Hopestream for parenting kids through drug use and addiction

A Critical Difference: Acceptance vs. Accepting When Your Teen or Young Adult Child Struggles with Addiction

• Brenda Zane • Season 6 • Episode 276

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ABOUT THE EPISODE:

At times it can be confusing for parents of teens and young adults who are misusing substances to tease apart the concept of acceptance vs. the act of accepting. In this solo episode, I help distinguish the two and give examples of why it’s so important to both accept this part of your life while at the same time keep yourself safe, healthy and sane through being clear on what you will and will not be accepting of. 

I dive into the complex paradox of balancing love and acceptance with limits and loving our kids unconditionally while setting necessary boundaries. You’ll hear a Buddhist parable that may help you reframe some of your suffering, and I share a personal story of a time when I finally got the balance right on acceptance vs. accepting.

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Getting to a place where you can accept that the connection with your child. Matters more than being right is so important. We can defend ourselves, we can point out all the things that they're doing, all the things that are illogical and dangerous, and that just creates a giant fissure between us.

we do that at the expense of the relationship. So at the end of the day, who wins In that scenario, no one.

[00:00:30] Intro & Welcome

Welcome to Hopestream, the podcast for parents of teens and young adults struggling with substance use and mental health. I'm Brenda Zane, I've walked this path with my own child's addiction and high risk lifestyle. Each week we help you gain clarity, learn new skills, and most importantly, find real hope in what might feel helpless. You are not helpless, and you're not alone anymore. Find more resources at hopestreamcommunity.org.

Hey friend, I am so glad you're here today. It is just going to be us. This was supposed to be a Cathy and Brenda show, but Cathy needed to take her mom to the doctor unexpectedly. So you're stuck with me today, and I mentioned that because you might be in what we have started to call the panini generation.

Also known as the sandwich generation where you're taking care of kids and [00:01:30] parents. But a sandwich sounds kind of nice and soft and delicious. Where a panini is hot and squished and stuff is oozing out. All the sides still delicious. Like you love your kids and you love your parents, of course, but man, it can get hot and messy too.

So if that's, you just know we get it. We totally get it.

[00:01:54] A personal story

 I wanna share a short story that will help set up what we're gonna talk about today. In 2015, we were moving out of the house that my kids had grown up in for most of their lives, and things were at an all time low with my son. He had been to wilderness therapy and then to a short stay in residential treatment because after three months he ran away.

He was home with me and not going to school and getting into all kinds of trouble that I probably do not need to describe because, you know, I was a complete wreck working full-time, prepping the house for sale, dealing with all of the drama of my son's issues, and of course trying to be present for everyone else.

You know what it feels like? So the final week came when we were packing everything, the pods were in the driveway, and I had told my boys that I needed them for most of the day to help pack. I'd let them know in advance, so it wasn't a [00:03:00] surprise. And my dad came to help out too.

And by this point, I knew what I was dealing with with a kid who had some serious issues. Substance use being one, but we were also dealing with a lot of anger and a very risky lifestyle. I was not in denial. I was not burying my head in the sand. I was not wishing it all away. Well, I guess I was wishing that it would get resolved, but I wasn't in fantasy land that this was gonna resolve itself anytime soon.

The first hour that we were packing and loading up the pod went okay. It was my two oldest boys, my dad and me, but pretty soon my oldest, the one who got me started in all of this. he started in with all of the attitude, how he should be getting paid for this, how this wasn't fair that he had to move stuff that wasn't his laming stuff around.

Standing and looking at his phone instead of helping out. At one point he even just flopped down on the couch and did nothing, and he was just flat out rude and mean to me, to his brother and to his grandpa. so for another hour or so, I tapped, danced, you know, the danced, trying to keep the mood light, telling him how much I appreciated his help, trying to keep the peace.

Totally exhausting as if packing up a house to move isn't already enough. At some point there was more drama, more complaining, more [00:04:30] pushback, and finally I gathered myself, I turned to my son and I said, this is not acceptable. I will not take this attitude from you.

I need your help. This is your home and your family, and you don't get to do this to us. If you can't interact like an adult, basically a kind or even neutral human being, I am asking you to leave. I didn't scream. I didn't cry. I said straight up what needed to be said, and then I turned around and kept packing.

He stopped for a minute, really surprised at my response. That was not my usual response, and then he stormed out of the house. I had a feeling that's what he was gonna do. Again, I'd accepted where we were in the journey. I didn't have this fantasy that he was just gonna happily jump in and start packing, but I knew that I could not allow that behavior anymore.

[00:05:26] The acceptance paradox

this is the paradox that we hit head on with our kids, where we love them fully and we can't allow certain things to happen. We have to simultaneously accept and not accept. And that gets tricky, which is why we're talking about it today. So there's a fundamental distinction that I wanna make between acceptance the things that we must do.

Things like accepting the reality of substance use and addiction, accepting [00:06:00] that we don't have control over someone's choices, accepting our own limitations in humanity. And accepting uncertainty about the outcomes versus being accepting. These are things that we don't have to do. Accepting disrespectful behavior, accepting manipulation or abuse, accepting, crossed boundaries, accepting chaos.

In our homes, there's a quote that I love from Pima children. I don't know if I'm saying that right. She says, you are the sky. Everything else is just the weather. You are the sky. Everything else is just the weather. So we can lean into the concept of radical acceptance of what is, and also maintain clear intention about what we will and won't allow.

Tara Brock is one of my favorite people. She talks about radical acceptance a lot. She even has a book called Radical Acceptance, which I'll link to in the show notes, but she talks about it as the willingness to experience ourselves and our lives as it is. I love her RAIN technique for difficult moments.

When you really need to practice acceptance, it goes like this. The R is for recognize what's happening. Just recognize what's happening. Notice it. The A is for allow the experience to be there. [00:07:30] Just allow it. The I is for investigate with kindness. Don't beat yourself up. Don't attach a lot of bad stories to it.

Just investigate with kindness. And then the N in RAIN is non-attachment and letting go. Tara has amazing meditations and videos on her website. Tara brock.com. I'll put a link in the show notes as well. If you are not familiar with her work and you're really working on acceptance, highly, highly recommend it.

[00:08:02] Acceptance and CRAFT/ITC

Craft and ITC also embody this principle of acceptance versus accepting in craft. We talk about accepting the person, not the behavior. So we work on reinforcing positive behaviors, right? We talk a lot about reinforcing the positives that we see while not enabling or reinforcing the negative ones. For example, I accept that you're struggling right now and I won't give you cash. So that's, you're accepting what's, what's real and what is, And you're not accepting or helping something that you know is going to potentially further their use. Acceptance also comes through our communication strategies. So when we use I statements, I feel this, that helps us accept reality while also maintaining boundaries. I understand you're in pain and I won't be spoken to that way, [00:09:00] even allowing natural consequences is part of acceptance. Can you accept that consequences teach lessons far better than your rescue attempts? 

[00:09:10] Natural consequences example

When my son stopped going to school regularly? I was not accepting of that. I was bribing, manipulating, you name it, trying to get that kid to go to school.

And at one point I finally did move to a place of acceptance. He is just not going to go to school. And so the natural consequences of that is that he entered the truancy system and. A whole, it's a whole nother episode that we'll do at some point, but it did allow those natural consequences to take place once I finally got to a place of acceptance.

And of course, one of my favorite topics, self-care and self preservation is a huge part of acceptance. You can't control their choices or their path. To recovery or if they're actually in recovery. You can't control their recovery, but you can control your wellbeing, your thoughts, your reactions, your decisions.

 Hey, friend, can I tell you something? If you're a mom navigating the heartbreaking, confusing journey of loving a child who struggles with substance misuse and mental health, I see you. I really do. When my [00:10:30] family was in the deepest, darkest place, I felt completely alone. I was terrified, exhausted, and had no roadmap.

That's exactly why we created Hope Stream, the community and support I wish we had had years ago. The Stream membership isn't just another program that will tell you to let go or use tough love. It's a lifeline, a place where you'll find real women who truly understand, who won't judge you and who will walk beside you with compassion.

We've curated resources built in airtight private community, not on Facebook, and created a space where you can breathe, learn, and start healing. Not just for your child, but for yourself because you matter. Your journey matters. If you're ready to feel supported, understood, and empowered, join us in the stream.

We can't wait to welcome you. Visit Hope Stream community.org to learn more and join us today.

[00:11:35] Three CRAFT-based pillars

 There are three craft-based, I guess I'm calling them pillars. I'm not exactly sure what to call them, but there's these three pillars that I wanna talk about through an acceptance lens. 

[00:11:48] Pillar One: Invitation vs. Demand

One of those is invitation versus demand. We have to accept that change is going to come from within them.

It has to be an intrinsic [00:12:00] motivation, which we can certainly influence, but we can't provide it for them. The best example I can give of this is the story of Dina Cannizzaro's son. Dina is our head of education at Hopestream, and she tells their story on episode 1 3 8.

Please rewind and listen to it. She said to her son, over and over while he was homeless and using IV heroin, she would say Treatment is available to you. When you're ready, let me know when you're ready versus. You have to go to treatment. I'm bringing you to treatment. You know, all of those things. So of course that was excruciating for her.

Can you imagine her son is homeless using IV heroin, but she gave him space for his autonomy while not accepting in her home the harmful behavior in situations that came with his addiction. It's an incredible episode number 1 38. Please rewind and listen to that. 

[00:13:02] Pillar Two: Timing and Motivation

The next pillar is timing and motivation.

As parents, we have to accept our kids' readiness timeline. As for frustrating as it is, we have to accept their readiness timeline while not accepting the indefinite chaos that can come with that. The tolerance level for that chaos and that timeframe is gonna be different for everyone. What you can tolerate and live [00:13:30] within your home might be very different than what I would in CRAFT.

We look for windows of opportunity to invite the other person to accept help. So if you're separating yourself from the craziness, accepting that what is is. Then you're able to recognize and respond to moments of motivation instead of being completely caught up in that chaos. 

[00:13:56] Pillar Three: Relationship Preservation 

And then the third pillar is relationship preservation.

This is so important. This is one of the most important aspects of CRAFT that I don't know if it gets talked about enough. And it is not always easy for sure, but getting to a place where you can accept that the connection with your child. Matters more than being right is so important. We can defend ourselves, we can point out all the things that they're doing, all the things that are illogical and dangerous, and that just creates a giant fissure between us.

we do that at the expense of the relationship. So at the end of the day, who wins In that scenario, no one. We can also preserve our relationships through boundary setting. Here I go on boundaries. Again, boundaries are an act of love, not an act of rejection or punishment or control. We have got great episodes on boundaries.

You can use the search feature on our website to find them. I also [00:15:00] recommend Nancy Landrum's book called Pungent Boundaries. I'll add a link in the show notes to that. Boundaries are for you. They are a gift that you give yourself and others decide if they wanna honor them or not.

[00:15:14] A Buddhist Parable: The Second Arrow

There's a Buddhist parable that I think perfectly applies here. It goes like this. Anytime we suffer misfortune two arrows fly our way, being struck by an arrow is painful. Being struck by a second arrow is even more painful in life. We can't always control the first arrow, however, the second arrow is our reaction to the first.

The second arrow is optional. The way I look at this is your child's substance use and mental health challenges are the first arrow you didn't cause it. You can't control it, but you can accept it. The second arrow, the optional one, is what you are accepting of as a result of their challenges. Personally, I used to hit myself with that second arrow all the time, whether that was beating myself up for whatever mistake I thought I had made with raising my son to accepting unacceptable behavior or feeling really sorry for myself that I was having to deal with this issue.

All of those were optional second arrows, and I'm happy to report that I have retired [00:16:30] from accepting those. 

[00:16:32] Practical Examples

So getting practical, you know, I love to get practical. What are some real world applications where you can accept and not be accepting since it is currently? if you're listening in real time, June.

The lovely month of June, which means a lot of young people are graduating, celebrating, and moving on to new and great parts of their life. So let's talk about the graduation dilemma. You can accept that your child's substance user addiction might affect family milestones and not be accepting that the whole family should miss out on events and activities and celebrations due to one person's choices.

then there are the holiday boundaries. You can accept that holidays might look different right now and not be accepting that everyone should have to walk on eggshells or be expected to alter their routines or traditions for one person and maybe the hardest one of all the treatment refusal.

You may have to accept your child's right to refuse help and not be accepting that you have to continue funding their lifestyle. 

[00:17:51] Acceptance Intentions and Mantras

I have some really simple intentions and mantras that you can use if getting this balance right is difficult for you, and trust me, it [00:18:00] is difficult.

So some morning intention setting, which is really powerful. Such a great way to start your day before you even pick up your phone, before you jump into the world and get caught up in everything that's going on. You could just say to yourself today, I accept what I cannot control, and I will respond with love and boundaries to what I can influence.

I also love the Serenity Prayer so powerful. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Then there's some evening reflection questions. At the end of the day, ask yourself, where did I practice healthy acceptance today, and where was I accepting of something that I shouldn't have been?

There's also a couple of mantras that you can use in crisis moments. You can say, I love you and I'm going to protect myself. You could say, this is not mine to fix, but it is mine to respond to skillfully, or, I accept this moment exactly as it is, and I'll choose my next action with wisdom.

In the end, my friend. This is not about becoming cold or uncaring. It is about loving them so deeply that you refuse to do anything that would prolong the damage they're causing themself. 

And [00:19:30] there's a very important recognition that acceptance becomes the foundation for skillful action, not passive resignation. Acceptance becomes the foundation for skillful action, not passive resignation. You might find that when you can get acceptance and accepting in balance, it'll bring you a new level of peace and likely better outcomes.

 

[00:20:01] Summary & Wrap Up

Okay. Quick summary. Here are some key takeaways. I know it's a lot. You can accept the reality of your child's substance use and not the behavior that comes with it. Acceptance is the foundation for change, not resignation. Remember, Tara Brock reminds us the boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom.

Radical acceptance actually expands your ability to respond skillfully, craft and ITC show us how to love without inadvertently making it easier for our child to continue in their unhealthy pattern. Boundaries are acts of love, not rejection. It's helpful to practice mindful responding instead of reactive rescuing.

Think about Viktor Frankl's famous quote Between stimulus and response, there is a space in that. Space is our power to choose our response. Use that space to [00:21:00] choose actions based on wisdom rather than fear or guilt. Finally, of course, know that you can hold both acceptance and hope simultaneously.

Accepting what's real today, what is today does not mean that you are giving up on possibilities for tomorrow.

[00:21:21] Resources

Okay, my friend. If you want the transcript or the show notes and resources from this episode, just go to our website, hope Stream community.org, and click podcast. That'll take you to all things podcast related. We even have a start here playlist that we created, so if you're new here, be sure to check that out.

Also, if you're feeling anxious and confused about how to approach your child's substance use, we have got a free ebook for you. It's called Worried Sick, A Compassionate Guide for Parents of Teens and Young Adults Misusing Drugs and Alcohol. It'll introduce you to ways that you can build connection and relationship with your child versus distancing and letting them hit rock bottom.

It is a game changer and it's totally free. Just go to Hope Stream community.org/worried to download that. You are amazing my friend. You are such an elite level parent. It is an honor to be here with you and please know you're not doing this alone. You've got this tribe and you will be okay sending all my [00:22:30] love and light and I will meet you right back here next week.

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Brenda Zane

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