Break Through to Your Child Struggling with Drugs & Alcohol

EPISODE DESCRIPTION:

Need a way to better navigate even the most challenging conversations? 

Over time, I've learned that making a request of someone can go south quickly when you don't know how to set it up properly. In this "from-the-vault" episode from my 2021 archives (perfect for our summer slowdown while I recharge between recording sessions), I share one of my absolute favorite communication frameworks that you can learn in 30 minutes and start using within hours.

The SURF technique—known in traditional CRAFT terminology as "positive communication" provides a practical conversation framework for those moments when you need to make a request of your child, especially during tense or emotionally charged situations. Whether you're asking them to apply for jobs, respect curfew, follow through on treatment commitments, or just empty the dishwasher, this approach helps you move from power struggles to problem-solving...together.

If you're the type of parent who can solve any problem or crisis but feels completely powerless when your child yells back at you or slams the door on you mid-sentence, this episode is for you. 

I'll break down each element of the SURF framework with real examples, plus I give you five concrete tips for implementation that acknowledge the messy reality of family life.

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Transcript

You're looking for a place where you can acknowledge your actions or your way of being and share that with them in a genuine way. You do this because if you share the problem, your son or daughter is more likely to see you as wanting to solve a problem together rather than blame the problem on them.

This adds an element of collaboration. so they start to see you as human. They start to see that you are capable of making mistakes just like they do, and it's less alienating for them.

Welcome to Hope Stream, the podcast for parents of teens and young adults struggling with substance use and mental health. I'm Brenda Zane. I've walked this path with my own child's addiction and high-risk lifestyle. Each week, we help you gain clarity, learn new skills, and most importantly, find real hope in what might feel helpless.

You are not helpless, and you're not alone anymore. Find more resources at hopestreamcommunity.org.

[00:01:11] Episode Introduction

Hi, friend. Thanks for coming to hang out with me today. I know you've got a lot of choices of other things that you could do with your very limited and precious time. So it means a lot to me that you're here and it shows me that you are the kind of person who does not accept the status quo. You [00:01:30] see a problem that needs to be solved and you are determined you are going to solve it.

I was talking with a potential podcast guest this morning. She works with executive-level women in leadership roles, and when I told her about our incredible audience, she resonated even though she doesn't have a child who has been through it in air quotes it. When her oldest child was two, he ended up in the ICU for a condition they couldn't really identify.

As a CEO, she experienced what I think a lot of us experience, which is, I can solve any problem, throw me the biggest messiest, never been solved before, problem, and I'll solve it. And then our child is hurting and at risk and we can't solve it. And it is a feeling that is really hard to put into words.

Powerless, anxious. Incompetent, frustrated, all the bad words. So if that sounds like you, you are in the right place. When I was digging through our library for today's episode from the Vault, I was so happy to find this gem that I had forgotten I had recorded back in 2021. And if you are a member of the stream, you know this is one of my all time favorite tools to share.

You can learn it now in like a half an [00:03:00] hour, and then you can go use it in the next, I don't know, 2 10, 24 hours and get results. I call this skill surf, but if you are used to craft terminology, you'll recognize it as positive communication. Same thing. I just happen to like acronyms because I think they can be easier to remember.

We will dive right in, but please press pause if you have not gifted yourself two to three deep cleansing breaths today. And if your water bottle is empty, run, fill that up and we will get right into a highly practical, simple, I will caveat, not necessarily easy at first, but a simple skill that will literally transform your conversations and set you up for the best possible chance.

A productive conversation, especially when you need to or want to make a request of someone, particularly a challenging person, who may or may not be your child who struggles with substances and mental health. Okay, here we go. 

[00:04:11] Introducing S.U.R.F.

You can remember the little tool that we'll talk about using the acronym surf, and that stands for specific Understanding, responsibility and Feelings. And I will talk about each one of those and give an example so that you [00:04:30] can kind of see how to use this. Really powerful way of connecting with people.

And then we'll talk about some other tips and tricks on actually implementing it. And I should say too, before we jump in, that you don't have to use the letters of this acronym in order. I know for some acronyms you do, you don't have to for this. So. All you have to do is just remember, serve, remember, SURF.

They're all just ingredients basically that you're using to mix into your conversation wherever they fit best. So that'll all start to make sense in just a minute. 

[00:05:06] The S in SURF - Specific

First off, the S and SERVE stands for specific, so to the very best of your ability. Don't be vague, don't hint at what you want. Don't assume that your son or daughter knows what you want or what you're expecting of them.

Vagueness is really easy to ignore. And to challenge. And if you're not very specific, it just opens the door for misinterpretation and negotiation. And as we know, our kids are master negotiators. We in the stream, we have this running joke that if we could somehow get all of our kids together and use all of their negotiation skills for positive cause, they would all be billionaires and be able to repay us for.

All of the money we've invested in them because they're truly masters at this. So be very specific about [00:06:00] your ask or request and limit the conversation to one topic versus a bunch at the same time. I'd like you to apply for three jobs this week is way more easily understood than I'm sick of you laying around all day.

You need to get it together. Or I want you to call me if you don't have anyone sober To drive is more actionable than. I want you to be responsible and act your age, because you can imagine if you say that, I want you to be responsible and act your age, your daughter is probably gonna come back with something like, are you saying I'm not responsible?

And then she'll give you four examples of how she has been responsible in the last week, and then you're debating her actions in the last week and whether you think they're responsible or not. Or to what degree you think they're responsible. And then she'll argue that her three friends who are also her age are way less responsible.

And there you go. You are in a power struggle over what you and she believe demonstrates responsible behavior, not helpful, not productive. And it usually ends with somebody slamming a door. But what if you're feeling lots of emotions and you really don't know what you want? You will need to just take some time to think about what would show positive progress.

What would be something specific and tangible that they could do to demonstrate [00:07:30] progress to you? I'd also recommend starting with some small, specific actions. Don't start with huge things like get a job. If that's the end goal, come up with two or three steps that they can take to accomplish to get I.

To the actual job. So just think about a few small milestones for this week or next week or whenever you're gonna start using this that you can communicate succinctly versus just saying how fed up or frustrated or disappointed you are. 

[00:08:04] The U in SURF - Understanding

The U INER stands for understanding. In your conversation, you're going to offer a statement of understanding, which it can help reduce their defensiveness.

It allows them to kind of disarm and actually hear what you're saying, rather than always being on the defense and in their mind while you're talking, they're coming up with what they're going to say to refute you. And I am sure you have heard more than one time, mom or dad, you just don't understand.

You don't have a clue what I'm going through. And you know what? We don't, we haven't lived their experience or anybody else's. And so even if we have been through really hard things, which I'm guessing most of you have. Telling them that just isn't going to make them feel any better. Saying that we don't know and offering some [00:09:00] understanding for what they're going through though, can be super powerful.

It just lets them know that you're not trying to approach the conversation from where they are. You're still standing in your shoes, not in theirs, and so you just get that off the table immediately. So that could sound like, yeah, I can see how you'd think that, or how you'd feel that, or it must be a big adjustment coming home from treatment or, wow, I never had to deal with that.

I can't imagine having to cope with this. So those could be magical words to just bring down the defenses and to help move that conversation into a more positive and genuine direction. 

[00:09:43] The R in SURF - Responsibility

Then the R in SURF stands for responsibility. Now, this is where it can get hard taking some amount of responsibility even when you don't necessarily think you have any to take.

But the truth is, if we look hard enough, we can almost always find a place where we can take a little bit of responsibility for what's going on with the situation at hand. And it's important to say here. You are not playing the martyr. You're not taking full responsibility and placing all of this on your shoulders.

You're just looking for a place where you can acknowledge your actions or your way of being and share that with them in a genuine way. You do this [00:10:30] because if you share the problem, your son or daughter is more likely to see you as wanting to solve a problem together rather than blame the problem on them.

And this adds an element of collaboration. And so they start to see you as human. They start to see that you are capable of making mistakes just like they do, and it's less alienating for them. So that might sound like. You know, I could have done that better, or I've been learning a lot from my therapist or my coach about how I can be better at parenting or I don't always get it right.

So those things break down some of those hard barriers, you can envision them standing with their hand up. So including some of these can just start to open a dialogue rather than a debate.

[00:11:22] The F in SURF - Feelings

 The F in SURF stands for feelings. So another ingredient in the surf recipe is describing the emotional impact something is having on you, but not doing it in a highly emotional way.

And we will talk about that in a minute. But a good rule of thumb is to take the word you out of the sentence when you're trying to have a respectful, productive conversation. Especially when that someone is your child. So giving your feelings, labels just helps your child know what the real issues are.[00:12:00] 

I worry about what's happening when you're not home by midnight. I. Is way more helpful in having them understand what's going on, versus you're always late. Don't you know your curfew is 12 o'clock, so that's a really emotionally charged statement versus that I worry about what's happening when you're not home by midnight, because that's the truth, right?

You are worried about what's happening, so you're sharing that statement of feelings. So if you say you're always late, don't you know your curfew is at 12 o'clock, what are you gonna get back if you start there? I know that's the really easy thing that rolls off our tongue, especially if it's one or two o'clock in the morning.

But rephrasing those words to just clearly state how you're feeling is something that they can't argue with. They could say they don't think that you should feel that way, but they can't tell you that you're not feeling it. A few other examples of sharing your feelings would be things like, it scares me when I think of you hurting yourself or someone else.

Instead of saying, you know, if you drive after you take Xanax, you could easily kill someone. Or it's really encouraging to see you getting up earlier instead of saying with a sarcastic voice, well, why are you up so early? So remember what I said at the beginning? You don't need to use all of these letters in order, you just need to mix them into the conversation.

[00:13:29] Example of SURF in a statement

So [00:13:30] here's an example of what that could sound like when you put it all together.

[00:13:33] About The Stream Community

 Hey, I wanna pause for just a sec to talk about something that has been life changing for so many women who started right where you might be by listening to the show. If you're feeling the isolation, the exhaustion, like nobody gets what you're going through, there is a place designed specifically for you.

The stream is our private community for moms and female caregivers for parenting teens and young adults through substance use and mental health struggles. And when I say private, I mean completely confidential. It is not connected to Facebook or any other platform, or your business could become everyone's business.

What members love about this stream is that you can be as visible or as anonymous as you want. Some moms jump right into conversations and calls. Others like to read and learn quietly in the background. Both are perfect. It's not social media. It's genuine community focused on learning growth and breaking through the isolation that might be keeping you from moving forward.

Right now. Whether your child is in active use in treatment or early recovery, you'll find practical strategies and tools that actually help motivate healthier choices because we know you wanna see positive change in your family. Check it out@hopestreamcommunity.org. We would love to welcome you into this village of support and understanding.

Okay, back to the [00:15:00] show.

Hey Kyle, you have been home for treatment for two weeks now, which is so great and I can imagine it might feel a little overwhelming to know where to start with everything. I realize that I've been nagging you for the past few days about applying for school and probably a lot of other things, and I've honestly been really stressed out about work and I'm just not at my best and I haven't been sleeping very well.

It would really help me not to feel so anxious if you picked up the school application by Friday. And if you want, I'm happy to help you fill it out over the weekend. So the SER statements in there were, I can imagine it might feel overwhelming to know where to start. So that shows the you the understanding I've been nagging you the past few days.

R taking responsibility, help me not feel so anxious is the f the feelings and pick up the application by Friday is the specific thing that I want my son to do. Now you might be saying, yeah, that sounds great, Brenda, but I would never, ever think about all of that when I get into it with my son or daughter.

And you're right, you won't, you won't just automatically start constructing your conversations and mixing these pieces in unless you practice it. 

[00:16:24] 5 ideas for starting to use SURF

So here are five ideas and tips to get started with how you can [00:16:30] incorporate surf into your conversations. One is literally practice on a friend, a partner, a spouse.

Maybe you have another child or another family member who isn't using substances, so you can get used to putting all four of these elements together in a setting that's just a lot less emotionally charged and with somebody who probably has a little bit more consistency and predictability than your child who might be using substances.

And actually it's kind of fun to do this secretly because the other person doesn't know what you're doing and they're really surprised sometimes at your approach, and they're often very surprised at how much less confrontation there is and how much more quickly things can get resolved. I. So that's number one.

Literally, practice number two is don't try this when you're tired, when you're hungry, when you're frazzled. After you've done your practicing, wait until you're in a good place and be sure that your son or daughter is also in a. Relatively good place, so don't try this. If they're under the influence of anything, I would highly recommend not trying it at two o'clock in the morning.

Just wait until the timing is right, and you might have to wait a little while. But when you do use it, you wanna be setting yourself up for the best possible scenario. Number three is start small. Just start small. Start with a low [00:18:00] emotion subject. So if you are now, you've been practicing, you aren't tired, you're not hungry, you're not frazzled, you're in a pretty good space.

Your son or daughter's in a good space, maybe you just have this conversation about getting them out to walk the dog or to put the dishes in the dishwasher. Or whatever something is that's not related to substance use, it's not related to anything like getting a job or applying for school or following up with court paperwork.

Just find a topic with as little emotion connected to it as possible, and start there. If you jump into a prickly topic, you might not get the best results, and then you might get discouraged and not wanna keep trying, and that's a very real thing. Another little tip here with this one is to start with a little bit more control and use it in a texting situation.

So a lot of times our kids don't even really talk to us very much. So if you are having a text interaction, it's actually a great way to practice this. Because you can work in all of the elements. You have a little bit of time to construct the message, and then you can also be really thoughtful about your response.

So that's a pro tip. Think about using this in text. Number four is to be genuine in what you say. Kids can sniff out when we are trying to be fake or if we're trying to manipulate them. So make sure that [00:19:30] your body language is mirroring what you're saying. If you are saying that you understand and you're taking some responsibility for this, but you're using a sarcastic tone of voice or you're being passive aggressive.

If your arms are crossed or you're scowling, or if you're being wishy-washy and kind of unsure and dismissive, it's not gonna come across right and the whole thing might just blow up in your face. But that's okay. You can start again. Number five is just know you're not gonna get it perfect and don't worry about it.

Maybe you only get in two of the four pieces and that's okay. 

It will become more natural over time and as you start doing it more, it's gonna make a lot more sense to you.

[00:20:16] Summary & Resources

Okay, so quick review of the surf acronym is S specific. U is for understanding, R for taking responsibility and F for communicating your feelings.

 Okay, my friend. If you want the transcript or the show notes and resources from this episode, just go to our website, hope Stream community.org, and click podcast. That'll take you to all things podcast related. We even have a start here playlist that we created, so if you're new here, be sure to check that out.

Also, if you're feeling anxious and confused about how to approach your child's substance use, we have got a free ebook for [00:21:00] you. It's called Worried Sick, A compassionate guide for parents of teens and young adults misusing drugs and alcohol. It'll introduce you to ways that you can build connection and relationship with your child versus distancing and letting them hit rock bottom.

It is a game changer and it's totally free. Just go to Hope Stream community.org/worried to download that. You are amazing, my friend. You are such an elite level parent. It is an honor to be here with you and please know you're not doing this alone. You've got this tribe and you will be okay sending all my love and light and I will meet you right back here next week.