From College Interruption to Recovery: Parenting Through Addiction When Kids Self-Medicate Their Anxiety, A Hopestream Family Story

ABOUT THE EPISODE:

Lynne’s first clue that her son might be using substances was finding a Google search: “marijuana for anxiety.”

Outwardly, there was nothing particularly concerning about his behavior - at first. He had always made good grades, even as an elite athlete headed for college play. But inside, the looming life changes were causing a lot of anxiety. The first time he tried marijuana, he knew it was exactly what he had been looking for and it worked…for a while.

Once he got to college, his use of marijuana was compounded by other substances, his grades plummeted, and Lynne’s family had to make the difficult decision of no longer paying for school. After a psychotic episode and an automobile accident, Lynne’s son was finally able to embrace treatment and sustain recovery.

Meanwhile, Lynne demonstrated the resilience innate to her personality and became certified as a Mayo Clinic Health and Wellness Coach, Invitation to Change parent coach, and meditation instructor. In this family story episode, she shares her process of learning how to see the journey without regard for the outcome, the benefits of learning to set boundaries, and shares the key to her strength to help her son recover his life.

EPISODE RESOURCES:

• The Stream Community

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Transcript

Lynne: 0:05

I would get up on my soapbox, now I look back on it, and I felt like I was an orator, and he was the, the peanut's parents, and he would hear, wah, wah, wah, wah, the dangers of. Substance use, the dangers of using marijuana, how it affects you when you're driving. I mean, the eyes would glaze over. He would continue playing his video games. I can recall that so clearly now it was, it was a losing battle, so to speak.

Brenda: 0:43

Welcome to Hope Stream, a podcast where you'll hear interviews, conversations, and encouraging words. For parents of teens and young adults who struggle with substance misuse and mental health. I'm Brenda Zane, your host and a fellow parent whose child struggled. I'm so glad you're here. Take a deep breath and know you're not doing this alone anymore. Hi friend. I am excited to share the second Hope Stream family story with you as part of our new series where we're giving you a peek behind the scenes of normal everyday parents Who find themselves in the unbelievably hard and painful place of learning that their teen or young adult child is struggling with substance misuse and mental health. I'm so grateful for people like Lynn who you're going to meet today for being brave to speak out and share their stories, which I know are gonna be helpful for you. These are moms who have literally been to the darkest corners of their child's battles, and they're willing to tell you about them in hopes that you'll pick something up along the way. That might be helpful. Maybe you'll recognize a similar pattern or behavior that allows you to step in earlier, or you hear about a mindset that one of these strong, resilient moms adapted that could help you with your own mental health. Lynn is a long time and beloved member of the stream community and is one who not only survived the roller coaster ride that I often talk about, but she is the definition of resilience. And went on to get certified as a Mayo Clinic Health and Wellness Coach, an Invitation to Change Certified Parent Coach, a Meditation Teacher, and she also has a degree in Psychology, so see what I mean? These are the kinds of things people go on to do once they've come through the other side and said, I can help others. And then they do. If you have a kiddo who started to unravel when they went to college or you think they might unravel when they do head off, you are going to want to pay close attention to Lynn's story. Her son, like so many young people do, started using marijuana to help with his anxiety, which led to a long and painful journey. That put Lynn into a chronic state of worry, confusion, and her own anxiety. She felt the frustration that many of us feel of not knowing the right kind of help to get her son. And it felt like she had to fix the problems that he was experiencing in part. Because he was asking her to. She shares how she and her husband finally realized that paying for their son to be at college was not a smart investment at the time, and how finding the right medication for his mental health was part of the equation. But when things took a turn for the worse and Lynn's son had serious suicidal ideation, they had to keep pressing forward. So they hired an educational consultant. And kept putting the pieces in place to get him to a healthier place. Through it all, Lynn says it has been her faith that has been the anchor for her ability to keep going. And she graciously shares a goosebump worthy story about the moment she knew her son was going to be okay. Even though, at the moment, he was the very opposite. I won't give away the ending, and I can't thank Lynn enough for sitting down with me for this conversation. Listen in for a real life family recovery story with Lynn. Lynn, welcome to the podcast. It's exciting to have a family member here to share your experience. We love recovery stories, right? Like it's always great to hear a great recovery story. And what Kathy and I were thinking is we should be telling family recovery stories, not just the individual who is struggling with the substance use. Because as we know, this is a. So welcome, and I'm excited to hear a little bit more about your story.

Lynne: 5:16

Thank you, Brenda. I'm glad to be here.

Brenda: 5:19

I would, I think, starting maybe with when you first realized that you had a child who was struggling, And whether you noticed like mental health stuff first or substance use, just tell a little bit about when you realized that, what were some of those signs that you noticed that something was not quite right? Our son

Lynne: 5:44

struggled with anxiety. He was an elite athlete going off to college to play in college. And I think he was really anxious about that transition and we found some Googling on the internet about marijuana for anxiety. And that wouldn't be the first clue I would say as to you know, if something was up. He'd always been a good student. You know, he practiced all the time while he was in high school, so he didn't have much time to do anything else other than. The sport he was playing. So we noticed between the end of high school and beginning of him going off to college that summer was when things started to escalate. And going back in time and talking to him after all of this was over and he was in recovery he admitted that. Once he tried marijuana, that was it. It was, it was like, boom, falling down the rabbit hole. It was the wonder drug for him. It took away his anxiety about the future. It took away his anxiety in terms of social relationships and how things were going to be. So that's, that's when it started. That's when I first noticed something was going on.

Brenda: 7:01

Yeah, isn't that incredible that it's so true that it really is solving a problem? They're like, Oh my gosh, I just found the most amazing solution to this problem I have. And I think that's so important to just keep reiterating as parents are listening and learning that it can look like crazy behavior or irresponsible behavior or carelessness or whatever, recklessness. But we have to really remember that it is solving a problem and it does it pretty darn well in the beginning. Right? Like, Oh, that was magical. So what was your response to that? Like, how did you respond when you found that Googling, when you started realizing, Oh, this is, this is not going in the right direction.

Lynne: 7:50

I

Brenda: 7:50

thought,

Lynne: 7:50

uh, Oh. I came from a family where you know, there was, there was alcohol abuse in my family of origin. My eyes were wide open as to how this can derail someone's life. And you know, a lot of kids were using marijuana at the time. He had some friends that had started using it over the summer and was hanging out with them more. And I was very concerned. I was very cautious about how to proceed. He was going off with these two friends and I think smoking and it got to the point where I would actually follow him. And I felt really, I felt terrible about, you know, following him and searching for paraphernalia and really staying on top of it. Yeah, it didn't feel good for me at all, but it was,

Brenda: 8:41

it was eyeopening. Were you trying to dissuade him or what was your approach? Like what tactics did you take?

Lynne: 8:50

You know, I am someone who loves to talk about, you know, what my history was like and my experience was like and so I did that oftentimes with all of my kids. What that can look like. You could have a severe problem with this because it's in your family. It's actually on both sides of the family. So I would, I can remember this. I would get up on my soap box. Now I look back on it. And I felt like I was an orator and he was the, the peanuts parents and he would hear wah, wah, wah, wah, the dangers of substance use, the dangers of using marijuana, how it affects you when you're driving. I mean, the eyes would glaze over, he would continue playing his video games. I can recall that. So clearly now it was, it was a losing battle, so to speak.

Brenda: 9:41

Did you know why he had started? Like, did you know that he was trying to calm that anxiety? I guess if you found that in Google, but was that connecting for you? Like, Oh, he's trying to resolve this problem and he's using marijuana or what was your understanding of why he was doing this? If you had any at all.

Lynne: 10:02

Yeah. So I think there was a little bit of understanding, but it wasn't a hundred percent. And at the time I didn't delve into asking him why he was using or what, you know, behaviors make sense from the ITC training. I didn't ask those questions and didn't have those tools until a later

Brenda: 10:22

date. What year was this and when did you find resources and how, like, where, what were you turning to for help when you were going through this early on? This

Lynne: 10:34

was probably 2017. And. Honestly, I didn't search for many resources at the time. I was trying to manage it, wondering, is this really happening? Is it not happening? Maybe he's just, you know, it's helping him. I mean, some kids can use marijuana, some kids can drink alcohol and nothing happens, but we didn't see. Actual changes that were impacting his sleep and his ability to do well in college until about a year later. And so at that point I was looking more at Anxiety, you know, how to quell this anxiety that came up for him and he was using obviously marijuana to, to stop that. So it became more of a search for, I need to find a therapist, I need to find someone who will talk, he can talk to while he was in college about what's going on for him. And a psychiatrist actually to see if there was some medication that he could take. So that's the route that I went. It wasn't until he actually started escalating his substance use that that I ended up looking for more resources online, Googling, not finding a whole lot. That was available.

Brenda: 11:58

What was going on with your relationship with him during this time? Like, how did that evolve over the period of when you realized something was going on and then you're trying to find some help for the anxiety? What was the dynamic in your relationship?

Lynne: 12:14

So it became more of almost like a parent. I mean, we, it was a parent child, but he became very much wanting me to solve this issue for him. We became, we have always been close and so we became even closer. I mean, he was really struggling. I felt like I had to solve it, right? I had this writing reflex where I had to solve all the problems for him and it became overwhelming. He was in college away. You know, I couldn't really see what was happening and I didn't know day to day, day to day what was happening with his use. And it had escalated at that point into other things.

Brenda: 12:54

Yeah. So it sounds like at least you guys had a, that relationship, like he was communicating with you saying, can you help me solve this? So what was the turning point for, I assume he got some sort of help or treatment. What, what was that process like for whether you found it or he found it? Talk a little bit about how he ended up getting some help.

Lynne: 13:19

So I made an appointment. For him to see a psychiatrist who evaluated him. I think he was in denial about his You know needing to take medication for that And some other things that came up, but clearly there was evidence of a problem According to the psychiatrist statement and it wasn't until a later time that it was addressed. So he was trying to manage himself and at the same time The, uh, you know, his grades were plummeting you know, he, we, he had to leave. I mean, we basically said, you cannot continue at this rate. This is ridiculous for us to be putting this much money away. So he came home and enrolled in a community college. Was living at home with us and then went on medication. I believe that's when he started and he was able to manage himself but still was continuing to use substances We didn't know at this time that he was he was fighting it pretty well We thought that the, uh, medication he was taking was helping him and it seemed to be helping him. He wasn't as anxious and wasn't having panic attacks, that sort of thing.

Brenda: 14:37

So did he ever do like an inpatient

Lynne: 14:40

type thing? Yeah. The next step was he went away to another college, eventually transferred. And things started to unravel really quickly. He came home and he had been having some suicidal ideation. It got really intense. I think the level, looking back now, the level of marijuana that he was using was very high and he had a psychotic episode. And. That spurred us to take some action. So after that, we started working with an educational consultant and laid out some options. He went to a residential treatment and had some. Analysis done on him, some neuropsych testing, et cetera. And from there he went on to two other treatment centers.

Brenda: 15:39

Hey there. Are you feeling stuck in a cycle of drama and arguments with your child, worried, sick about their substance use? I have been there and I want you to know there's hope. This podcast is just one piece of the curated and trustworthy resources and solutions we offer for parents. We recognize you need emotional support and a solid plan for moving forward, making positive change in your family. So in addition to connecting with other parents and feeling like you're part of something bigger, we also teach you practical skills and strategies to dial down the drama and diffuse those heated moments. We step you through the evidence based craft approach, a game changer that can help you invite your child to accept help without resorting to tough love or waiting for rock bottom. We have so much more than the podcast waiting for you. Head over to HopeStreamCommunity. org to tap into all our resources and become part of the HopeStream family in our private online community. Remember, you are not alone in this. We're doing it together now, let's get back to the conversation. Is there something that you can think of that you know now? And obviously you know a lot because I know you've been, you've done quite a bit of training. Is there something that you know now that if you could hop in a time machine and rewind and go back to that first encounter where you're like, Oh, he's got some anxiety and he's using weed to deal with it. What is that? And what would that do you think have done in, in this journey? I don't know the

Lynne: 17:34

answer to that. Honestly, I don't know. I've learned a lot along the way. That I think I was meant to learn at the, at the particular stages that at the time, I don't know if some of that wisdom that I've learned would have been appropriate because I was in fear mode. At that point, my amygdala was firing, and I was just trying to, you know, deal with the bear in the room.

Brenda: 17:59

Worrying,

Lynne: 18:00

worrying that my son, you know, didn't want to be here anymore.

Brenda: 18:05

Yeah.

Lynne: 18:05

It's so terrifying.

Brenda: 18:07

Scary. So, so scary. How did that impact you so? You're mom, you're having to still live your life, right? You can't just like, you don't press pause on the rest of your life when, when you're going through this. What was kind of, what was the dynamic for you and the rest of your life and how are you changing as this unfolded in your family?

Lynne: 18:33

So I've always been someone who does research and wants tools and information to help me. Move past this and I became someone who googled a lot of information I found the partnership to end addiction I did their training and became a one on one coach and through that training I think I learned a lot of skills that helped me going forward.

Brenda: 19:04

Is there a tool or a mantra or a mindset that you feel like has been really a cornerstone for you in this, that You look back and you're like, man, I'm so glad I learned that, or I'm so glad I can still hold on to that. Is there something that, you know, lots of parents who are listening to this are in that fear stage and they're parenting from a place of fear. What's something that really has helped you that you learned as you educated yourself on all of this?

Lynne: 19:38

So there's a famous quote by Thomas Munson, and it goes like this, we cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. And I think of that as, I don't have control over what my son does, or anybody for that matter, my husband, my other family members, people that I work with, etc. But what I do have the capability to do is to make changes to what I do. So I'm someone who believes strongly in self care. I think self care was incredibly essential for me at the time when I was processing all of this worry, it would help alleviate some of that. I also focused on learning as much as I could about the tools needed to accept the journey that I was on. To really. And I realized that it was a journey and I couldn't really focus on the outcome. I think so many parents focus on the outcome that it's really the journey and the way that unfolds. So I, I remember sitting in on a family a parent's family meeting and one of the treatment programs and the parents were talking a lot about being on this roller coaster, like the ups and the downs and. You know, the flip arounds, et cetera. And I asked the question, you know, how do you, how do you look at this whole thing and make sense of it? You know, and one of the dads who was super wise at the time, he'd been doing this for a long time. You said, you know, you really just need to kind of helicopter up and look at the perspective of the roller coaster. Here's where it starts. Here's where it ends, but we're not going to look at any one particular high or low. It's really about the journey. It's taking that longer view perspective and that really shifted my focus of. Okay. I get this now. We're not going to just go from, oh my gosh, she's doing well, oh my gosh, she's doing horribly. We need to kind of take a step back and look at the whole journey.

Brenda: 21:47

That's a really great thing to remember because you can get caught up in the loop de loop and then the turnover here and then, oh, my hat fell off and that, you know, we get so tangled up in the. in each one of those twists and turns that that's a great thing to remember the perspective and it is a long ride for a lot of people. How long, I know it can be blurry, at least in my brain, our journey is a very blurry period of time in my life, but approximately how long would you say you were sort of in the crisis mode or at least in the mode where you were like, Oh, this is really tough. Yeah.

Lynne: 22:27

So I would say for about two years, a little over two years. Yeah. Yeah, and then there was a point where he decided to leave one of his programs, the last one that he was at and he was living on his own for some period of time, I want to say six months, maybe, maybe not even that long. And he had an automobile accident and that automobile accident changed the trajectory of his life. Luckily he didn't have severe injuries. But it really flipped the switch for him and I can remember one of the people in one of the treatment programs that he went to had said, you know, he can get, kids get sober under an overpass in jail, you know, I mean, there's lots of ways it just has to kick in for them to mean something, to become motivating for them. And that's what it was for my son. I'm very grateful in a lot of ways that that happened because I think it needed to happen to shake things up.

Brenda: 23:32

Yeah, exactly. Same with my son. His, his last overdose was it, it was like, okay, this is going to take me down. Yeah. And it, and it takes that for some of them, right? As we know you've been trained in the invitation to change. We know that boundaries are really critical to this whole experience and it's something that parents struggle with a lot. Tell us what you know about boundaries and how do they play a role in your

Lynne: 24:00

If you had asked me this question a number of years ago, I would have said, wow, boundaries are really hard to define. What is a boundary? You know, and I think I was someone who didn't have strong boundaries. There were times when you know, I was doing enabling when my son was at home and I was searching for paraphernalia and I would find it. And our rule in the house was if you have it, we're going to take it and get rid of it. you can't do this in the house, et cetera. And my husband was very strong with boundaries and I was very soft and I would hide it. I would hide it somewhere so that he knew that I took it, but we didn't have to do the consequences, you know, as avoiding the consequences. As I started to apply boundaries for myself he would push back, but he knew that that's what it was going to be. So for example, no more money, you know the big ones, the big ones, yeah, we're not going to pay for college if, you know, these things are not happening. And it seemed like there was a shift when I figured out how to set some boundaries. I felt freer and. He shifted to being more, even more respectful it seemed to really help the relationship. That's so huge. Kind of a scary place, but yeah. It is. It is.

Brenda: 25:30

It's so scary because you don't want your child to be angry at you and you don't want to let them, you know. But then, like you said, when you actually do hold those boundaries and you communicate them, right, with love and, and like to tell them why you're doing what you're doing and that you're doing it for yourself, like you said, for sleep or whatever it is, it, it is something where I start, I also saw the respect level change because. You know, otherwise, it's like you're getting trampled all over and you're like, oh, I'm okay with this. No, it's not okay. So thank you for that. That's it's really helpful. It's just one of those things that I think every parent struggles with let alone parents who have kids who struggle with substances because I don't know about yours, but mine could be so convincing and so brilliant at negotiation and you start to think like, wait a minute, maybe, maybe I am doing the wrong thing. Maybe I should be, you know, so those are, those are super helpful. What is something that You held on to that would give you hope during this time either a relationship or just something that Continued to give you hope because it's a long journey and you kind of have to have a light at the end of the tunnel Yeah,

Lynne: 26:56

so I think my faith has been Something that has helped me on this ride Actually Went hiking used to do I love hiking and being out in nature and I went hiking in Utah at one point and Wanted to go by myself because I needed to get some clarity about what was happening. It was a tricky time and I can remember all of a sudden in in my ear, but not in my ear kind of in my mind It was a weird experience. I heard this voice that said he will be okay. Mm hmm and That did it for me. It was in this beautiful place. I heard the voice and I had a lot more faith.

Brenda: 27:46

Yeah. That's, that had to have brought some peace to you, especially when, when you are on one of the loop de loops in the roller coaster and you're like, do I have enough seatbelts to hold me in? Right. But that's, that's so beautiful. Yeah. It's that was instrumental for me. I know for a lot of people, because you have to have. faith in something bigger than anything that you can see here because it's so scary. And there are no guarantees, right? There's, you know, there's no guarantees. So what's going on today? What does life look like for this young man today?

Lynne: 28:25

He's finishing his degree and plans on helping others that were in similar situations to what he experienced. And he's married now has a lovely wife who is a great balance for him. And, you know, there's, he has a lot of really good qualities. And I think like a lot of young men and women who've been through this process, he, he has an incredible self awareness and has really learned some tools that not many people his age possess. Yeah.

Brenda: 29:03

How exciting. He's married. That's amazing. I bet that's something that you just relished when that, when that took place. I can imagine what, what that would feel like. Just in wrapping up, what, how would you say you're different today than you were when you started this before this event happened to you? And well, it's not really an event. It's a series of events, but how are you different? I think I have.

Lynne: 29:30

A huge amount of compassion for anyone who's been on this journey and it's really taught me how to really listen with an open heart to other stories and walk beside them. Not judging and it's really helped me understand that my journey now is to help others doing this. It's, it's where I find my purpose. And if you think about, I mean, there, it's a grief process when you go through this journey. And we talk about the five stages of grief that have been outlined for many years. And I think there's a sixth stage that is very apparent for me because the sixth stage is really about finding meaning in the loss. And so with the loss of what happened with my son and his journey and our family comes Deep meaning for how to help other parents on this journey.

Brenda: 30:33

Yeah. Can you imagine if you had found you when, when you were in need, right, in, in the early days, if you had had someone like you to call up and coach you and come alongside and say, I know, I know you're going to get through it. Thank you so much. Thanks for being part of our community and for loving on so many moms who are working through it and, you know, just trying to get to where you are, get through and, and take some meaning from it. I love that. The sixth stage that that's very true. Thank you so much for joining me. Thank you. Okay, my friend, if you want the transcript or show notes and resources from this episode, just go to HopeStreamCommunity. org and click on podcast. That'll take you to all things podcast related, including the full library, a search feature if you're looking for something specific, and also playlists where we have grouped together episodes on things like craft, recovery stories. solo episodes, siblings. We even have a start here playlist. If you're new, those are super helpful. So be sure to check them out. I also want to let you know about a free ebook you can download. If you're feeling anxious and confused about how to approach your child's substance misuse, the book is called worried, sick a compassionate guide for parents of teens and young adults, misusing drugs and alcohol. And it'll introduce you. To ways that you can rebuild connection and relationship with your child versus distance and let them hit rock bottom. It is a game changer. It's totally free. Just go to HopeStreamCommunity. org forward slash worried to download that. You are amazing. You are such a rock star, a super elite level parent. It's truly an honor to be here with you and please know you are not doing this alone. You've got this tribe and you will be okay. You'll make it through this season and when you do, you are going to be stronger and more resilient than you ever thought possible. I'm sending all my love and might and I'll meet you right back here next week.