Six Ideas When You're Looking For The Escape Hatch While Parenting A Child Struggling With Drugs and Alcohol, with Brenda Zane

ABOUT THE EPISODE:

Upon returning from vacation, I started to notice a theme in our community and my friend groups - there are a lot of exhausted, brain-fried parents who are looking for an escape from the day-to-day strain of having a child who misuses or is addicted to substances. From spouse and partner relationships to our kids themselves, we sometimes need time to tap out and escape.

This episode will give you six simple (not necessarily easy) things you can do when you’re looking for an escape hatch to help navigate through difficulties. You’ll also hear about our upcoming Signature Fall Retreat: Restoration Mom and an invitation to dads who may want an escape of their own.

EPISODE RESOURCES:

• Episode 174 on boundaries with Cathy Cioth
• Onsite retreats and intensives
• Evoke Intensives
• Restoration Mom retreat, Oct. 1-4, 2024

This podcast is part of a nonprofit called Hopestream Community
Learn about The Stream, our private online community for moms
Learn about The Woods, our private online community for dads
Find us on Instagram: @hopestreamcommunity
Download a free e-book, Worried Sick: A Compassionate Guide For Parents When Your Teen or Young Adult Child Misuses Drugs and Alcohol

Hopestream Community is a registered 501(c)3 nonprofit organization and an Amazon Associate. We may make a small commission if you purchase from our links.

Transcript

Brenda: 0:00

My brain will never be the same. My nervous system will never be the same, and that isn't all bad. There's a lot of good in that as well, but if you're not finding the joy, if you are not finding happiness, if you're not able to feel feelings, if you feel numb, And like you're in neutral and you're stuck, there is help and it takes a lot of work and courage. It might take a lot of therapy, but your experiences and your feelings are valid. You are not weak. You are not crazy. You're human and humans get hurt. It's okay. And it can get better.

0:44

You're listening to HopeStream. If you're parenting a young person who misuses substances, is in a treatment program, or finding their way to recovery, you have landed in the right place. This is your private space to learn from experts and gain encouragement and support from me, Brenda Zane, your host and fellow mom to a child who struggled. This podcast is just one of the resources that we offer for parents. So after the episode, head over to our website, HopeStreamCommunity. org. I am so glad you're here. Take a deep breath, exhale, and know that you have found your people. Now let's get into today's show.

Brenda: 1:25

Hey friends. So it is just us today. I am back from a two week vacation, which I've never done before. It was pretty interesting and amazing. I completely disconnected And our little bitty team at HopeStream truly covered everything for me so I could just step away, which was very needed. It really showed me how much our nervous system takes a hit when we are constantly in a mode of do do do, problem solving, worrying, anxiety. It's a lot. It is just a lot on our bodies. I came back from this trip and I knew I was going to have a solo episode coming up. And I thought I'd come back and have just some incredible insight for you that I would have the most amazing and brilliant episode filled with things that I learned while I was away. And the truth is, I did not come back with that. So I was talking to my 24 year old son about this yesterday and saying, you know, I just don't know what to say. I don't know what I can offer that feels new and helpful. And I feel kind of terrible saying that, but I think there are probably times when you also feel like, I just don't have anything left to say, whether that's to your partner about your current situation, whether that's to your young person, maybe that's your child or grandchild, niece or nephew or whoever it is that you are loving on who's struggling, you might just be fresh out of content in your brain. So that's kind of where I was. And then over the last 48 hours or so, I started seeing this theme come up in our community. And also just with some friends who don't even have kids struggling and that was where is the escape hatch? Where is the little eject button that lets me remove myself from all of this? Even just for a little while because I am worn out. I am over deployed. I'm done. I don't have anything left to say. I don't have a magic wand. I don't have any new tools to try. Actually, I don't even know where my toolbox is. I think I might have left it somewhere. You're just done. That's it. And so I thought maybe I would talk a little bit about that because I do know that I felt that way for sure at times when it seemed like everything was just too much. When everything feels too overwhelming, you're not getting the results you want from all of the things that all of the people are telling you to do. You might have a very strained relationship with your partner who has different ideas about how to do this whole thing. And you're like, get me out. I just want to tap out. I've talked about this from time to time before, about wanting to tap out, but I don't know that I have addressed it head on. So, let's do that. there are six things that I came up with that I thought I would address. First off, this is normal. What I want to say, if you are feeling like you need the escape hatch. And you're looking for the door, it is 100 percent completely normal, and you would probably have a lot of company if you could find the secret entrance. You would probably find a lot of other moms and dads in there like, Oh, you found it too! Come on in! So don't feel bad if you're looking for an escape hatch. It is normal. You are a human being, having a human experience, and you're having an overwhelming human experience. And so of course you are going to want to tap out sometimes. My guess is though that you wouldn't want to tap out forever. My guess is that you would like to tap out and then come back when things have settled down. When life looks a little more familiar, where there is less conflict, less friction between you and the people you love. So let's call it a temporary escape. You need a temporary eject button with a huge parachute that will help you land softly in some new, serene, and beautiful place. It's kind of like a bounce back, like you get to go rest, replenish yourself, and then you get to come back. And there's a little foreshadowing happening there, so stay tuned. So that's the first thing. Tapping out is normal and nothing that you need to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. It is just a fact of life. Your mental and emotional fortitude is wearing thin, and why wouldn't it? Number two is take a step back. This leads into a second important point. I think this place of crying uncle is actually a good place to get to because when I talk to a lot of young people or even, you know, people who are in their 30s or 40s who are in long term recovery, one of the things they always say is that the parents need to remove themselves more from the situation and allow the natural consequences to take place. Sound familiar? you've been learning craft in the Invitation to Change approach, it definitely should sound familiar. People with lived experience often tell me the parents would be smart to exert less control, do less fixing, and to provide less comfortable support. For one thing, it's exhausting for you, and also what they tell me is this constant rescuing can prolong a person's time in an addictive cycle, which is, I'm guessing, the exact opposite of what you want to do. So if you're feeling the need for the magical escape hatch, that might be a signal that you have tried all your tools, you have probably tried some things that weren't so productive or healthy. And it could be a signal to say, you know what? It's their turn now. It is their turn to figure out where to live. It is their turn to figure out how to get money to pay for a car or where to get a job or how to enroll in school or how to get out of that relationship. Whatever it is, it's their turn to figure out all the things that you might also be trying to figure out with them or for them. This goes for your child, but it also goes for other people in your orbit. Maybe you have a relationship with your parents or your in laws and they don't understand what you're doing and you're having conflict with them because they've got ideas and opinions about how they think their grandchildren should be dealt with. Or it could be your partner, your spouse, or a future partner or spouse, or an ex partner or spouse that you are at odds with. So, this desire to escape could be a signal that it is time to back up a little bit from all the things you've been doing, the control you've been trying to exert, and you are going to love hearing this third thing. You may need to set some healthy boundaries with people. So number three, set healthy or healthier boundaries. If you are feeling angry and resentful towards someone, which is often what leads to a feeling of overwhelm and exhaustion. It's probably because you want that person to be more considerate and responsible in their behavior and treatment of you and other people you love. You want them to change something they're doing, but you don't really want to change yourself because, of course, you are doing it right. This may come as a brutal reality, but But feelings of resentment, frustration and anger towards someone can be a healthy warning sign that there is some growth needed around how you are coping and dealing with things. And it can be an opportunity to take responsibility for your needs and your feelings. As a start, think about these questions that might help you identify where you could use some healthy boundaries. Are there areas where you are doing things for people that they can and should be doing themselves? Are you afraid to say no to someone, even though if you did, it would make you feel less overwhelmed, less fearful, or more respected? Where are your values being trampled or where do you feel invisible? Are there places where you're blocking natural consequences from happening as a way of manipulating an outcome for your child or someone else in your life? Are you actively or passively supporting or allowing your child's unhealthy or self destructive behavior? Setting and holding healthy boundaries is a difficult topic, and it's one that I have covered here on the podcast. So if you need a refresher or if boundaries are new to you, I would recommend starting with episode 1 74, where Hope Stream Co-founder Cathy, and I had a conversation about it. You can just go to Hope Hopestream community.org, click on podcast, and then you can search for episode 1 7 4. Next, I'm calling dance. When is the last time you danced? Meaning, not literally when is the last time you danced, but when is the last time you stepped aside, whether that is for five minutes or five days, or if you were to be so lucky, five weeks, and did some stuff that you love and did some work on yourself? When is the last time you prioritized yourself and your needs? And of course, this gets tricky because there are logistics and there's reality and budgets and work schedules and all of that I know I live in the same world and it all exists However, there are places you can go and things you can do for 10 minutes or 15 minutes That can help counteract that sense of wanting to just hit the escape button. It might not be your ideal, but at least it could get you through until you can have more of your ideal. And let's say for whatever reason, you actually cannot get anywhere. You can't even get outside to go on a walk. What I would love for you to do is to make an I love list. And this I love list, all it requires is something to write with and a piece of paper, or I guess you could do it on your phone or computer, wherever, and you just list the things you love. It doesn't even have to be a gratitude list. Maybe you are so over the gratitude and all the tools and all the things. Just make a list of things you love. Here's my list from this morning. I love hearing sprinklers clicking over the grass. I love hearing a seagull because it means I'm near water. I love the smell of a flower as I walk by. I love to see a baby being pushed in a stroller without a care in the world. I love a clear blue sky on a warm July day. I love the smell of coffee in the morning. Often, the things we truly love are so simple, we forget to acknowledge them when we get mired in and bogged down by the day to day struggles that I know you are dealing with. And I know this because I talk with you personally, individually. I know how serious these struggles are. You are dealing with the most serious of the serious. I had a conversation about a week ago with a mom whose child was actively talking about suicide and she was paralyzed with fear. And I know that is true for many of you. So I don't say any of this lightly. I don't say glibly, Oh, just make a list of all the things you love. That is not the intent. The intent is to unfreeze you. If you're stuck in that paralysis, if you are living in that level of fear, these are ways that you can just start to get a little bit of movement back in your body, a little bit of relief in your mind because you are dealing with situations that are life and death. And I fully recognize and understand that. Next is one of my favorite words and topics, connection. In addition to your I love list, and ideally you're getting out and moving your body a little bit, the connection with other people who are going through this is critical. And I don't just say this because we have a community. Of course, I think it's amazing and I think you'd really love it, but I don't say this only because of that. I say it because I see this in all places, all across the world, that when people find each other who have a similar shared experience, they bond over it almost immediately, regardless of whether they speak the same language, regardless of age, race, religion, education level, zip code, everything. When you share an experience like this, there is an instant bond that takes place. And I know you might think, Oh gosh, that is the last thing I want to do, connect with more people who have this difficult situation going on. I am already tired of it. I'm done with it. And I don't want to talk to more people who have this. And I get that and I hear you. And the benefit might be That even though you may not be fully engaged and interacting regularly day to day, just to be able to have the knowledge that you have got a safety net of people that you can reach out to when the you know what hits the fan or when you feel like you want the escape hatch to validate you and recognize you and say, I get it. I want that too. And then you can move on. Sometimes that is all that's required to regulate your nervous system and allow you to move through the day. One of the things that struck me this week, we were in one of our therapeutic coaching sessions in the stream community with our moms. And it was a concept that I think truly defines what we do in our community, which is we give you tools and mindsets that help you move through the difficult situations and suffering. that arises and makes you very uncomfortable without needing to solve or fix the discomfort. Because obviously, if we could solve or fix the discomfort, none of us would be here. So we recognize that this is an experience that is going to make you extremely uncomfortable. You are going to have to learn how to move through it. You cannot become paralyzed by it. You cannot tap out forever. And some incredible outcomes come with this new skill of being able to move through discomfort. That's one of the benefits of having a community, of having some support and some help, is that you are interacting with people who are not in the day to day crisis. They are not in the place that you are. And if you're not in that place, I'm going to talk to you in a minute. So just hold on for a second, but you can start to recognize and learn from people who are on the other side. And there is such beauty in that. And there's so much comfort in that to know that other people have been through this before and they're there to help guide you with the wisdom that they have gained along the way. And of course, you get to take what works for you and leave what doesn't, but often you will find some very, very valuable nuggets in the interactions with people in a tribe that gets it. The next point that I want to talk about is your sphere of influence. Another great exercise that you can do if you're in a period of wanting to escape is make a quick list of what it is that you wish to escape from and then draw two circles next to your list. What you're going to do is identify around this issue or issues what is in my control and what is not in my control as far as making myself more able to move through it. You will have some things that are in your control. Maybe you do have the ability to get out for a walk today, or you could go to a friend's house for the weekend You are in control of your emotional responses, your willingness to be in the same room with someone, your willingness to pick up the phone, things like that. So make a list of those, and then in the other circle, make a list of the things that are out of your control, your spouse's response to what's going on out of your control. Your young person's response and actions and behaviors and choices out of your control. So once you have these two separate lists, it's much easier to be able to set aside the out of my control list and just focus on the things in your control. This is called your locus of control. And that is where you want to focus. That is your sphere of influence. And when you are able to separate out What can sometimes feel like a huge cloud of chaos and a huge cloud of overwhelm, once you take a moment, break those things down and separate them out and be really honest with yourself about what is not in your control, you can then set those aside and focus on your sphere of influence. And again, don't even worry about trying to fix it, just find ways to help yourself move through it today. now if you are potentially in a good place, if you're in a place where things are pretty okay, your young person is in a state that's not causing you severe anxiety and stress, maybe your relationship is in a good place, things are going fairly well. and yet you still want the escape hatch. That is also fairly normal. You have been through a lot. Your body has been through a lot. Your nervous system is probably still reacting from a place of fear and wanting to protect you. So if you're looking around at things in your life and you're like, Hmm, it's actually pretty good. I really don't have a lot of those stressors that I had in the past. And yet, for some reason, I'm still feeling this need to escape, this need to step aside and take some time. I would encourage you to listen to your body. Listen to that anxiety that's inside you. Listen to the little voice and start to understand why that is. there's probably some healing that needs to be done, and there are great places you can go for that. Maybe you have a therapist. Highly, highly recommend. There are also incredible off site type retreats that you can go to. On site is one of those. Evoke also has retreats and intensives, and I'll put both of those in the show notes. But listen to what your body is saying. There's a reason why you're feeling that way, and don't feel guilty because you are in a quote unquote better place. Maybe you're out of the woods, as we would say, and you're still not feeling the joy that you used to have in your life. Listen to your body. And the reason I can say that with such confidence is because I experienced that. I am in such a good place from where I was seven, eight, nine, I guess 10 years ago. And there are still times when I cannot sit still. I cannot find the peace. I can't find the calm and I don't understand it. And I feel guilty because I know I've come so far and I am so blessed to have my children here. And. And my relationship in the place where they are. There is still work to be done, my friend. There is always work to be done. So rather than spend your time feeling guilty or trying to dig into the why, try tapping into some people who can help you with that and start to learn a little bit more about yourself and why your response might be what it is. And I will also say, honestly, and this is, I'm not a therapist, this is not any sort of like therapeutic analysis. I feel this myself and I hear this from so many of the people that I work with is that you are just fundamentally changed. You are fundamentally changed after a big traumatic, scary experience in your life. I just don't know any other way around it. I don't think it means that you will never ever return to your previous disposition, but I know for a fact, my body will never be the same. My brain will never be the same. My nervous system will never be the same, and that isn't all bad. There's a lot of good in that as well, but if you're not finding the joy, if you are not finding happiness, if you're not able to feel feelings, if you feel numb, And like you're in neutral and you're stuck, there is help and it takes work. It takes a lot of work and courage. It might take a lot of therapy, but your experiences and your feelings are valid. You are not weak. You are not crazy. You're human and humans get hurt. It's okay. And it can get better. And for you, if you are in a place where you're listening to this and you're not looking for the escape hatch. You're not looking for the eject button from your life. Please, if it is possible, make yourself available to others who are in a place of need, who are looking for relief. If you're in that position, it means that you have done an incredible amount of work, and I celebrate you for that. It is not easy, and the people who are still in it could definitely use your support and wisdom. That could look like being a leader in a support group. It could look like getting training and certification in the invitation to change approach and leading groups that way, or just touching base regularly with someone that you know is struggling. Whatever it is that speaks to you, it would be a generous act if you would volunteer for that. There is so much need. As I wrap up, if you are in need of that support and community, of course, Hope's Dream is available to you. For moms, we also have a retreat coming up. you're listening in real time, it's happening October 1 through 4, 2024. It is four days of escape. It is actually literally you hitting the eject button from life, coming and joining me and Kathy and an incredible group of women who you will have so much fun with. You have time to do nothing. You have time to take naps. You have great food, great supportive and bonding experiences. It's magical. So that is coming up October one through four. If you're interested. You can go to Hope Stream community.org/retreats and get all the details. And if you are a dad, a stepdad, an uncle, any form of male caregiver, and you're saying, wait a minute, where do my retreat? I would like to hit the escape button and hang out with some cool guys who also get what I'm going through. Will you please send me an email? We would love to do a retreat for our dads. We aren't sure that we have enough folks that would want to go. So if you're saying, yeah, I would go on a trip with some guys, like a fly fishing trip or a golf trip or something like that, some kind of activity, you won't be sitting around doing kumbaya. But if that sounds interesting to you, please send an email to info at hope stream community. org. And let us know, because we would love to host that and put that on for you. We can do it easily, we're on our 5th Mom's Retreat, but we need to know if you would be interested. So, if you are, let us know, email us at info at hopestreamcommunity. org. Okay, quick recap, because I know I rambled on a bit. I think it's vacation brain. If you're looking for the emergency eject button or searching for a magic escape hatch from the current situation in your life, here are six things you can try instead. One, it is normal to feel this way, so don't spend your time feeling guilty. Number two, try taking a step back. Three, work on healthy boundaries. Number four, dance or make an I Love List to reconnect with what makes you feel good. Five, get connected to others who get it. And six, focus on your sphere of influence. And remember, if you are a mom listening in real time, we have our signature fall retreat Restoration Mom coming up in October 2024. It's October one through four, and we would love to have you join us. The details are all at HopeStreamCommunity. org forward slash retreats. If you want show notes from today, we have now moved the podcast all over to HopeStreamCommunity. org. So you can just go there, click on podcasts. You'll see options to scroll through the episodes, to search for an episode, or to go to the full library. You're also welcome to download a free ebook that I wrote recently called Worried Sick. It will help you start to understand a more compassionate approach to your child's substance use. You can also get that at HopesDreamCommunity. org forward slash worried. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening to my rambling with my vacation brain. I look forward to the next few weeks. I have some amazing guests coming up. Please, please be extraordinarily good to yourself. You're going through a lot. You've been through a lot and you're supporting a lot of people with a lot of love. I cannot wait to meet you right back here next week.