What I Wish Someone Had Told Me: A Heart-to-Heart for Parents in the Trenches of a Child’s Substance Misuse, with Brenda Zane

EPISODE DESCRIPTION:

In this intimate episode, I open up about the hard-earned wisdom I've gathered since 2013 when my son's high-risk lifestyle and substance use changed the trajectory of our family forever. I share the words I desperately needed to hear during those nights when I stared at the ceiling, shame keeping me silent and isolation feeling safer than participation. These are the gentle truths that eventually found their way to me through pain, heartbreak, celebrations, and an enormous amount of trial and error.

If you're feeling broken, scared, or wondering if you've somehow failed as a parent, this episode is my heartfelt message to you: You are not alone. From questioning every parenting decision to finding resilience when you feel most broken, I hope these reflections offer you a sense of connection and the reassurance that healing begins when we realize we never had to face this journey alone. 

Remember to be gentle with yourself today, strong, SEAL-team parent. You're doing everything you know how, and it's enough.

This podcast is part of a nonprofit called Hopestream Community
Learn about The Stream, our private online community for moms
Find us on Instagram here
Find us on YouTube here
Download a free e-book, Worried Sick: A Compassionate Guide For Parents When Your Teen or Young Adult Child Misuses Drugs and Alcohol

Hopestream Community is a registered 501(c)3 nonprofit organization and an Amazon Associate. We may make a small commission if you purchase from our links.

Chapters

• 0:00 Intro clip
• 0:33 Introduction to Hopestream
• 1:23 Checking in - how are you doing?
• 2:45 Where this episode came from
• 6:06 About The Stream Community for moms
• 7:29 The things I wish someone had told me
• 13:55 Wrap up and resources

Transcript

Because I love you and care about you, I created this for you.

The one who might be staring at the ceiling right now, wondering if you are the only one feeling this broken, this scared, this lost. You are not. These are words I needed to hear when shame kept me silent, when isolation felt safer than participating in the world, and when I believed I had somehow failed as a mother.​

[00:00:33] Introduction to Hopestream

Welcome to Hopestream, the podcast and community created specifically for parents of teens and young adults who are misusing substances and struggling with mental health. I'm Brenda Zane, and I have been in your shoes with a child who was addicted to a high-risk lifestyle and all the bad things that came with it. Listen every week to gain clarity and understanding. Learn new skills and best of all experience, real hope for what might feel like a helpless situation. We want you to not just survive this experience, but potentially find unexpected growth and meaning through it. You are not doing this alone anymore, and we're so glad you're here.

After the episode, hop over to Hopestreamcommunity.org for more resources. 

[00:01:23] Checking in - how are you doing?

Hi friend. It is just us today, so that means I get to spend a minute or two checking in with [00:01:30] you. If you're new to the podcast, you'll find that I like to ask what might seem like silly or unnecessary questions like. Have you had some water today? Have you paused to take three deep breaths and intentionally think of a few things you're grateful for?

Have you eaten real food recently? I check in like this sometimes because it is not uncommon for you to realize that you have done none of these things, and that is not surprising given all your juggling. So it's my loving reminder to care for the mothership or the fathership because it is such an important part of you maintaining much needed stamina and building your resilience for the rollercoaster ride you are on.

So breathe and hold your head high because you're here, you're putting in the work, you're changing yourself, which of course is the only thing you are capable of changing. I've said this before, but in my wildest thoughts, I never imagined I'd be hosting a podcast and a community about loving a child through addiction.

[00:02:45] Where this episode came from

I rewind to 2012 ish, I was, you know, living my life, working a lot. Being a mom with dreams and plans for my future and my kids' futures, not [00:03:00] one shred of consciousness would have told me that I would soon watch my oldest son disappear into a high risk lifestyle that threatened to swallow him and me whole.

This episode came to me when I was thinking about all the little patches of emotional scar tissue that have formed on my heart and my mind since boarding the rollercoaster in 2013. I'm so, so grateful for everything I've learned along the way, and who knows if I would've listened to or been able to absorb any bits of wisdom had they come to me earlier.

I took some time to write out the things that I wish someone had told me or that I wish somehow I would've known as I headed into the hardest years of my life, at least of my life so far, and I want to be clear about something I have, and you may have the most incredible and loving people in your life.

I have the most incredible and loving family. My parents in particular, who have passed down much wisdom and love and provided a rock solid foundation for me to build my life on. They shared, but didn't force a spiritual belief system that I adopted and leaned heavily onto when my son was struggling and all through my life.

And I have brilliant, wise, compassionate, and loving [00:04:30] friends, and a husband, all of whom did their absolute best to hold me up and give me hope during those darkest days. And yet, and yet. I had to come to many of these concepts and conclusions the hard way by earning the wisdom myself. So because I love you and care about you, I created this for you.

The one who might be staring at the ceiling right now, wondering if you are the only one feeling this broken, this scared, this lost. You are not. These are words I needed to hear when shame kept me silent, when isolation felt safer than participating in the world, and when I believed I had somehow failed as a mother.

They're the gentle truths that eventually found their way to me through pain, heartbreak, celebrations, and through an enormous amount of trial and error. They're the truths I've borrowed and tried on and felt at home with. Heart medicine, I now would not trade for anything. My hope is that as you listen, you'll feel a little less alone, a little more tethered and stronger to face All you'll face in the coming hours, days, and weeks.

Because while having a child who struggles with mental health and substance misuse can create the cruelest kind of loneliness, I believe healing [00:06:00] begins when you realize you've never needed to face it alone and you don't have to face it alone.

[00:06:06] About The Stream Community

hey, friend, can I tell you something? If you're a mom navigating the heartbreaking, confusing journey of loving a child who struggles with substance misuse and mental health, I see you. I really do. When my family was in the deepest, darkest place, I felt completely alone. I was terrified, exhausted, and had no roadmap.

That's exactly why we created Hope Stream, the community and support I wish we had had years ago. The Stream membership isn't just another program that will tell you to let go or use tough love. It's a lifeline, a place where you'll find real women who truly understand, who won't judge you and who will walk beside you with compassion.

We've curated resources built in airtight private community, not on Facebook, and created a space where you can breathe, learn, and start healing. Not just for your child, but for yourself because you matter. Your journey matters. If you're ready to feel supported, understood, and empowered, join us in the stream.

We can't wait to welcome you. Visit Hope Stream community.org to learn more and join us today.

[00:07:29] The things I wish someone had told me

[00:07:30] 

So here's my heart, unfiltered. The things I wish someone had told me when my son's addiction and lifestyle became our family's most unwelcome companion. I hope this finds you exactly when you need it most.

I wish someone had told me. I wasn't the only one questioning every decision I had ever made. 

I wish someone had told me there would be days of crying in the closet and that it was okay. 

I wish someone had told me there were branches of resilience growing inside me when I felt most broken.

I wish someone had told me this was happening for me, not to me. 

I wish someone had told me that on those darkest days, light would eventually find its way back. 

I wish someone had told me that beyond all reason, beyond all logic, a mother's love never dims, even in the shadows. 

I wish someone had told me there are places on your heart that bruise easily and heal slowly, but they will [00:09:00] heal. 

I wish someone had told me the morning bird song would one day be a reminder of miracles, not just the signal of another day of struggle.

I wish someone had told me assumptions or trust wreckers. 

I wish someone had told me I am as important as the crisis swirling around me. 

I wish someone had whispered, sweetheart, you're doing everything you know how, and it's enough. 

I wish someone had told me my prayers were being answered on a timeline I couldn't yet see. 

I wish someone had taught me to listen when my body whispered before it had to scream. 

I wish somebody had simply said - rest.

I wish someone had told me sisterhood would bloom from tragedy’s soil. 

I wish someone had told me uncharted waters require a sturdy raft and sturdier companions. 

I wish someone had shown me that when paralysis gripped me by the throat, a deep breath could break its [00:10:30] hold.

 I wish someone had reminded me it's okay to keep dancing during a storm.

 I wish someone had affirmed that. I am the expert on my own heart.

 I wish someone had promised that even when dark clouds filled the sky rainbows would appear from nowhere.

 I wish someone had told me the world judged me more tenderly than I judged myself.

 I wish someone had shown me I could spend time hating the situation or understanding it. 

I wish someone had explained that fear is just an illusion of a future, not yet written. 

I wish someone had whispered there was no destination. Only the sacred journey.

I wish someone had promised that love and joy would once again fill the empty pockets of my heart. 

I wish someone had prepared me that small remnants of pain would become lifelong teachers. 

I wish someone had revealed it's possible to coax meaning from the unimaginable.

I wish someone had reminded me that our deepest wounds heal faster when we don't suffer alone.

I wish someone had told me there are times it's okay to not figure anything out. 

I wish someone had reassured me that cosmic harmony tends to solve what we cannot. 

I wish someone had shared that a collection of heavy hearts becomes a cloud of collective strength. 

I wish someone had explained that the nausea of uncertainty comes in waves and eventually subsides.

I wish someone had shown me that the best teacher is often just a mirror. 

I wish someone had taught me that self-compassion would be a balm for the inflamed edges of my heart. 

I wish someone had whispered that healers swarm to those brave enough to welcome them.

I wish someone had helped me understand no one can make me feel anything I don't allow. 

I wish someone had taught me that hard conversations create the foundation for easier [00:13:30] ones later. 

I wish someone had reminded me I don't need to dim my light for anyone's circumstances. 

I wish someone had promised that despite what stands before me today, the wind will shift and bring something new tomorrow. 

[00:13:55] Wrap up and resources

If you're newer to the podcast and you're in the mode of figuring out new ways to approach your child's mental health and substance use, we've got a free ebook you can download that will get you started. It's called Worried Sick, and it'll help bring some clarity to your day-to-day questions about what is going on with your child and how you can use strategies that are relationship positive and non-confrontational To start to create change in your family.

Just go to Hopestreamcommunity.org/worried to get that. And as a reminder, you can use our podcast website to find show notes and transcripts for every episode. Go to Hopestreamcommunity.org and click podcast to get everything podcast related. 

[00:14:43] Sending much love to you, strong parent

This is so hard. I know. And you're doing it. You're an amazing elite-level seal team status parent, and I am so honored to be part of your team. Be extra good to yourself today, and I will meet you right back [00:15:00] here next week.