Ten Parenting Patterns That May Prolong Your Child's Struggle with Substances, And What To Do Instead, with Brenda Zane

Parents sometimes fall into patterns that can unintentionally prolong their child's struggle with substance use. In this eye-opening solo episode, Brenda Zane reveals ten common parenting pitfalls that might be keeping your family stuck on the Roller Coaster Ride. I emphasize that recognizing these behaviors doesn't make someone a bad parent but rather, presents opportunities for growth and positive change.

In just 30 minutes, you'll discover practical strategies to shift your approach and create the conditions for positive change – without the guilt or shame. And many of them you can implement today!

Key points covered in the episode:

• The importance of self-care and not running on fumes
• Why shaming, blaming, or yelling is ineffective
• The need for consistent parenting approaches between partners
• Understanding addiction as a health issue, not a character flaw
• Moving beyond the "rock bottom" myth
• Avoiding information overload and lecturing
• Not engaging when your child is under the influence (and two other times)
• Recognizing when "it's just a phase" thinking is harmful
• The dangers of being a "fixer" and preventing natural consequences
• The benefits of seeking support and community instead of isolating

Join me for practical tips, resource recommendations, and encouragement. And don't miss the helpful PDF download in the show notes where you can dive deeper into each of the ten pitfalls and find links to resources.

EPISODE RESOURCES:

• Click here to download this episode's free resource guide

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Download a free e-book, Worried Sick: A Compassionate Guide For Parents When Your Teen or Young Adult Child Misuses Drugs and Alcohol

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Transcript

If you recognize any of these 10 things that may be prolonging or contributing to your child's experience with substances, it is not because you're a bad parent, it is not because you're not doing it right, it's not because you're negligent, it is because you are a human being.

You've likely never done this before, and how would you know what to do? If you don't have a lot of support around you, you are probably exhausted beyond exhaustion, a bit traumatized and potentially coming at this from a place of fear. That's where most people are at one point or another. Once they have boarded the teen and young adult child who misuses drugs and alcohol roller coaster ride. 

:46 Intro

Welcome to Hope Stream, a podcast where you'll hear interviews, conversations, and encouraging words for parents of teens and young adults who struggle with substance misuse and mental health. I'm Brenda Zane, your host and a fellow parent whose child struggled. I'm so glad you're here. Take a deep breath and know you're not doing this alone anymore.

1:12 Conversation

Hi, my friend, it is just us today. It's so nice to be able to meet up here and connect with you. Just the two of us, not a guest, not any, you know, crazy PhD therapist, author. I don't [00:01:30] know. I love them all. They're so incredible. And also I just love hanging out here with you. So I hope you are breathing.

It's very important, my friend, to breathe. I hope you're nourishing your body with real food. Lots of water. It might sound silly to mention, but I have found based on my own experience and from all the folks I work with, that basic stuff is not to be taken for granted. It's easy to get so caught up in whatever's happening in this moment today and potentially still cleaning up the messes and complications from yesterday that it is worth reminding you how important it is to take care of the most basic, simple need your body has. So if you don't have any water in front of you, or if you haven't moved your body today, this would be the perfect time. We can still chat while you are doing that. In a few minutes, I'm going to share 10 ways that you may inadvertently be prolonging the experience your child is having with their substance misuse or addiction.

Why am I sharing this? Mostly because there are things that we see parents in our community shift once they start learning craft and the invitation to change and getting support and connection with each other. And when they implement the strategies and mindsets and protocols, shift happens and [00:03:00] things calm down.

There's less yelling, there's more conversation, there's less friction and fighting and more peace. even if their child is still using. The other thing that happens is kids are more willing to consider getting help and that help might range from working with a mentor or a coach all the way to going to residential treatment and lots of other variations of what help can look like.

This is why I wanted to specifically call these out because I know and I see it all the time.

When you're aware and know specific things that you can alter in yourself, you will see a ripple effect in others. It may not be actually, scratch that, it won't be instantaneous, but if you are consistent and persistent, change will come and the change is worth it. Now you are going to hear some things that may feel a little uncomfortable because they may be things you recognize in yourself or your relationships and I want to state right up front here that if you do find there are some of these things that are going on you are not to feel guilty or bad about it.

Did you hear that? It's very important, so I'm going to say it again. If you recognize any of these 10 things that may be prolonging or contributing to your child's experience with [00:04:30] substances, it is not because you're a bad parent, it is not because you're not doing it right, it's not because you're negligent, it is because you are a human being.

You've likely never done this before, and how would you know what to do? If you don't have a lot of support around you, you are probably exhausted beyond exhaustion, a bit traumatized and potentially coming at this from a place of fear. That's where most people are at one point or another. Once they have boarded the teen and young adult child who misuses drugs and alcohol roller coaster ride.

What I'm hoping by sharing this list with you is that you'll see some opportunities to work on fine tuning your mindset, your actions. your behaviors, so that they can help you create conditions for positive change rather than keeping your family stuck in a cycle of reactivity. And of course, because I truly care about you and your kiddo, for each point I am giving you resources and ways to start counteracting or challenging yourself to take small actions.

So, I'm not leaving you out to hang on any of these. Here's the thing, you have been heaved into this wild experience of life against your will and you may have had little to no warning. It's like you were walking along a little stream one day saying, Oh, look at [00:06:00] this lovely little stream. It's so cute and peaceful and it makes me feel so happy.

And then in the next minute, a tidal wave comes out of nowhere and knocks you over, turns the stream into a brown, muddy river. rushing to somewhere, but you don't know where, and you're grasping for dear life onto a branch along the edge of the now raging stream. If that happened, would you say, gosh, if only I had been wearing different shoes, this probably wouldn't have happened.

Or, well, if my ex had only been a better person, then I wouldn't be clinging here to this branch. Or, I'm a terrible person, I should have seen that tidal wave coming and stopped it.

Of course you wouldn't. That doesn't even make sense. So before we jump in, please take a very deep breath, close your eyes, and tell yourself, I have been doing the very best I can with the resources I have. As I learn more, I can do different things and make different choices. It is okay to be where I am today.

7:13 Number One

Okay, are you ready?

Way you may be inadvertently prolonging your experience on the roller coaster ride is by running on fumes. You exhaust yourself physically by not taking care of your health and [00:07:30] mentally you are overperforming or overworking. 

is creeping in and you are obsessing and ruminating. Think about it this way. If you were hiring someone right now to step in and take over for you, would you want someone in your current mental and physical shape? If yes, then awesome! Keep doing what you're doing because you've got this one covered. 

If no, then ask yourself, What job qualifications would I list for this person who is going to step in and help my child? would I want them to eat good healthy food and be in decent physical condition?

Would it be helpful if they are paralyzed by fear and anxiety? Would I want them to try and eat, shop, drink, scroll, or work my child out of their unhealthy patterns? here's a great experiment to run this week. Write up the job description and qualifications that you would seek in this caretaker, and then start chipping away at one or two and see if you can feel better about your role. 

8:39 Number Two

Number two, you may be unintentionally prolonging positive change by believing that you can shame, blame, or yell your child healthier.

I've talked about this before, but you can just cross this one off the list of things to try. Because I ran the experiment for you, and I can confirm [00:09:00] on all accounts, it's ineffective at creating positive change in someone. Think about the last time someone shamed or yelled you into being a better person.

There's a saying, if shame, yelling, blaming, and confrontation cured addiction, there would not be one person addicted to anything. If this has been your go to approach in the past, or if it currently is, it's okay. Just take a look at the result. It's getting you. And if you're not satisfied with those results, you can shift to a new strategy.

It's really that simple. The experiment I would run in this case is to spend the next week listening. Just listening. the people in your life that you're doing this crazy thing where you are swapping out yelling for listening just to see what happens. You could always go back. When you are tempted to yell or scream, hit the mental pause button, swallow your yell.

If you need to step away for a few minutes, and then come back and try the listening tactic. You might be really shocked at what results you get.

10:15 Number Three

Number three, the third way you may be lengthening the timeline that you're on the roller coaster ride is that you're parenting from a different set of truths and agreements. Then a partner or ex partner who is also actively parenting or [00:10:30] trying to parent your child or you are leaving it to them to figure this all out.

This is a biggie and I'm working on an entire episode about this because it's so common to have parents on completely different pages, working different strategies, or one is working on implementing craft and the other is okay with the child's ongoing substance use. It is messy and here's what I will say without having an entire hour to dive into this one.

If this sounds like you, first see how you're showing up in the relationship and what baggage you might be lugging around that doesn't need to be on the roller coaster with you. I see it all the time. Parents weaponizing each other when their child is off the rails and it creates more friction and drama than is needed.

There will come a time when you will both need to lay down the swords and find a few ways that you can work together. It doesn't have to be a hundred percent alignment, but you do need to get a few agreements in place that you'll both respect if you want to see positive change start to take place.

I will also honestly say you don't want a major crisis, like gathering around a hospital bed, to be the thing that brings you and your partner or your ex partner together on this. Try to set aside your relationship baggage and prioritize [00:12:00] your child for now. And that may mean getting a coach or a therapist to work on it for the sake of your child's well being.

12:08 About Hopestream

 Hey there, are you feeling stuck in a cycle of drama and arguments with your child worried sick about their substance use? I have been there and I want you to know there's hope This podcast is just one piece of the curated and trustworthy resources and solutions we offer for parents. We recognize you need emotional support and a solid plan for moving forward making positive change in your family.

So in addition to connecting with other parents we also teach you practical skills and strategies to dial down the drama and diffuse those heated moments. We step you through the evidence based craft approach, a game changer that can help you invite your child to accept help without resorting to tough love or waiting for rock bottom.

We have so much more than the podcast waiting for you. Head over to HopeStreamCommunity. org to tap into all of our resources and become part of the HopeStream family in our private online community. Remember, you're not alone in this. We're doing it together. Now, let's get back to the conversation. 

13:15 Number Four

Number four, if you believe that substance use and addiction are a character flaw or a lack of self control, And you're operating from the standpoint that your child is just bad or [00:13:30] argumentative or oppositional. It can absolutely prolong the length of your journey.

Science will actually be your friend here, because the science shows that this is not happening because your child has a lack of willpower, or has a lack of faith or spirituality, or that they are bad. Once you understand that their substance use actually makes a ton of sense and that there are chemical responses in the body that are responsible for the addictive cycle to continue, you can set aside the outdated beliefs about character flaws and willpower and show up with empathy and compassion for someone who is hurting in the worst possible way.

I have three resources here for you, which I will also put in the show notes. Two are books, the first, of course, Beyond Addiction, How Science and Kindness Help People Change by Jeffrey Foote and Kerry Wilkins and Dopamine Nation by Dr. Anna Lemke. The third resource is Hope Stream podcast, episode 177 with Adam Sud

who very brilliantly and articulately explains Why substance use makes so much sense for some people.

14:50 Number Five

 A fifth delay causing factor is a mindset and that is if you believe there's really nothing I can do about their substance use, I just have to wait for them to [00:15:00] hit rock bottom.

Now I am the first one to tell you, you cannot make your child stop struggling with mental health and substances, but you can be incredibly influential in how long they stay in that cycle. I'm working on a special episode about recovery with a good discussion from people in recovery on Rock Bottom and the way that you can think about it instead.

For now though, I want you to know that you have the capability to raise the bottom for your child so they don't have to fall so hard and for so long. You can do this through many of the craft principles of self care so you're healthier and more regulated for them through the use of natural consequences.

and having healthy boundaries. This point number five is the entire reason Cathy, the co founder of HopeStream and I are so passionate about encouraging you to get into HopeStream community because you will learn how to do this, how to be influential while also staying safe and sane and healthy while your child is in an addictive cycle.

Instead of thinking about rock bottom, think about helping your child get to a turning point, inviting them to see what is possible for them, and then helping them achieve that. It is so powerful and it's totally possible.

16:28 Number Six

Well I was truly the expert at number [00:16:30] six, which is to provide lectures and sermons and share lots of information. about what this is doing to your child's body and text them phone numbers of different kinds of rehab programs that they could get into. We call these the communication landmines, and they are so common and also fortunately avoidable.

One of the sessions that we lead on Thursday nights covers all of these. The info dump, the professor, the label machine, the blame game, and the interrogator. And I want to call out a caveat here in that there is a time when you want to have treatment or help options all lined up and to communicate those with your child.

However, it is not all the time, multiple times a week, for months or years. Trust me, they aren't using them so you can stop sending them. the constant barrage of information isn't in alignment with what they need or are capable of consuming. So providing loving thoughts or messages will have a better impact.

It's hard, I know, because you have the absolute most perfect podcast episode that you know would be so impactful if they would just listen to it or you know this particular treatment program is the one that they would actually be receptive to if you could just get them to check out the website. I know [00:18:00] you have the answers.

You have so many answers. and they need to come to their own answers in their own time. Again, if you rewind back to number five, you'll remember that there are strategies that you can use to create conditions under which they will be more likely to accept all your wisdom and resources. So it's worth learning those for everybody's sanity.

18:26 Number Seven

next way you might be unintentionally prolonging your roller coaster ride. is by confronting them when they get home and they're drunk or high or if you find out that they were if they don't live with you and you throw out punishments and consequences and or you point out how miserable they are and how miserable they're making you.

One of the core principles of craft and the invitation to change is that you do not engage when they are under the influence of anything.

Nor, when they are in active seeking mode, which means they are 100 percent laser focused on finding the substance they need to avoid getting sick, nor do you engage when they are in a state of being sick from a hangover or heavy drug use. Now I already know what you're thinking, great Brenda, that sounds really good, but I never get that chance.

They are always in one of those three states. See I knew. Here's what you'll find if you're being strategic and intentional. There [00:19:30] are going to be times, small windows of time, when you will be able to interact with them. If you spend a week or so in detective mode, really pay attention to their patterns and notice their cycles and habits.

Another way to achieve some of this non using time is just manufacture it. Find something they really like to do and use that as an incentive to crowd out a using opportunity. Even if it's just 10 minutes in the car to drive to their favorite restaurant, you have to be alert, tuned in, and most of all, patient.

And when you do get that precious and sometimes rare time with them, that is when you engage your active listening, empathy, Use open ended questions and get really curious about what the substances are doing for them. If you have listened to the Adam Sud episode, that will make a lot of sense. Because the substances are doing something and then you can start to work from there.

20:36 Number Eight

Okay, number eight. Number eight is more common than I wish it were, because it can keep kids in dangerous and unhealthy places far longer than they need to be or ever should be. This is when you believe that this is a phase and it will most likely self correct once your child gets older or into a new setting.

What I'll say is I talk with lots [00:21:00] of brilliant people. who run, own, or work at the best treatment programs out there. And they unilaterally say the same thing, which is, We have never had a parent who said, Hmm, I think we got help a little too early. Again, this is not to say you are ignorant or naive. It is something that happens so often today for a few reasons.

And I'm going to give you those reasons. One is that you may know or suspect your child is using marijuana. And you used it when you were in high school or college, so what's the big deal? It's just pot. It's not like they're shooting heroin and it's safer than alcohol. If this is your current mindset, I implore you, yes, I used the word implore, listen to episode 162 with Dr.

Libby Stout and episode 167 with Laura Stack of Johnny's Ambassadors. The products that are available to our kids today are a completely different product than was available in the 80s and 90s So there is no comparison and the outcomes of heavy use of the THC products that are out today are Devastating so please plug into those episodes to understand more from the experts Secondarily, you may think and hope that this is going to self correct because there's not addiction in your immediate family, so it can't be that serious, which is also false. Substances are an effective coping [00:22:30] mechanism for young people, and today's products are incredibly addictive, so you may not have this in your family and your young person can still become addicted.

And finally, the third reason you may think and hope that this is a phase and will probably self correct is that treatment is scary to think about. It's likely an unknown factor. It can be very expensive and it's stigmatizing. I mean, who wants to say, Oh yeah, she won't be at the prom because she's in treatment.

So I get it. I would encourage you to listen to episode 202 with Trish Ruggles, who is a therapeutic educational consultant. And she goes into more depth about the impact of having kids struggle at home when they're actually in need of formalized treatment. It is incredibly, incredibly informative episode.

23:24 Number Nine

 We're getting closer. Number nine, the ninth way you may be inadvertently prolonging your experience is that you are a fixer. You fix things so your child doesn't get in too much trouble or doesn't miss too much work or school or doesn't lose the girlfriend or the spouse and you fix things because you love your child and you don't want to face the feelings that come when you see them suffer.

I don't believe, personally, that there are many parents in the world who enjoy seeing their children suffer. I [00:24:00] feel pretty confident in that statement. Of course you don't want them to struggle and suffer. And so rescuing them from the ramifications of their substance use makes sense to you. If you help them get out of this pickle they found themselves in, they'll understand how much you love them and how irresponsible they were, and they won't do it again this time.

And you might keep trying that. Again and again until you are now a PhD in fixing and you could start your own repair company because you are so good at it. The truth is you're doing the opposite of what we talked about way back in number five, which is you're lowering the trap door instead of bringing up the bottom.

If you fix and they avert the impact of their actions, what incentive do they have to change? This is another core principle of craft and the invitation to change and it's one of the absolute most heart wrenching things to do at times and at times it can be and feel very good and freeing.

25:08 Number Ten

 And finally number 10. This one is my favorite because it's so easy to shift and to see things change very quickly. If you're in white knuckle parenting mode, sticking it out on your own, isolating and being embarrassed and ashamed that you have a child who's struggling with substance misuse and mental [00:25:30] health, you're not able to leverage all of the help that's available to you.

You're not able to learn how to dial down the craziness, how to learn practical doable skills and get control of your mental health and your physical well being, which will start to make things better.

Yes, I do realize you're listening to this podcast and you may have been listening for months or years and hem hot about doing something like a workshop or joining the stream if you're a mom or the woods if you're a dad. You might think, well, I get so much out of the podcast, I'm not really sure I need more.

And that might be true. If you are seeing positive change and you feel good about where things are right now and you feel good physically, mentally, and you have evidence. That everything's headed in the right direction. That's awesome. But if you identified with a few of the things I've talked about here today and you're not feeling good about where you or your child are, know that there is more help available.

 It's interesting because we'll have a new member join us in the community and often they say, Wow, I have been listening to the podcast for so long. I didn't know y'all were doing this. I didn't know there was so much more in here. I already feel better just knowing that all of this is here for me. And it is truly my mission and Cathy's mission to help you get through this faster and with less damage to yourself and your family.

Because we know it is [00:27:00] possible, because we see it every day. Oof, want a little recap on that? It's a lot, I know. So I'm putting a single page PDF in the show notes that you can download. It's got links to the episodes I mentioned, and that way you can do a bit more thinking about each of these delay causing factors that might be at play in your world. 

27:22 Recap 

So These are the 10 things that may unknowingly be delaying your exit from the crazy making roller coaster ride you're on with your child.

Number one, exhausting yourself physically and mentally with overworking, performing, and obsessing and ruminating. Remember you are going to write that job description. Number two, believing that you can shame, blame, or yell your child healthier. I ran the experiment, it doesn't work. So you're going to try the listening experiment instead.

Three, two, one. Parenting from a different set of truths and agreements that your partner or ex who is also actively parenting said child, or you are just leaving it to them to figure out. Number four, believing that substance use and addiction are a character flaw or a lack of willpower. Number five, believing there's really nothing you can do about your child's substance use and wait for them to hit rock bottom.

Number six, you're generously providing all your wisdom and lectures and lots of information and text messages about what this is doing to their body and sending them links to all the different kinds of rehab programs that they [00:28:30] could get into and on and on and on. Number seven, confronting them with lectures and punishments when they get home and they're drunk or high.

Number eight, you believe this is a phase and it will most likely self correct once they get older or once they get into a new setting. Number nine, you're a fixer and you fix things so your child doesn't get in too much trouble or lose their job or school opportunity or relationship. You can officially retire from fixing now.

And number ten, you're White knuckling this parenting gig, sticking it out on your own, being embarrassed and ashamed that you have a child who is struggling, which delays you both getting the help that is available to you today.

My friend, I am not joking when I say you're an elite level parent. You really are. It makes me so happy that you showed up here today listening to some things that could be hard to hear. And because I know you, you're probably already thinking about one or two that you're going to start shifting because you're so strong and you love your child enough to put in the work.

I have a big favor to ask. If you have gotten benefit from listening to HopeStream, it would mean the world to me to have you rate, And leave a review wherever you listen to the podcast. It lets those platforms know that people are listening and actively engaged, and it also helps other parents who need to find the show.

29:59 Worried Sick E-Book Offer

I [00:30:00] know I did give a lot of resources in today's episode, but I want to tell you about one more. It's an ebook I offer

it's called Worried Sick, a compassionate guide for parents of teens and young adults who struggle with substance use. It is free and it will give you additional insights into your child's behavior and it'll introduce you to additional concepts from CRAFT. Just go to hopestreamcommunity. org forward slash worried.

To download that and of course the website also has all the information about the stream and the woods our private parent communities as Well as our workshops and classes and the show notes So check out that if you're ready to go a little deeper in your work. Hope stream community org 

30:44 Wrap up

Okay, give yourself a giant pat on the back.

Take a breath and smile Really smile because you are showing up. You're putting in the time and the effort required to make positive change You and I am so inspired by you. Take ridiculously good care of yourself and I will meet you right back here next week.