Hopestream for parenting kids through drug use and addiction

Four Counterintuitive Parenting Moves If Your Child Has Substance Use and Mental Health Challenges, with Brenda Zane

• Brenda Zane • Season 6 • Episode 282

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ABOUT THE EPISODE:

In this episode from the vault, I draw from my own experiences to share four counterintuitive strategies that can transform relationships and encourage healing when you're parenting a young person struggling with substance use and mental health. 

I emphasize the importance of asking questions instead of giving commands, focusing on self-reflection rather than solely on your child, trusting a higher power, and broadening your perspective to see the bigger picture. 

I've also included recommendations for books, podcasts, and exercises to support you on this challenging journey, promising hope and community support along the way.

EPISODE RESOURCES:

This podcast is part of a nonprofit called Hopestream Community
Learn about The Stream, our private online community for moms
Find us on Instagram here
Find us on YouTube here
Download a free e-book, Worried Sick: A Compassionate Guide For Parents When Your Teen or Young Adult Child Misuses Drugs and Alcohol

Hopestream Community is a registered 501(c)3 nonprofit organization and an Amazon Associate. We may make a small commission if you purchase from our links.

[00:00:00] We could literally get jobs with the FBI for the skills that we develop at doing things like driving around town looking for them, or hacking into their social media accounts to figure out what friend is actually their dealer or trying to install tracking apps on their phones when they're asleep. Trust me, I have done it all. My guess is that you've done at least one or two of these things and just ask yourself, has it made things better? Has it changed your relationship for the better? This is where you can do the counterintuitive thing and stop focusing so much on them and look in the mirror.

Welcome to Hopestream

[00:00:42] Welcome to Hopestream, the podcast for parents of teens and young adults struggling with substance use and mental health. I'm Brenda Zane. I've walked this path with my own child's addiction and high risk lifestyle. Each week we help you gain clarity, learn new skills, and most importantly, find real hope in what might feel helpless.

[00:01:03] You are not helpless, and you're not alone anymore. Find more resources at hopestreamcommunity.org.

[00:01:10] Episode introduction

[00:01:12] Hi friend. I am so glad you popped on today to hear this episode from the Vault. Before I tell you a little bit about it, I wanna give a big, warm welcome and a virtual hug to our new listener, friends in Africa and Oceania. Specifically our friends listening in Melbourne and Sydney, Australia.

[00:01:33] Every once in a while I take a look at our download stats and I was super excited to see that you all are listening and also joining the stream. We have several new members in the community from South Africa, which is awesome. I mean, I wish you didn't need to be a member of our exclusive club, but I am so glad you found us and found some support for yourself.

[00:01:56] Just know for all of you outside of the US that are listening, we see you. We know how hard it is. We're so glad you're here, and just keep tuning in and doing the hard work. I originally recorded this episode in 2021, and I remember at the time feeling so much like I wanted to just gather up and summarize all the things that I had learned during our family struggle and package it up, put a bow on it and share it with you.

[00:02:28] What I ended up with after much introspection and distillation of thought were for things that when I stood back and looked at them. Felt very counterintuitive to what my natural instincts would say to do. I felt this was an important episode to reshare because I know the feeling of being stuck in a pattern of exhaustion, frustration, not knowing what direction to turn, feeling doubtful about your decisions, all the things that can keep us swirling in an unhelpful pattern.

[00:03:05] I also know that as things start to get better and you're seeing positive change in your child, you can still have anxiety and fear because you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. If either of those sounds like you, this will be a great episode because I'm giving you some very practical things to try and also giving you some bigger things to think about.

[00:03:30] I'll keep it at that and just let you listen in to this episode from the Vault four counterintuitive parenting moves for those with kids struggling with substance use and mental health challenges.

[00:03:42] Enjoy. 

[00:03:46] I spent some time noodling on this and really trying to boil it down to understand what were the things that helped me the most at the time when I was living the madness, and also what have I learned in the past four years since my son's near fatal overdose that I wish I had known when we were in the really bad years.

[00:04:08] I realized is that there are four fairly counterintuitive things that you can do or at least work on doing that might help you a lot in your day-to-day existence if you live with a challenged child. So we'll get into them. 

[00:04:25] Counterintuitive Thing #1

[00:04:25] The first is. Ask, don't tell. So something we tend to do as parents when our kids are going off the rails is we tell them all the things that they're doing wrong and what they should be doing.

[00:04:38] Instead, we come at the problem from the perspective of you should stop X, Y, Z because it's bad for your health, or it's getting you in a lot of trouble. You need to get your life together, be more responsible. Act your age or whatever it is. That's our perceived solution for them. And of course we probably do have a different perspective and we have more knowledge and we might have a clearer brain than them.

[00:05:06] And we also have the absolute. Best intentions in telling them these things because we love them to death, and all we want for them is to be healthy and happy and live a safe and productive life. So the counterintuitive thing to do as a parent is to ask and not tell. And I imagine you're probably thinking, well, what am I gonna ask them?

[00:05:31] I need to pound into their brain all the stuff they should be doing. So first, let's talk about why it is important to ask them questions. Think about the last time you went to the doctor or were in a situation where you needed some help. Let's just say it's the doctor for this scenario. So you show up at the doctor's office and you've got three or four things you know that have maybe been accumulating during the last year that just aren't quite feeling right inside.

[00:06:01] And you also have a big, swollen right leg, which is really painful, and your whole ankle and foot are swollen and blue. So the doctor looks at your leg and tells you what to do. Warm compresses, elevation, no exercise. On and on. She tells you a bunch of other stuff, but you can't really remember it all because you're thinking about the three or four other quirky things that aren't quite feeling right inside.

[00:06:27] But she never asks how you're feeling other than the leg, which is obviously why you're at the doctor. So you leave her office and you go on with your day, and the other underlying problems are still there because she didn't ask anything about those. And we can be like the doctor. We see the big obvious problem and focus all of our efforts on that without being curious about what else might be going on underneath.

[00:06:53] And this can be a lesson in patience and restraint for sure. But if you have a few moments with your son or daughter where they're not under the influence of any substances, and when you are in a good place mentally and physically, I. Try asking them some questions with the caveat being that you need to be genuinely curious.

[00:07:16] You can't just throw these things out and not actually listen to them. If and when they answer, which by the way, might not be the first time you ask, so you might have to do this a few times, but here are some great questions that you can ask when the timing and the environment are right, things like what's on your mind.

[00:07:37] I. What do you need most from me right now? What do you need most from the world right now? What's worrying you the most right now? What are you struggling with today? What are you looking forward to right now? What would you like to change about your life right now? Or another version of that? If life could be different in six months, what would it look like?

[00:08:02] How have you been sleeping lately? What's taking up the most space in your head right now? Now none of these questions are going to quote, unquote, solve your child's struggles, but what they can do is start to reopen genuine communication between the two of you, and it shows them that you care that you're not just there to fix their big, obvious problem.

[00:08:25] Also the first time you use one of these questions with them, they might look at you strangely, especially if the communication between you has been mostly lecturing and yelling or complete silence. But chances are they'll share stuff with you that otherwise might stay locked inside their mind and their heart.

[00:08:47] This is especially true if you're fairly consistent in it and if you truly listen without judgment or without providing a solution. So what happens if they do start talking a great response to whatever they share is, thanks for telling me that, that must be really hard or that must be really great. Or, wow, I didn't know that.

[00:09:12] I'm really glad you shared that with me. Or honestly, one of the best, best responses is, I didn't know that. Tell me more. And then shut your mouth and just let them decide if they're ready to open up more and don't provide a solution. Again, when you start this, they might not be open to talking, but if you do it, and when they do open up, you can affirm their thoughts and feelings.

[00:09:40] It'll go a really long way, and it also doesn't require you to solve anything. So that's number one, ask, don't tell. 

[00:09:51] Counterintuitive Thing #2

[00:09:51] The second counterintuitive thing that you can do is to look more at yourself. Last at them. It is really easy when we have a child with pretty big serious issues to spend all of our time and energy looking at them, trying to solve them, find them the right help befriending Google to find the right article or book or even podcast.

[00:10:17] That will finally give us the right answer. We could literally get jobs with the FBI for the skills that we develop at doing things like driving around town looking for them, or hacking into their social media accounts to figure out what friend is actually their dealer or trying to install tracking apps on their phones when they're asleep.

[00:10:38] Trust me, I have done it all. My guess is that you've done at least one or two of these things and just ask yourself, has it made things better? Has it changed your relationship with your son or daughter for the better? Have they gotten closer to you and been more connected because of your activity? This is where you can do the counterintuitive thing and stop focusing so much on them and look in the mirror.

[00:11:05] How are you to be with. What is your son or daughter seeing when they meet you in the kitchen or the driveway? Are they seeing a relatively put together, self-aware and calm parent? What I found when I started looking at me was it was way more comfortable to focus on my son than on me. It was very uncomfortable to have to look at my own sense of self, my own fears and habits and my ways of responding, and one thing I figured out was that this experience of having a child with a life-threatening illness was going to require a lot of work on my part.

[00:11:47] Not only the logistical work that goes into finding resources for them and navigating the legal system and all of those things, it was going to require me to learn a lot and then apply that learning in my life, and it was all a lot less about him and weigh a lot more about me. As you look at yourself, one of the questions to ask is, are you willing to do the hard work this requires?

[00:12:17] Are you willing to become more self-aware about your own actions, about the way you respond to your child, the ways that you might be contributing to their anxiety or their substance use? These are very hard questions to ask. But I will tell you that this experience is going to require you to grow in your own emotional and psychological maturity in ways that you probably didn't imagine.

[00:12:46] And that's actually one of the silver linings of having a child with substance use issues or emotional or behavioral issues, is that you'll become a more enlightened and empathic person. I'm gonna put some resources in the show notes for this point because it really could and should be its own episode.

[00:13:05] But a few things to get you started on this would be to listen to episode 22 of Hopestream. That's with Chrissy Pozatek. She wrote the book that everybody needs to read when you have a child who is in treatment, or if you are considering treatment for your child. It is called the Parallel Process. Can't recommend it enough.

[00:13:25] So make sure and listen to episode 22. Then also I would recommend, um, taking a look at Dr. Brad Re's Body of Work. He is the author of a book that you may have heard about called The Journey of the Heroic Parent, and also another book called The Audacity to Be You.

[00:13:42] He's got a blog and a podcast, which is all incredible at really helping you learn how to do the work that you need to do on yourself. If you have a child in this situation and actually. Even if your kids are perfect and amazing, his work is really, really good. So check out Dr. Brad Reedy and then also it would not be an episode of Hope Dream if I didn't mention Beyond Addiction and the 20 Minute Parent Guide that goes with that book.

[00:14:10] Definite, definite must reads, uh, if you are struggling right now with a child. So you can listen to episode three with Carrie Wilkins, who's co-author of that book, but also just grab the book and the 20 minute Parent guide. Uh, you can get all of those from, you know, wherever you get your books. But also if you just want the guide and don't wanna have to buy it, you can download all of the PDFs and everything is at the 20 minute guide.com so you can, you can get that.

[00:14:40] But one thing that I will challenge you to do if this topic is causing you a little bit of discomfort, which is probably a sign that it's something that you need to work on, and that is for one week, bring your phone into the bathroom with you each morning. Shut the door and set the timer for one minute.

[00:15:00] Then stand there and just look into the mirror for one minute. At yourself without doing anything else. It sounds simple, but it's incredibly difficult to do. The reason I want to encourage you to do this though is because this is what your child sees, not just for one minute each day, depending on obviously whether or not they live with you or near you, but this is the parent that you're presenting to, your son or daughter.

[00:15:30] Do you see a calm, confident, and caring mom or dad? Do you see anger and fear? Do you see empathy and compassion? Do you see defeat? I really do challenge you to do this one minute mirror exercise for seven days straight at the end of a week. Write down in a journal or your computer or your phone or wherever you feel like is a safe place, write down what you see and what you don't see and don't hold back.

[00:16:02] Don't sugarcoat it so that it doesn't look so raw when it's out there in the world. Then think about what you need to work on in yourself so that in a month when you repeat this same one minute mirror gaze, you might see some changes that move you in a positive direction. I. This, my friends, is really hard stuff.

[00:16:26] This is the kind of thing you have to be able to do though if you're going to farewell through this experience with your child and you're gonna come out the other end with such amazing self-awareness and empathy that you'll find it was totally worth it in the end, but it is hard. 

[00:16:45] Counterintuitive Thing #3

[00:16:45] The third counterintuitive thing that you can do is give it away.

[00:16:50] Don't hold it close. I feel really fortunate that I was raised in a family who has a very strong faith. I had no idea how important my faith was going to be until life hit me upside the head with the challenge of having a child with such big, scary and life-threatening challenges. My faith was always there and I think like a lot of people during your life, you have times where you feel more connected to your higher power and times when you feel more distant and separate.

[00:17:23] So when things got really bad with my son, I had what I believe was an advantage because I never felt that it was an entirely on my shoulders. I knew I wasn't alone from the standpoint that there was someone or something bigger than anything on the earth who was on my team. And regardless of whether you have a faith or a belief in a higher power, what you probably have felt at times is that there is nothing that you and your humanly body can do to change what's going on.

[00:17:55] You're doing all the things you know. You've made every decision you can imagine you've spent, every penny you had and even pennies that you don't. You've hired and consulted with every expert that exists, and your child is still doing things that put their own life at risk. This is the point at which I think it's a good idea to reconnect or start exploring what a higher power looks like to you.

[00:18:25] Again, for me, I think I had an advantage because I already had God on my team, and so all I had to do was draw near and put even more faith in that relationship. But for you, it may be something completely foreign. This idea of handing over your child's situation and saying, I need you to take this. This is bigger than anything I can handle on my own.

[00:18:49] I'm not gonna get preachy about any specific religion or denomination because that's really not my place or responsibility. But what I will say is that I cannot. Imagine how I would've survived without a strong faith that someone else was in control. Ultimately, that I was not the one responsible for creating the miracle that is sometimes required to help our kids at night.

[00:19:18] The only way I could sleep was to hand that shift over to God and know that my son was being protected while I slept. I also wanna be clear that just because you have faith in a higher power doesn't mean that things are suddenly going to get better, or that they're even going to end up in a happy place.

[00:19:38] I know too many families with incredibly strong faith and their sons and daughters have died from their substance use. So this isn't a fairytale maker kind of thing. This is a foundational element that can allow you to navigate this experience in a healthier and stronger way. So while it feels like this is the time to hold on tight and keep your child and all the struggles that go along with their issues as close as possible, I would encourage you to try the counterintuitive thing and explore handing it over to a higher power.

[00:20:19] Counterintuitive Thing #4

[00:20:20] The last thing I'll share on this concept of doing what might not sound right is to zoom out not in. You probably know the saying, I can't see the forest for the trees. It's an expression that we use when someone is too involved in the details of a problem to look at the solution as a whole, and when your kid is doing crazy things and putting themselves at risk or in dangerous situations.

[00:20:47] It's so easy to put our Zoom lens on and dial into the details because we're afraid of the consequences of what they're doing, and we want to change things and fix things quickly. I was thinking about this analogy recently. I did a photo shoot and the photographer showed up with all these different lenses and there were shots where she would run over to her bag and say, oh, I wanna use this lens because it'll give us this perspective.

[00:21:16] Or she'd go grab a different one and say she wanted to get a really wide look for the next shot. I think we also need to do this, otherwise we get a skewed view of what is going on. And this is true whether your child is actively using or if they're in treatment right now. It's also super, super important if they are coming home or if they're now living in a transitional setting, or even if they're in recovery.

[00:21:43] I. When we're constantly zoomed in and don't take time to back up and put on the wide angle lens, a couple of things can happen. One is that we tend to see the same thing over and over, and we miss the nuances of change. We can also miss opportunities for ourselves and for our kids that are just outside the peripheral of the lens that we're looking through.

[00:22:11] And we also might be circling around the wrong issue because it's the only one that we can see in our zoomed in perspective. I really wanna emphasize how important this is because I know how easy it is to stay zoomed in. And if you're a perfectionist type or a type A person, and I know many of you and I know that you are, your focus is probably pretty tight because you're applying so much critical thinking and so much effort to change the situation.

[00:22:45] So you might be saying, okay, great, Brenda. I would love to hop on a plane and go away and get away from this and get perspective, but that is not even a remote possibility right now. I can't leave my son or daughter at home because who knows what might happen if I did so. Here are some just simple but great ways to get perspective to widen your lens without moving to Bali or anything fun and crazy like that.

[00:23:14] The first is get yourself a therapist and one who is experienced with families who have kids with the same issues that yours does. A therapist who works in that field will have thousands, literally thousands of hours of perspective on your situation, and they also have resources that you might not know about.

[00:23:38] You can also take a timeout from being the parent of a kid with a life-threatening illness. Temporarily. So for a few hours, get yourself into a place or a setting where you can just be you. You're not a mom, you're not a dad, you are just the original you. Do something that you used to do prior to all of this craziness hitting your life.

[00:24:02] This is just an hour or two. It is not days or weeks, but block it into your calendar. Literally book it with yourself and don't let anything move it. The only rule that you can apply here is that you are not allowed to read a book or listen to a podcast or talk with a friend about your child's situation.

[00:24:24] Those are off limits. So this time that you're listening to my podcast does not count for your timeout. Another thing that's great to do is to listen to a podcast or read a book, or watch a show about a topic that you didn't even know existed. Sometimes we need to intentionally place our brains in a new setting to override the patterns that have been created by our narrow lens focus.

[00:24:53] I recently listened to a podcast about the origins of Italian comic strips. I know, totally random. And who knew? I mean, I guess I knew that there were comics in Italian, but I didn't know where they came from or anything about the history of them. So it's just good to stretch the brain and let it run wild on something that is not at all related to your kids' challenges.

[00:25:20] [00:25:20] About The Stream Community

[00:25:21] Hey, I wanna pause for just a sec to talk about something that has been life changing for so many women who started right where you might be by listening to the show. If you're feeling the isolation, the exhaustion, like nobody gets what you're going through, there is a place designed specifically for you.

[00:25:38] The stream is our private community for moms and female caregivers for parenting teens and young adults through substance use and mental health struggles. And when I say private, I mean completely confidential. It is not connected to Facebook or any other platform, or your business could become everyone's business.

[00:25:58] What members love about this stream is that you can be as visible or as anonymous as you want. Some moms jump right into conversations and calls. Others like to read and learn quietly in the background. Both are perfect. It's not social media. It's genuine community focused on learning growth and breaking through the isolation that might be keeping you from moving forward.

[00:26:20] Right now. Whether your child is in active use in treatment or early recovery, you'll find practical strategies and tools that actually help motivate healthier choices because we know you wanna see positive change in your family. Check it out@hopestreamcommunity.org. We would love to welcome you into this village of support and understanding.

[00:26:43] Okay, back to the show.

[00:26:44] Counterintuitive Thing #4, continued

[00:26:48] The next thing that I really highly recommend if you are trying to widen your lens is to do something creative. This kind of goes along with the previous point of taking a timeout, but it is specifically the act of lighting up the right side of your brain, and this is the side of your brain that's responsible for feelings, visualization, imagination, intuition.

[00:27:14] Rhythm, holistic thinking, daydreaming. In essence, it's your artistic side. And by the way, when is the last time you just sat and daydreamed, right? I. This side is important to stimulate because my guess is you're spending a lot of time in the left hemisphere of your brain right now making phone calls to treatment programs, or thinking about whether your child even needs a treatment program, creating spreadsheets of your finances to see what you can afford sitting on hold with your insurance company, trying to figure out what is in and out of network, all the things.

[00:27:54] Your analytical, linear, logical, kind of factual side is on overdrive and letting that take a back seat for a bit of time each day is super important. And if you're normally left brain dominant, this is even more important for you. If you're not sure where to start, start with something small like an adult coloring book, or just find some great music that lit you up at one point in life and get in the car and just drive and blast it.

[00:28:24] You don't have to even have anywhere specific to go. Just start driving around. You could also volunteer for something or do something kind for someone else. This can help just broaden your perspective when it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. And this in itself kind of feels counterintuitive doing something for others when you're at a really low place yourself.

[00:28:46] But trust me, on this one, it is life changing. And even if you just go hand out food at a food bank for an hour or two, you will leave with a completely different perspective on life and feeling better than when you walked in the door. You might also just try to get yourself into a new physical space.

[00:29:05] You know, get out on the water or on the side of a mountain, or just go to a park that you've never been to before. Try to experience something that you've never done and be fully present while you're there. So turn off your phone, pick up your head, truly soak it in, and this could just be for 30 minutes.

[00:29:26] It doesn't have to take a long time or be far from home. It just needs to be new and different. And all of these things will help with widening the lens on the solutions that you might not be seeing while you're zoomed in so tight into problem solving mode. They will also as a side benefit, just help your sympathetic nervous system and start to move you out of that fight or flight mode so that you can think more clearly.

[00:29:54] So quick review of the four counterintuitive things you can do. One, ask don't tell. Two, look more at yourself and less at your son or daughter. Three, let go versus hold on. Four, zoom out, not in. So trust me, I know these things can feel strange to think about doing. And if that's the case, that's fine. Just pick one to start with.

[00:30:24] There's no rule that says you have to do all the things all of the time. So start with what feels right to you. And there's usually something that kind of gnaws at your insides that will tell you where to start. You probably know. 

[00:30:39] Recap and Resources

[00:30:40] Okay, my friend. If you want the transcript or the show notes and resources from this episode, just go to our website, hopestream community.org, and click podcast. That'll take you to all things podcast related. We even have a start here playlist that we created, so if you're new here, be sure to check that out.

[00:30:59] Also, if you're feeling anxious and confused about how to approach your child's substance use, we have got a free ebook for you. It's called Worried Sick, A compassionate guide for parents of teens and young adults misusing drugs and alcohol. It'll introduce you to ways that you can build connection and relationship with your child versus distancing and letting them hit rock bottom.

[00:31:24] It is a game changer and it's totally free. Just go to Hopestreamcommunity.org/worried to download that. You are amazing, my friend. You are such an elite level parent. It is an honor to be here with you and please know you're not doing this alone. You've got this tribe and you will be okay sending all my love and light and I will meet you right back here next week.

[00:31:55] 

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Brenda Zane

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