not choosing substances [00:14:00] because it's fun or because they're weak or immoral.

[00:14:03] Speaker: They're using substances because in that moment, it's the most effective tool they have for managing their discomfort and pain. And unfortunately, when this is a teenager, they often get labeled as the bad kid or the troublemaker, which then only adds to them feeling like they don't fit in, like no one understands them.

[00:14:24] Speaker: Then that can cause a vicious cycle of feeling bad and then using because they feel so bad. There's something really important that I wanna share before wrapping this up, and that is that shame, exhaustion and the completely unpredictable nature of addiction and mental health challenges in young people often causes parents to isolate.

[00:14:48] Speaker: They stop seeing their friends. They set aside their favorite hobbies. They avoid family gatherings, or they become mysteriously unreachable because they are afraid of [00:15:00] judgment. They're just playing exhausted and their brains are fried, or they don't wanna burden you with their crisis. They know it's impossible for someone to understand what they're going through unless you've been through it.

[00:15:13] Speaker: So it's just easier not to talk about it. This is such a dangerous thing though because when they start isolating, or if they've been isolating for years, which is often the case, it impacts everyone around them, especially other kids in the home and their spouse or partner. If there's one in the picture, it's like their entire world is in shrink wrap and they're stuck and unable to reach out.

[00:15:40] Speaker: So please set some regular check-in dates that don't require them to initiate the contact and really hold them to getting out and seeing you. You can be nice and realistic about it, but let them know that you know how hard it can be to get out and that you love them enough to provide a strong [00:16:00] nudge to do it.

[00:16:02] Speaker: You can send a quick text that says, thinking of you today, no need to respond and then really don't expect to respond. When you do connect, ask how are you doing? Rather than immediately asking about their child, because trust me, everyone is focused on their child. They need somebody to know that someone is checking in on them.

[00:16:25] Speaker: And if possible, pay attention to significant dates. Things like court appearances, treatment program starts and ends anniversaries of overdoses or arrests. These are times when it might feel awkward to reach out, but nothing, trust me, nothing can get more awkward than having a child who is really struggling.

[00:16:46] Speaker: So a genuine connection from you at those times goes a long way. It shows you're willing to show up even in the midst of the mucky, uncomfortable season that your friend or family member is in. [00:17:00] I know this might feel like a lot. But your education and support truly does create a ripple effect that goes far beyond your immediate friend or family member.

[00:17:11] Speaker: When you take the initiative to understand current addiction science and respond with compassion for your loved one and their child, rather than judgment, you're helping to reduce the stigma that usually prevents people from seeking help in the first place. Again, I've put resources in the show notes, especially check out the primer for friends and family that will help you be part of the solution and not inadvertently add to your person's problems.

[00:17:43] Speaker: Trust me, they have plenty of those. The good news is once you get up to speed, you won't have to walk on eggshells around this person or never know what to say. You can feel more comfortable and confident about truly helping someone who's going through a horrible [00:18:00] time. And even if you don't download the resources or read any of the information, you can thank them for sending this to you and just say, it must be so hard where you are right now.

[00:18:11] Speaker: How can I best support you? That alone will be a good first step. That's it for today. Remember to go to Hope Stream community.org to check out a bunch of free resources that we have there, as well as our private online community for moms called The Stream, and I'll see you next week.

[00:18:33] Speaker: Okay, my friend. If you want the transcript or the show notes and resources from this episode, just go to our website, hope Stream community.org, and click podcast. That'll take you to all things podcast related. We even have a start here playlist that we created, so if you're new here, be sure to check that out.

[00:18:52] Speaker: Also, if you're feeling anxious and confused about how to approach your child's substance use, we have [00:19:00] got a free ebook for you. It's called Worried Sick, A compassionate guide for parents of teens and young adults misusing drugs and alcohol. It'll introduce you to ways that you can build connection and relationship with your child versus distancing and letting them hit rock bottom.

[00:19:17] Speaker: It is a game changer and it's totally free. Just go to Hope Stream community.org/worried to download that. You are amazing, my friend. You are such an elite level parent. It is an honor to be here with you and please know you're not doing this alone. You've got this tribe and you will be okay sending all my love and light and I will meet you right back here next week.