How to Support Without Sacrificing: Parenting Strategies for Navigating Your Child's Addiction Recovery, with Brenda Zane

In this snack-sized episode, I share three concepts to help parents navigate the stormy waters of having a teen or young adult child who struggles with substance misuse and mental health issues. 

I emphasize the importance of self-care and separation from external chaos to maintain emotional stability and effectively support (and not drive crazy) those closest to you. 

I share three key points: visualizing personal boundaries to keep chaos out, understanding that every storm will eventually pass, and recognizing the harm caused by neglecting self-care. There's even a little bit of woo-woo included for those willing to experiment.

Some practical tips and a personal story underscore the necessity of prioritizing your well-being for the benefit of your entire family.

00:00 Introduction: Weathering the Storm

00:39 Welcome to Hope Stream

02:14 Taking Care of Yourself

03:07 Maintaining Your Vessel's Integrity

06:38 Every Storm Runs Out of Rain

14:44 The Greatest Harm: Not Taking Care of Yourself

17:52 Conclusion and Resources

This podcast is part of a nonprofit called Hopestream Community
Learn about The Stream, our private online community for moms
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Download a free e-book, Worried Sick: A Compassionate Guide For Parents When Your Teen or Young Adult Child Misuses Drugs and Alcohol

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Introduction and Finding Hope

This storm you're enduring is going to run out of rain. I know when your feet are in the fire, it does not seem like this is true. But if you look at patterns and the ebb and flow of your relationship, you'll notice that every moment is in a crisis. You might see a tender moment between your angry, dismissive, saggy jean wearing 17-year-old and their dog that melts your heart. It's these little slivers of light and reminders of who your child really is that you could hold onto.

[00:00:39] Introduction to Hopestream

Welcome to Hope Stream, the podcast and community created specifically for parents of teens and young adults who are misusing substances and struggling with mental health. I'm Brenda Zane, and I have been in your shoes with a child who was addicted to a high-risk lifestyle and all the bad things that came with it.

Listen every week to gain clarity and understanding. Learn new skills and best of all experience, real hope for what might feel like a helpless situation. We want you to not just survive this experience, but potentially find unexpected growth and meaning through it. You are not doing this alone anymore, and we're so glad you're here. After the episode, hop over to HopeStreamcommunity.org for more resources. 

Hey friend, Thanks for meeting up today. Out of all the things on your long to-do list and everything going on in life, you made the decision to tap into some support and love today, and that tells me a lot about you. It means you are not okay with letting things continue as they've been, and that you're always looking for a better way to navigate a difficult situation.

You're thinking ahead. Always one step in front of the next decision or the next inflection point in your journey, doing your research, connecting with people who can help and in general, be in the SEAL team, parent that you are.

[00:02:14] Self-Care and Personal Boundaries

I really vacillated today about this topic because, in some ways, I feel like I talk about it all the time. However, when I look back at past episodes, I realize it really was time for another little chat about why taking care of yourself right now makes a ton of sense, even when it feels like the opposite is true.

I am breaking this down into three chunks because we usually can't remember more than three things anyway, and when I was scrolling through the epic amount of notes in my phone, these three things really stood out to me today for some reason, and they were oddly related.

[00:02:53] Become an unsinkable ship

The first is a statement I love: an entire sea of water can't sink a ship if it doesn't get inside. An entire sea of water can't sink a ship if it doesn't get inside. There is no doubt that if you love someone who has mental health challenges and or is misusing substances, you have got turbulent conditions all around you every single day in The Stream, our private community for moms, I'm reminded of the truly difficult things that go on and the hard decisions you have to make regularly.

And we're seeing even more crazy happen because of the mental health problems being caused by heavy use of high-potency THC products. It is truly terrifying. So if you're dealing with that right now, we see you so all around you may be chaos or. Maybe your external chaos has quieted a bit with a kiddo who's in treatment, woo, and you're exhaling.

Or maybe they're doing really well in early recovery. It is still very easy to let the discomfort and unpredictability seep into your mind and your body and let it consume you.

It takes a good amount of intentional practice and consciousness not to allow the storm to push its way into you. It takes a good amount of intentional practice and consciousness to not allow the storm to push its way into you. If it does, it can cause you to spiral into negative thinking. It can create visions of really bad things happening to your child.

It can make you irritable and unpleasant to be around, speaking from experience, especially with your spouse or partner and other kids in the home. It can truly mess with your overall mental and physical health.

When I was in the thick of things with my son, I didn't know that there could be this kind of moat between the storm and me where I could watch. Observe it, but not let it drown me. I didn't have personal boundaries set up so that I could separate myself from the drama around me. It all just kind of blurred together and soaked in and filled me up until I would have a panic attack or explode at my husband or be generally angry and disagreeable at work.

Everything was sad and hopeless and negative. Which did absolutely nothing to help my son. So I encourage you to try and come up with some internal vision in your mind that can help you separate out the external challenges from the internal overwhelm. It could be thinking about a moat around you, like I just mentioned.

It might be a bridge where on the other side you can see the difficulties. There's a barrier across the bridge and they don't get to cross over to you. It could be an airplane where you're 30,000 feet above ground, watching things play out, but not getting tangled up in them.

The goal, my friend, isn't to control all the water in the ocean. AKA, your child's choices. The goal is to maintain your vessel's integrity. The goal isn't to control the water in the ocean, it's to maintain your vessel's integrity. It takes practice for sure, and there may be a little leak now and then, but if you don't allow your boat to fill up and become too heavy, you'll stay afloat.


[00:06:38] This storm will run out of rain

Number two, the second little note that I stumbled across in my phone said every storm runs out of rain. Every storm runs out of rain. When I was fresh out of college, I worked for an advertising agency that specialized in selling yellow page ads. I do recognize I am dating myself, but this story is a perfect analogy for what I wanna share, so I'm gonna go with it anyway, so I was really young and the owner of the agency put me in charge of the largest account, a very large pest control company in California, which which I will not mention the name of because I still have bad thoughts about this experience.

If you hop in the way back machine to when we used Yellow Pages, you'll recall that there were full page ads, half page ads, and then a bunch of smaller random sizes. And for a company that does pest control, they wanna have the biggest full page ads because when you need pest control, you need it fast, right?

And you'll probably call the first ad you see. The thing to know about these ads is that they were placed in the phone book alphabetically, and then in order of size and how long the company had been running the ad, sort of like a longevity strategy. And of course, they were there for a full year because the books only got printed once a year.

I ended up making a big mistake. I didn't submit one of the pest control companies ads in time, the one of course, for their hometown headquarters, and they were dropped from the book for a full year. we got a phone call from the owner of the company the day the book came out, and he was like the third generation son who was running it at the time.

This was a very large, very close-knit company. And to say that he was unhappy with me in particular is a huge understatement. He was literally screaming at me on the phone, swearing and threatening me, and I kept trying to jump in and assure him that we were gonna do something about it. And he kept yelling and I got so scared and flustered that I hung up on him.

That is when the agency owner's phone started ringing and. It was ugly When my boss, the owner of the agency, hung up, he came over to me and in different words, he told me that every storm runs out of rain. He told me that a person can really only rant and rave and yell for so long, and then they'll usually stop and at least take a breath.

He told me the next time someone did that, and unfortunately it did happen again. He said to stay calm and quiet and let them get it out. He said, don't interrupt them. Don't try and explain or rationalize because they are not in a mode at that point where anything you say will be taken the right way. I used that tip over and over in the next few years as I had angry clients on the phone and he was right.

If I let them go on, if I just let them get it off their chest and didn't come back at them with the same energy and come out of attitude, They would eventually stop and usually in less than three or four minutes, it was amazing. I say all of this because you may be having the ranting, raving yelling situation going on, and if you do, that is a definite no interaction type of situation, especially if substances are involved.

That is when you lean back. Let them know you're not going to engage. Find something to do for yourself and diffuse the situation. But there's also a larger meaning to this, which is that, eventually, something is going to change. Something is going to happen. That shifts where you are right now and you'll be in a different place.

This storm you're enduring is going to run out of rain. I know when your feet are in the fire, it does not seem like this is true. But if you look at patterns and the ebb and flow of your relationship, you'll notice that every moment is in a crisis. You might see a tender moment between your angry, dismissive, saggy jean wearing 17-year-old and their dog that melts your heart.

Or you make it an unexpected text from your daughter randomly. That is just a heart. And you know what that means? It's code between you that doesn't need words. It's these little slivers of light and reminders of who your child really is that you could hold onto.

They are little gifts that sneak up sometimes, so try to catch them and tuck them in your back pocket for the really stormy days. Will you go a little woo woo with me for a sec on this?

[00:12:00] A guided visualization

Close your eyes if it's safe to do that and visualize a huge storm. The kind where the rain is blowing sideways, there's a river running down your window and you could hear the water pounding on your roof.

Thunder is roaring outside somewhere. It's not right next to you, but it is close. There's a cold, wet feeling all around you and outside. It looks like someone used a dimmer to darken the sky. Now take a deep breath, hold it, and let it go.

Now you notice that the rain has stopped. Someone is turning the dimmer switch up, and there's a bright light filling up your room. It's getting lighter and lighter, and your shoulders drop. Your jaw loosens. You turn your face up to the sun and it is so warm. The storm is lifting it's past and you're okay.

[00:13:24] About The Stream Community

Hey, friend, can I tell you something? If you're a mom navigating the heartbreaking, confusing journey of loving a child who struggles with substance misuse and mental health, I see you. I really do. When my family was in the deepest, darkest place, I felt completely alone. I was terrified, exhausted, and had no roadmap.

That's exactly why we created Hopestream, the community and support I wish we had had years ago. The Stream membership isn't just another program that will tell you to let go or use tough love. It's a lifeline, a place where you'll find real women who truly understand, who won't judge you and who will walk beside you with compassion.

We've curated resources built in air-tight private community, not on Facebook, and created a space where you can breathe, learn, and start healing. Not just for your child, but for yourself because you matter. Your journey matters. If you're ready to feel supported, understood, and empowered, join us in the stream.

We can't wait to welcome you. Visit HopeStreamcommunity.org to learn more and join us today.


[00:14:44] The harm of not taking care of yourself

Finally, the third part of what I wanna share hit me so hard when I heard it because it is so true and it's this, the greatest harm I've done to others is through not taking care of myself. The greatest harm I've done to others is through not taking care of myself. I did a rewind in my head and I thought of the times I have hurt others, whether that's my kids, my husband, friends, and guess what?

During those times, I was at my worst. Mentally, physically, emotionally, I was drained. If I had been a phone, I would've had like 1% battery left, definitely in low battery mode, and I for sure did not show up in a way that I am proud of, thinking back on it.

My friend, if you are not prioritizing yourself, if you're not sleeping or drinking water or spending some time by yourself outside. Biking or boxing or painting or singing or reading in a bathtub, you are actually setting yourself up to hurt the people closest to you. You are not gonna have the right words said in the right way.

When your kiddo presents you with their next incident, you likely won't be supportive and patient when your co-parent needs you. To explain one more time what the lip clip is. You won't have the fullness you need in your world so that you don't meddle in your child's new recovery journey. And you may not have the stamina to keep plugging the little holes in your boat so the water doesn't overtake your vessel and you drown.

It feels so counterintuitive. It feels indulgent and decadent and like something that can come later after this crisis, after they get their one year chip. After you figure out the insurance denial after the next court date, but it cannot wait. It's now that you turn the attention on yourself as uncomfortable as it might feel, and make sure you are not barreling down a path of giving your worst to those closest to you.


[00:17:03] Review of the concepts

Okay, quick review. 

Number one, an entire sea of water can't sink a ship. If it doesn't get inside. Find a visualization and some tools that help you keep a distance between yourself and the difficulties around you.

Number two, every storm runs out of rain. Use the guided visualization we just did. Anytime it feels like whatever is happening isn't going to end. 

And number three, the greatest harm I've done to others is through not taking care of myself. Set yourself up to treat others the way you want to.

And the only way you'll be able to do that with consistency and authenticity is to prioritize your mind, body, and emotions. That is what I've got my friend.

[00:17:53] Worried Sick: free-ebook

If you're newer to the podcast and you're in the mode of figuring out new ways to approach your child's mental health and substance use, we've got a free ebook you can download that will get you started. It's called Worried Sick, and it'll help bring some clarity to your day-to-day questions about what is going on with your child and how you can use strategies that are relationship-positive and non-confrontational.

To start to create change in your family, just go to Hopestreamcommunity.org/worried to get that. And, as a reminder, you can use our podcast website to find show notes and transcripts for every episode. Go to HopeStreamcommunity.org and click podcast to get everything podcast related.


[00:18:41] Sending much love to you, strong parent

This is so hard. I know. And you're doing it.

You are going to do it tomorrow and things are gonna change and you are going to be prepared because you are going to include yourself. As part of your child's journey to being healthier, and I see you doing it all. You're amazing elite level seal team status parent, and I am so honored to be part of your team.

Be extra good to yourself today, and I will meet you right back here next week.