Parenting Through the Messy and Bitter Times: Wisdom and Joy in the Face of A Child's Addiction, with Brenda Zane

EPISODE DESCRIPTION:

It's summer and we're diving deep into the Hopestream episode vault to bring you some listener faves and a few that just work when you need connection and understanding. Today, you'll hear about The Secret Menu, originally aired in August of 2023 - with the addition of a new story and insights.

Sometimes you can gain a different understanding of things by looking at them through a new lens. This bite-size episode does that for you as the parent of a young person who struggles with substances and mental health - in the form of a short story.

You'll hear about a restaurant owner and her strange, secret menu. And for those who eat from it, it can provide benefits and gifts not available anywhere else.

It's one you may want to single-task for to absorb the full meaning. Created with love and compassion by me, just for you. 

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Transcript

Introduction

 [00:00:00] you might be juggling the unstructured days of summer with a teen who really needs structure and to be kept busy. Or you may be finally able to exhale because your kiddo's in a pretty good spot right now and both are places.

Where things can still feel messy and stinky. Just because your young person is doing better doesn't mean that your life instantly becomes rainbows and unicorns. There's often a lot of emotional debris that needs to be cleaned up. 

Welcome to Hope Stream, the podcast for parents of teens and young adults struggling with substance use and mental health. I'm Brenda Zane. I've walked this path with my own child's addiction and high risk lifestyle. Each week we help you gain clarity, learn new skills, and most importantly, find real hope in what might feel helpless.

You are not helpless, and you're not alone anymore. Find more resources at hopestreamcommunity.org. 

Hey, friend. I'm so glad you're here taking the time today to give yourself a little bit of mental nourishment, spend a few moments disconnected from whatever might be swirling around you and tapping into your tribe. I also hope you've taken a few deep breaths today.

Oh, had some water and something healthy for your body. Trust me, [00:01:30] I know how difficult that can be. Some days it is 1230 and I am currently running on two cups of coffee and a rice cake with peanut butter, so I could definitely do better If you're listening in real time.

It is the month of July. And throughout this month and August, I am going to be taking some of my own medicine. I'm gonna spend more time resting, revitalizing myself, and shoring up my reserves for what is always a very busy fall. So I've done a deep dive into the Hope Stream podcast vault, and I'm bringing back some listener faves and some that I think are always relevant and helpful no matter what leg of the rollercoaster ride you're on.

And before I share today's flash from the past, I wanna tell you a little story. 

[00:02:21] A short story

This morning I was out walking with our dog and when we got to his favorite field where I sometimes let him run and chase birds. There were two garbage trucks parked in the lot because it's garbage day to day. What I noticed was standing outside of the trucks, there were two youngish guys with bright orange vests on who were clearly the drivers of these garbage trucks, and they were both wiping down and polishing their truck doors.

Both of them were covered in tattoos, head to toe, and one had long hair that you could tell he was attempting to grow into [00:03:00] dreadlocks. If I didn't have the experience I did and know so many kids who have similar looks, I might have been a little weary. But I just watched the scene with these two guys who spend all day picking up trash and recycling and dealing with all the stuff that we throw out.

And as I watched, I thought that this simple act of keeping their garbage trucks clean was such a sign of pride and respect. They were joking around with each other, laughing and talking, and then exactly, exactly. At seven o'clock, they gave each other a bro like fist bump, and they both hopped into their trucks and started the engines and drove out of the parking lot.

 You might be wondering why in the world I am telling you this. I'm sharing this because it occurred to me that even if everything around you is messy and smelly and not that pleasant to look at or experience, there are still small ways to bring light and respect into the picture.

I mean, the reality is these guys are immersed in trash all day long. They have a job that probably 99% of people would not want, and yet they found a way to create a little bit of community by meeting up super early in the parking lot. They clearly have pride in their job, given that they were cleaning their garbage trucks, and they certainly didn't have to do any of that.[00:04:30] 

I know from observing what's going on in the stream community right now, our private community for moms that you might be juggling the unstructured days of summer with a teen who really needs structure and to be kept busy. Or you may be finally able to exhale because your kiddo's in a pretty good spot right now and both are places.

Where things can still feel messy and stinky. Just because your young person is doing better doesn't mean that your life instantly becomes rainbows and unicorns. There's often a lot of emotional debris that needs to be cleaned up. So if it all feels like too much, remember my garbage truck friends and see what small thing you might be able to do to bring beauty and peace into the picture today.

okay, so for this week's episode from the Vault, I am sharing resharing the secret menu, a short but hopefully impactful story. I guess I'm on a roll with stories today that I hope will illustrate just how special you are and just how special your family is. I say it often and I truly mean it.

You are such an extraordinary and elite level parent doing the things you do, navigating the twists and turns that you navigate and doing it with such grace and persistence. Most of the time, I [00:06:00] wrote this two years ago with the idea that as a member of the very exclusive and special club that you're in, it's important to know you.

Are in the right place and you will gain certain benefits that other parents miss out on. Take a listen.

[00:06:21] The Secret Menu

There once was a restaurant owner. Who saw lots of regular customers come through the doors and eat off her menu over the years. 

 Every once in a while, a customer would notice a somewhat hidden area of the menu they hadn't seen before. And ask the owner about it. What's this part of the menu? I didn't know it was there. Some of the customers were young. Even as young as teenagers and some were older. Those who inquired about the secret menu? Looked both rich and poor came from the country and city had all levels of education and were from vast ethnic backgrounds. So the restaurant owner could never guess who would approach her about it. Upon their asking the restaurant owner would reply, "Oh, that's a very special menu. One that only a small number of my customers will ever eat from. It's filled with many items that are unfamiliar or appealing to most difficult to understand. And honestly, some don't taste very good."

 Often the curious customer would exclaim, "Well, why would you offer this menu? If the items on it don't even taste good? [00:07:30] I also noticed they cost more than your standard menu. This seems like a bad business decision."

 "Ah," the restaurant owner would reply, "What you don't know about this menu is that those who eat from it. Over time become very wise. They know more about themselves than most. They become compassionate to those who are suffering. 

They build resilience to persevere through the worst of times. They are grateful for each day and kind beyond measure. Very often. They go on to make life better for others who also eat from this menu."

Hearing this, the customer would often frown, shake their head and harden their stance. They would look at the owner as if she was crazy. They prefer to eat from the menu that most people ate from one that contained familiar comfort food. Dishes that were easier to pronounce and didn't challenge them too much. Sometimes even though the restaurant owner could tell her customer was hesitant. And really didn't want to experience this strange, uncomfortable and often bitter-tasting menu. They would step forward and opt into it. Sometimes this broke her heart. Often it made her very proud. 

 That's when she knew this person. The one who might've stuck with the standard option belong to her most exclusive customer group. 

She knew there would be parts of the menu that would acutely challenge her customer. So she would [00:09:00] bring them extra water and even built a tent for them in a beautiful field behind the main restaurant. Only those who ate from the hidden menu or allowed in the tent. Sometimes they would gather and compare notes on the bitter menu items or learn techniques to modify the food. So it was less rancid or unpleasant. They came up with ways to avoid the most unsavory dishes. . And there was great celebration when the young and old would unexpectedly unearth sweet wild honey. 

Much to their surprise. This brave tribes soon came to realize that even though they were eating from the less desirable portion of the menu, They were still able to enjoy the bounty and goodness of the regular menu as well. And the more they sought out and relished the good, the bitter items from their menu. Weren't as unpleasant as they first tasted. From the refuge of their beautiful tent. These exclusive diners could see the others eating in the restaurant from the main menu. While, the tent customers knew the others were getting simple food without as much complication or distress. They held onto the promise of the restaurant owner that their menu would in time deliver something the others might never receive. 

 Enormous understanding and patients. Freedom from negative and unhealthy patterns. An abundance of empathy and compassion. Unshakable endurance and [00:10:30] resilience. An unmatched ability to love without condition . And the purest most fervent faith and trust. 

Eventually they came to realize they were the lucky ones. Not those eating from the standard limited menu. And so as the years passed and the restaurant owner observed her customers, she knew that even though it was a less popular section of her menu, Often getting bad reviews. She had to keep it. 

 She knew that there would always be those who were uniquely tragically called to it. 

Those who would eat from it and experienced the full array of available items. Who was she to Rob these customers of the secret non-Jew. One shunned and disregarded by the majority of her customers. For issue removed it. She thought, how will these magically beautiful souls be made? The ones who care more love harder. Fight stronger and ultimately change themselves and change the world.

[00:11:30] Wrap up and resources

 I hope my little story spoke to you in some way. And my hope for you is that you'll embrace the menu you're being served from. Find a beautiful tent where you'll meet others who are being shaped and formed into magical people. Just like you. One of those places is Hopestream, community, and we love to have you there. So we can give you some extra water. And walk through this experience with you. If you want the transcript or the [00:12:00] show notes and resources from this episode, just go to our website, hope Stream community.org, and click podcast. That'll take you to all things podcast related. We even have a start here playlist that we created, so if you're new here, be sure to check that out.

Also, if you're feeling anxious and confused about how to approach your child's substance use, we have got a free ebook for you. It's called Worried Sick, A compassionate guide for parents of teens and young adults misusing drugs and alcohol. It'll introduce you to ways that you can build connection and relationship with your child versus distancing and letting them hit rock bottom.

It is a game changer and it's totally free. Just go to Hope Stream community.org/worried to download that. You are amazing, my friend. You are such an elite level parent. It is an honor to be here with you and please know you're not doing this alone. You've got this tribe and you will be okay sending all my love and light and I will meet you right back here next week.